This post was supposed to be called “Less Effective Hats.” It was going to have a bunch of pictures of famous hat-wearing historical figures photoshopped to be wearing, um, different hats. Hilarious, right? Well Napoleon didn’t look quite right with the trucker hat and I couldn’t quite match the greys between Abraham Lincoln and his new viking horns and you know what? I give up. There was one that I thought was kind of funny, though, which I will now post for your viewing pleasure.

What unexpected juxtaposition! Delightful! You want more? Fine. Here’s a bonus prize: a video of a narcoleptic daschund.

[gv data=”http://www.youtube.com/v/CY5PMT-_rLg”][/gv]

That was the best thing ever. You opened the box and counted seven. Could that be right? You counted them again. Seven. You snapped the box closed and looked around casually, playing it cool. You were pulling the ultimate scam. You looked at the guy behind the counter, then quickly looked away. You opened up the the little package of barbeque sauce (or sweet & sour if you were a little precocious), dunked one in, and ate it. The evidence was gone and you were still left with six totally unscathed, totally delicious McNuggets. Then one of them had one of those weird cartilaginous tooth thingees in it and fucked everything up, but still – at least you got an extra one for free. Does this even happen anymore? Do kids still occasionally get an extra McNugget in their 6 piece, or do they have robots that count the McNuggets now? If they do it’s a real bummer since, you know, the extra Chicken McNugget totally RULES.

“what are you, some kind of wizard?”

“what is the most pot tupac smoked at one time”

“Satanists in Ethiopia today”

“matthew barney sucks”

“teeth filed like fangs”

“killer bee eat your brain“

People talk a lot about how America is about to be unseated as the dominant global superpower, citing the falling value of the American dollar, our dependence on foreign oil, an ever-rising deficit and a crumbling Social Security system, but you know what? You don’t have to pay any attention to any of that. All you have to do is look at Kobayashi and you’ll know we’re fucked. Seriously. The guy has won the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest for the past six years. In 2001, when he first entered the contest, he ate 50 hot dogs in 20 minutes. You know what the record was before that? 25. This year, in 2006, he ate 53 3/4. FOX had this show called Man vs. Beast where Kobayashi was in a hot dog eating contest against an 1,100 pound Kodiak bear. He lost (duh—it’s a BEAR), but still. America’s been behind for a long time when it came to piddling crap like education and healthcare, but competitive eating? You’d think we’d still be a contender there. A Japanese dude winning a hot dog eating contest at Coney Island is like a Kenyan making the best apple pie in the entire world: totally fucked. So we’re all doomed, but still—Kobayashi rules.

“What’s Attacking You” is up on Yankee Pot Roast today. Roll out the red carpet, bitches!

What do John Edwards, the FBI, the FAA, and Charlotte Hornets owner George Shinn have in common? Easy: they’re all in on a massive conspiracy to… umm… fly a helicopter 25 feet above this guy’s house. This YouTube video has rekindled my love affair with the internet. It first started making the rounds about two weeks ago (about a decade ago in internet time), but I figured I should probably post it in case anyone hasn’t seen it. Prepare to have your mind blown.

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With the 4th of July just around the corner, people everywhere are flocking to ramshackle roadside shacks by the state border to stock up on fireworks. But with so many products to choose from, it can be a real trick to get the most bang for your buck! Here’s a quick rundown of this year’s hottest 4th of July products – happy igniting!

A FEW SPARKS, SOME SMOKE, THEN NOTHING

Item #: N-284
Category: Letdowns

Why get caught offguard by your inevitable disappointment this 4th of July when you could fully expect it?! With A Few Sparks, Some Smoke, Then Nothing, say goodbye to unfulfilled incendiary expectations – you won’t have any from the get-go!

Price: $24.99

OVERPROTECTIVE PARENT PACK

Item #: F-981
Category: Novelties, Smoke & Snakes

You fucking pussy.

