Last night I watched Wadd: The Life & Times of John C. Holmes. Dude’s life may have actually been more ridiculous than the most outlandish porno plot ever. It got me thinking: porno plots are unbelievably stupid. Great segue, right? Whatever.

A clumsy segue on a blog is relatively painless, but when a clumsy segue consists of awkward dialogue and plot elements that are eventually supposed to lead to hardcore fucking, well, that’s a little different. Wait. Was that a double segue? Jesus Christ.

I guess what I’m trying to say is “check out these stupid porno scenes.”

1. Color Climax: Lessons In Lust. Pretty straightforward title scene. Just a bunch of letters. Nobody is fucking yet at all.

2. A bunch of twenty-something cokeheads sit at desks. One intently studies a blank piece of paper while the girl next to him wears glasses. This makes her a “geek” instead of a “porn slut.” A poster in the background shows a diagram of a fly. They are in Entomology class, and they are all about to have sex with each other.

3. The teacher (who is maybe 2 years older than the students) takes attendance. We know she is the teacher because she’s sitting at the head of the class and she has a pen. She asks the students if any of them also have pens.

4. This guy indicates that he does. He then gets up and approaches the blackboard.

5. He draws this for some reason. This is almost certainly not a fly’s dick.

6. Some other guy comes up, erases the first wang, and draws this one. At this point the lecture has veered completely off subject but nobody seems to mind.

7. Everyone fucks each other.

Moral of the story: If you want your Entomology class to turn into an orgy, draw an enormous ejaculating penis on the blackboard.

For the next set of photos, take a moment to download the audio accompaniment.  You won’t regret it.

1. Two guys sit in what looks like a really cozy Home Depot display (see plant, framed picture) discussing… soccer.  Grab the audio if you haven’t already.  Seriously.  These guys are talking about soccer.

2. This chick walks into the room wearing almost nothing and carrying a plate full of nondescript food.  A closer analysis reveals it to be…

3. A sliced-up burrito for some reason!

4. The “maid” asks if the guys want anything to drink.  They both say they want cocktails, and she goes back to the kitchen to find them some drinks.  This guy then tells the other guy that the half-naked chick with the sliced-up burrito is not his girlfriend (really?).  No, he says.  Believe it or not, she’s actually his maid.  There’s something about this guy that I kinda like for some reason.  He’s the kind of guy who you’d go get a beer with at some shitty bar you’d never be caught dead at otherwise, but then you’d end up having a really good time and feeling bad about texting all your friends “u doin anything? this sux” while he was in the bathroom snorting rails.

5. This guy, on the other hand, looks like a total douchebag.  Those angular sideburns are the worst thing ever.  Regardless, guy #1 asks if he would be interested in fucking his maid.  This guy raises an eyebrow.  “Does a bear shit in the woods?”  More witty banter proceeds, leading ultimately to the question of whether or not the pope shits in the woods as well.  Don’t judge – we’ve all been through this one before.  Just not on camera before tag-teaming some slag.

6. There are no cocktails, the “maid” says, but she offers an alternative: blowjobs.  How a blowjob is an alternative to a cold drink is beyond me, but they seem to have reached a compromise.  The sliced-up burrito is moved out of the way and they all fuck.

Moral of the story: If you make your living room look like a Home Depot display, you’ll get to fuck your friend’s slutty maid.

Yesterday I picked up the very excellent second volume of Wholphin at my local independent hipster bookstore. I threw the thing into my Playstation 2, loaded it up, and the menu splashed across the screen: 15 weird short films to choose against a Donald Trump background. I couldn’t decide which one to watch. As I flipped through the accompanying booklet, reading a little bit about each short, all of the sudden the menu fell away and the Donald started looking around, seemingly unsure about his timing. Then he started to talk about the major thematic elements in Citizen Kane and my brain exploded all over the couch. Errol Morris is my fucking hero.

(link)

When I read the other day about the Indian government blocking out blogs I was like “oh shit.” Where are my Indian fans going to find get important information, like how much getting an extra Chicken McNugget rules, or all the things you can do to a dog? I thought about freedom for a little while and what it means to me. Then I realized they’re only blocking blogspot, typepad, and geocities blogs and I was like “oh.” So hey, whoever’s behind the 21 total hits I’ve received from India: don’t sweat it. In the aftermath of the Mumbai train bombings, freedom of information is more important than ever. That’s why we can’t let the government keep you from looking at photoshopped Lockhorns cartoons. And we won’t. Not on my watch, anyway.

The Indian Department of Telecommunications Are Being Total Douchebags Petition.

If you love freedom, you’ll sign it.

[edit: If you REALLY love freedom, you’ll repost it.]

You don’t want your daughters running around at the beach looking like a couple of whores, do you? Of course not. Thank god for WholesomeWear – a website that sells stupid-looking waterproof dresses. Citing a “need for modesty in swimwear,” WholesomeWear bathing suits “highlight the face rather than the body.” What are these people gonna do at the beach anyway? The kind of person who buys their daughter WholesomeWear probably won’t let them have any fun there anyway. They can’t build sandcastles cuz shovels are forbidden, and they can’t play volleyball cuz nets are for devils. Look at that chick on the right in the picture – the lake water is burning her skin. Get off my beach, you weirdos!

I think it looks pretty good. How about you?

(via ninjaslice)

Pee Wee Herman at David Letterman #2, circa 1983, Part 1of 2
i know you are but what am i?

