“Comments On Last Night’s Orgy” is up on Yankee Pot Roast today.

Also, it’s my birthday today. Double-whammy!

I have an article in the Chicago Reader this week. You can read it online here.

Is available to read. For free. On the internet.

True story.

New article up on Cracked today. That’s all.

A while back, I “met” this “guy” Chet “The Triple Threat” Stevens. He was a “frat boy” who totally “went to New Orleans for Mardi Gras.” He “exists.” Anyway, “he” told me his “story” and now it’s up on Cracked.com. Yeah.

So go “check it out.”

Calling it an “article” might be pushing it, but “The 7 Most Insane Moments from Cable Access TV” is up on Cracked.com today. Check it out.

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Haikus about edgy comedy etc.. List of colors.

My quiz “What’s Attacking You?” is in the new issue of Cracked. This time I’m for real. It’s got Mel Gibson on the cover and Maddox is on the page facing mine and it looks fucking awesome. Go buy it. They’ve got it at Borders and Barnes & Noble. Pwnage.

So I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that I’m being published in a new book called The Very Best Weblog Writing Ever. It features submissions by me and a bunch of other people I’ve never met, but I’m pretty sure that’s how the internet works anyway, so that’s not really a negative at all.

But now for the bad news: you’re gonna have to part with fifteen of your hard earned dollars to buy one. This is compulsory, and yeah, that makes me feel kind of bad, but fifteen bucks isn’t really that bad for a book you will cherish forever, something that will actually exist and sit on your bookshelf, something that you’ll have to pack up in a cardboard box every time you move unlike this ephemeral, web-based clusterfuck of apathy and HTML tags. I guess what I’m saying is they’re taking pre-orders so click the picture and buy the book alredy.

In light of a recent post about stuff that doesn’t seem that dangerous anymore, it seems sensible to cover the other side of the coin. After all, what good does it do anyone to know about what isn’t dangerous when there’s still plenty of other shit ready to lay eggs in your brain, gnaw off your leg, or otherwise lay waste to what used to be that meatsack you call your body? This isn’t a post – this is a warning.

TEETH

Make no mistake about it – teeth are everywhere and they love being used. Whether they’re tearing or grinding doesn’t matter – teeth are harder than your flesh and they will fucking destroy you. Some of them are really sharp and some of them are really pointy and some things actually have more than one row of them (ever heard of a shark?), but don’t sweat the deets. You have bigger fish to fry, like figuring out how the fuck you’re gonna avoid all the trillions of killer teeth out there. Good luck, deadzo.

BACTERIOPHAGES

You’re telling me this thing is seriously some kind of living creature? It looks like a weird futuristic bug that’s impervious to the elements (and sulfuric acid) and can live for like fifty thousand years underground with no food or water. Which is actually kind of what it is, right? They’re so tiny there’s probably like 500 of them floating around in your frame of vision right now and there’s nothing you can do about it. Put your shirt over your mouth and nose – there’s probably 5,000 more in your shirt. We’re all going to die and there’s nothing we can do about it because the fucking things are too small. Great.

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