If you’ve been reading the papers lately, you’ve probably noticed how there are way too many words in them. Don’t sweat it, though: put down that paper and read through this post in its entirety, and within seconds you’ll be able to speak with authority on subjects of international import. Whether you’re at the office with your coworkers, at home with your roommates, or at a cocktail party with your apathetic and ill-informed friends, Hypocritical Mass has got what you need: the truth in 200 words or less.

CREEPS ON MYSPACE
All these perverts were like “ooooh” and then little kids were like “gah?” and then the parents were all “GAH!!!” so Rupert Murdoch hired some Navy Seals to kill every pedophile in the USA. They got like half of them, and the other half deleted their Myspace accounts and logged back into Friendster. Then they got super bummed out cuz only like four people had looked at their Friendster profile in the six months since they last logged in. But now Myspace is all rainbows and beautiful meadows and the kids roll in the grass and laugh and there are red balloons everywhere and the parents don’t even sweat it cuz its the safest place in the entire world. Seriously.

DOGS AND TURTLES ARE DROPPING LIKE FLIES
First Darwin’s tortoise dies at 176. Then Frasier’s terrier dies at 16 later that night. Are we really supposed to believe that this is all somehow a coincidence? Fuck that – Harriet and Eddie didn’t die. Harriet and Eddie were ASSASSINATED.

GAS IS SUPER EXPENSIVE
You know all those picures you see of kids in third world countries with the bloated bellies and the weird belly buttons and the flies landing on their actual eyeballs but they don’t even respond because they’re so fucking hungry that their eye nerves shut down weeks ago to conserve energy? You know how they always come on while you’re trying to watch “Zoolander” at 3 AM on FX and you’re like “C’mon! He was about to make that cute little puckered-up ‘I’m Ben Stiller’ face again! This is bullshit!” You know have after that you say “fuck it” and turn off the TV and walk to the fridge and open it, looking for something good, but there’s nothing really in there? Don’t you hate nights like that? God.

AXL’S BACK
It’s pretty depressing when the most press you’ve had in a decade is for biting a Swede.