Jon Stewart on Net Neutrality
heh.

Ramones – I Don’t Want To Grow Up
ramones + dan clowes = rad.

Jean-Pierre Jeunet – “Foutaises”
“Things I Like, Things I Hate.”

Human Space Invaders
so dorky – so sweet.

Blog 83: July 10, 2006
videoblogging: clearly the future of media.

Tarzan Boy – Baltimora
this could be the gayest music video of all time.

Skinheads on Geraldo Part 4
jerry springer is the biggest pussy ever.

BakuTen – ham in a CD player
in the name of science…

YMCK – Milky Blue ~fushigi no kuni no riddle~
brain asploded.

When I was growing up – you know, back in the 80s – if you managed to get your hands on a huge, clunky camcorder, you recorded some really dumb shit, played it back, felt instantly stupid and hid the tape behind your dresser for the next decade.  These days, things are a little different.  With the advent of YouTube and Google Video, people can now instantly cast those unbelievably stupid videos through the series of tubes we call the internets and out to millions and millions of people.  Whether it’s a good thing or not is beyond me.  All I know for sure is that it’s annoying when I’m trying to find the actual Kelly Clarkson video for “Since You’ve Been Gone” and I have to sort through a thousand videos of kids singing it in their bedrooms.  You should probably just read what some dude named Lore Sjöberg has to say about it; he’s way more angry about it than I am anyway.

(link)

Try as I may, I just can’t seem to get away from dead bodies for more than an hour or two.

First I spend my entire lunch eating a sandwich and reading Mary Roach’s Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers. It’s an awesome book and you should totally read it, although you may want to skip the chapter “Life After Death: On human decay and what can be done about it” if, like me, you happen to be eating a sandwich.

Then, not more than an hour after my lunch is over, I end up stumbling across the website for the Fragonard Museum. You know that Body Worlds exhibit everyone was freaking out about last year? You know how it bills plastination as this revolutionary new process? Well screw that – this French guy named Honoré Fragonard was doing that shit over 200 years ago… sort of, anyway. His work is currently collecting dust on the second floor of a veterinary school outside of Paris. The “piece,” for lack of a better word, pictured above, is called – get this – “Human Fetuses Dancing A Jig.”

(via kirchersociety.org)

Although this video makes my hipster irony sense tingle like crazy (which makes me wanna run down to the corner of Damen, North & Milwaukee and scream to every latte-sipping doofus within earshot, “David Hasselhoff rules!”), the fact remains that the song is absolutely atrocious. I feel so conflicted: I can’t decide whether to tag this as a “thing that rules” or a “thing that sucks.” You know what? Fuck it – it’s both.

[gv data=”http://www.youtube.com/v/ykSzwYQV6PU”][/gv]

RUSSIA’S LEADER TURNED OUT TO BE SUPER WEIRD

When’s the last time you had a sudden urge to pet a small child “like a kitten”? Really? Never? Listen: if Russia’s President wants to pet a child like a kitten, who are you to say he can’t? He’s a powerful man. He’ll do what he wants when he wants, and if that means he has to kiss a little boy’s stomach in front of a bunch of TV cameras, well, so be it. Now dude’s getting dissed all over the place. Even Condi won’t touch him with a ten-footer. Condi! Dayum! All dude wants is a handshake! You cold, Condi!

PEOPLE KNOW WHO IS A SPY

Some dudes were like “That babe over there is totally a spy” and she was like “Oh BEANS,” cuz now her career is ruined. What’s a spy supposed to do after everyone knows she’s a spy? Work in a spy store? Sell those portable blacklights for exposing motel sheet jizz on late night television? Dudes totally blew it and now they’re gonna be all like “Oh, well, uhhh, when I said she’s totally a spy blup blup blup blup blup” and she’s gonna be like “Bullshit!” and you’ll half-heartedly pay attention to it but somehow you’ll still have very strong opinions about the whole thing.

PIRATES DISCOVERED IN MIDWEST

Families are paying record amounts of money to see pirates for a little while at strip malls throughout the country. The pirates are charming, non-threatening, and strangely devoid of odor. They occasionally resort to “intense sequences of adventure violence” and sometimes they turn into ghosts for some reason. Admission is about $10 per person to see them. One of them acts like Keith Richards.

NORTH KOREA HAS SOME BUSTED-ASS MISSILES

Everyone is totally flipping out that North Korea tried to launch some missiles, despite the fact that the fucking things don’t even work anyway. That’s like calling the fire department because you see something that looks like it might be on fire soon. Chill out!

HALLIBURTON DID SOME MORE FUCKED UP SHIT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND

There was something about a contract. A couple billion dollars or something, I think. I think Cheney’s brother owns the company or something, and they’re trying to get the oil in Iraq so they lied about WMDs and now there’s, like, these contracts. Or there aren’t contracts but there were supposed to be, and now people are pissed. Something about contracts, I’m pretty sure. For the oil. Fuck Bush!

SOME DUDE GOT HEADBUTTED

This one guy from one country was like “YARRRGH!” and threw his head really hard into the chest of another guy from another country who was like “UGGGGH” and he fell down. Everyone totally flipped out and text-messaged each other like “did you see that?” which they obviously had since they were watching it too and now there’s like a thousand animated gifs all over the internet with captions in a thousand different languages that show some guy headbutting some other guy. Brain asploded.