I was super surly all day today. I just kind of wanted to go home, you know? I had a crappy salad for lunch, then I sat in the food court and snarled at everyone I saw making snap judgements based on their clothes. Shallow? Maybe. Get bent – I said I was surly, didn’t I? Then I went to work and my boss actually wanted me to do work. The nerve!

So I’m sitting in my chair seething when all of the sudden I end up clicking a link to Brandon Bird’s website. All of the sudden I’m partying with Mr. T and Christopher Walken is building a robot and someone who kind of looks like a really strong version of Abraham Lincoln is beating some dude’s ass and then WHAM! Brain chunks all over my the screen. Brandon Bird, you saved my life.

Thanks, bro.

Through hard work and dedication, a stupid picture I photoshopped is currently semi-prominently featured in Cracked.com’s “Don Rickles Speaks!” photoshop contest. If you’re reading this, mom, stop crying. I’ve finally made it. Next stop: coke binge with Kate Moss followed by a vicious downward spiral followed by a gut-wrenching tell-all autobiography.

Be sure to catch the E! True Hollywood Story.

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I’ve been in some tight spots before, but it’s good to know I haven’t hit rock bottom yet. From Craigslist Missed Connections:

The guy who took a shit under my porch Saturday night – 32

Date: 2006-05-15, 5:45PM

I didn’t call the cops on you because I kinda felt bad for anybody who has to take shits in condo gangways, and you seemed pretty embarrassed when I called you on it. I didn’t see any need for the 14th district’s finest to beat you up for pooping on some yuppie’s doormat.

Sorry your life is so crap that you don’t have your own bathroom. I kind of feel for you, but maybe you could find someplace a little more private than our rather well-lit gangway for your next poo-poo break.

• this is in or around Humboldt Park

  no — it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

I could preface this in any number of snarky ways. Most of them would probably start with “I thought regular yoga was retarded, but…” I’m gonna skip all that for brevity’s sake. Instead, use the time you would be using to read a lengthy introduction to go get yourself some paper towels or napkins or something. That way you’ll have something to clean up with after your brain explodes.

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When his nation’s land was was threatened by foreign devils, Ahn Sang-Gyu did what any sensible patriot would do: he covered himself with bees.

The Japanese recently claimed a small chain of islands between Japan and South Korea, an area they’ve apparently fought over for years. In protest, Mr. Sang-Gyu – a bee farmer – covered himself with “about 187,453 bees,” the number of square meters on the islands. They weighed over 40 kilograms and stung him “constantly.”

I like to think that he made his point, whatever it was. If nothing else, at least he… umm… got stung by a fuckload of bees?

(video here, bbc article here)

You may have seen PetitionOnline.com before. It’s a site for people to post and sign – you guessed it – petitions online. It’s pretty much anonymous, and it’s open to whoever wants to contribute, so there’s tons of unbelievably retarded crap on there that isn’t worth looking at, but guess what? I took the time to weed out a few you might want to check out. I’m just good like that. Some of my favorites:

Petition for a new Oasis Website
358 signatures

“Oasis has a loyal, hard-core fanbase that has been supportive of the band
through the years, either when they were on top of the world, or when they
were on the verge of a break-up. Therefore, i think it’s fair to ask
Ignition management and Big Brother Records to put effort into the creation
of a website that serves the needs of one of the most loyal fanbases any
band could wish.”

Petition for a film based on the Nintendo game Mega Man
338 signatures

“We, the undersigned, sincerely wish for the video-game entertainment giant Capcom Co., LTD to set the framework for a film based on the “Mega Man” video game series, first launched in 1987. In addition to this request, we would also appreciate if the executives at Capcom would collaborate with the creators of the famed “Mega Man Fan-Trailer” (a mock movie project available at http://www.planet-megaman.com/mmmovie/), in order to bring a fan’s viewpoint into the creation of this film.”

Petition for Equal Rights for Juggalos
1,317 signatures

“this petition is for the fight of juggalo equality [sic]. we are called juggalos we live all across the world but in the united states we are currently facing our biggest hardship of them all [sic]. we are being treated like a cult or a gang. we are very religious group. yes we may listen to music that talks of murder axes drugs and sex but that’s all that is music [sic]. there was a underlying message from the founding group of this all the Insane Clown Posse [sic].”

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So I’m doing a google image search for “quicksand” – we’ve all been there, haven’t we? – when I stumble across this picture:

Obviously, I had to check it out. You know – for the blog. Yeah.

CarStuckGirls.com describes itself as the premiere place on the web to see “sexy young girls who got stuck hopeless with their car, jeep, suv or van in mud, snow, sand, clay or wet gras [sic]. See Pedal Pumping with sweet muddy feet, barefoot or with boots, pantyhose, pumps, high-heels, riding boots, sneakers or buffalos. Our cute girls try to rock, push and tow the car out of the mud. So when you like spinning tires and love to see a girl who stuck in the mud [sic] or maybe a muddy catfight – Then you are right here [sic?], because we are the experts for carstuck and Pedal Pumping videos!”

So what can I say that they haven’t already? Let’s see – ooh, I’ve got it!

This is completely fucking deranged.

George Reiger is the self-proclaimed #1 Disney Fan. Judging by his photo galleries, I think he’s probably right. He’s also a professional magician but, you know, DUH. Of course he’s a professional magician. Check out an interview with him here and let all your stupid petty bullshit problems melt away as you realize that things could always be much, much worse.

Boingboing posted today about a second death within a year’s on Epcot Center’s Mission Space ride.  Bummer.  People die at Disney World more than you might think, though.  John Marr collected a bunch of incidents for the “Death At Disneyland” issue of his fantastic zine Murder Can Be Fun.  Check it out here.

Cayetano Ferrer is selling everything he owns on eBay “packaged in a large crate crafted from high quality poplar wood” as part of his BFA thesis at the School of the Art Institute Chicago. With 43 bids so far, the auction (which ends tomorrow) is up to $10,600, but the reserve hasn’t been met yet.

The auction’s reserve is the total amount of money he owes on his student loans.

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