Price: $1.99

WHEER OF STELEOTYPE

Item #: A-172
Category: Firecrackers

Lightey fusey, then you make run! 16,000 firework make loud bang, give you happy feeling! You rikey, so you buy! Me karate choppy you! Flied lice! Wax on, wax off! So solly!

Price: $9.99

AN ACTUAL ROCKET LAUNCHER

Item #: D-140
Category: Illegal Weapons

You have two choices this 4th of July: come out and play with the big dogs, or stay on the porch with the little pups. What’s it gonna be?

Price: what, like $25,000?

SHOCK & AWE-SOME!

Item #: K-324
Category: Aerials, Warfare

Relive the excitement of air strikes over Baghdad with these nifty aerials, civilian casualties included! These suckers fly straight up in the air, emit a small burst of sparks, then silently shoot straight back down and explode once they hit the ground! Whoa, nelly! Caution: these will kill you. Use only under adult supervision.

Price: $24.99

STARFUCKERS

Item #: Q-481
Category: Aerials, Reloadable Shells/Mortars

These suckers will shoot hundreds of feet in the air, hang there for a minute, then literally fuck the stars. Seeing is believing! A Hypocritical Mass exclusive!

Price: $19.99

If you’ve been reading the papers lately, you’ve probably noticed how there are way too many words in them. Don’t sweat it, though: put down that paper and read through this post in its entirety, and within seconds you’ll be able to speak with authority on subjects of international import. Whether you’re at the office with your coworkers, at home with your roommates, or at a cocktail party with your apathetic and ill-informed friends, Hypocritical Mass has got what you need: the truth in 200 words or less.

CREEPS ON MYSPACE
All these perverts were like “ooooh” and then little kids were like “gah?” and then the parents were all “GAH!!!” so Rupert Murdoch hired some Navy Seals to kill every pedophile in the USA. They got like half of them, and the other half deleted their Myspace accounts and logged back into Friendster. Then they got super bummed out cuz only like four people had looked at their Friendster profile in the six months since they last logged in. But now Myspace is all rainbows and beautiful meadows and the kids roll in the grass and laugh and there are red balloons everywhere and the parents don’t even sweat it cuz its the safest place in the entire world. Seriously.

DOGS AND TURTLES ARE DROPPING LIKE FLIES
First Darwin’s tortoise dies at 176. Then Frasier’s terrier dies at 16 later that night. Are we really supposed to believe that this is all somehow a coincidence? Fuck that – Harriet and Eddie didn’t die. Harriet and Eddie were ASSASSINATED.

GAS IS SUPER EXPENSIVE
You know all those picures you see of kids in third world countries with the bloated bellies and the weird belly buttons and the flies landing on their actual eyeballs but they don’t even respond because they’re so fucking hungry that their eye nerves shut down weeks ago to conserve energy? You know how they always come on while you’re trying to watch “Zoolander” at 3 AM on FX and you’re like “C’mon! He was about to make that cute little puckered-up ‘I’m Ben Stiller’ face again! This is bullshit!” You know have after that you say “fuck it” and turn off the TV and walk to the fridge and open it, looking for something good, but there’s nothing really in there? Don’t you hate nights like that? God.

AXL’S BACK
It’s pretty depressing when the most press you’ve had in a decade is for biting a Swede.

Here’s a concept: let’s make a show where people who think they can dance try to dance. On national television. Then, after they’re done dancing, “experts” tell them whether or not they’re actually good at dancing. Oh – then, after that, the people who are good at dancing will stay on the show and compete with each other to find out who the best dancer is! Isn’t that a great idea? Yeah – it’s called an “audition.” It’s what they used to do before the actual show was filmed to find people with talent and stage presence. You know – to figure out if they’d be good ON TELEVISION. Now the audition IS the show. Oh – and the show is two hours long. Super. The worst part of it is that as it goes on and they weed out the people who really suck at dancing, the show actually gets less entertaining. Why not give each contestant their own episode where they dance for as long as they can until they collapse? Whoever’s episode is the longest wins!  That would be awesome!  I’d totally watch that, but for now, sorry FOX: So You Think You Can Dance totally sucks.