I found this on the sidewalk on North Avenue this morning while I was on my way to get a cup of coffee. I love it! Where the hell do drug dealers get bags like these? The internet? What’s the point? If you smoke/snort/eat/hoop/parachute whatever’s in these things, will it make you feel like Superman? Maybe it’s PCP. PCP makes you pretty much the strongest person in the world, but it doesn’t make you benevolent like Superman. It makes you chuck pool balls at cop cars. Oh, shit – I think Jo just nailed it.

Superman. You know… like Kryptonite. Whatever. This totally sweet drug baggie rules.

I think it looks pretty good. How about you?

(via ninjaslice)

Although this video makes my hipster irony sense tingle like crazy (which makes me wanna run down to the corner of Damen, North & Milwaukee and scream to every latte-sipping doofus within earshot, “David Hasselhoff rules!”), the fact remains that the song is absolutely atrocious. I feel so conflicted: I can’t decide whether to tag this as a “thing that rules” or a “thing that sucks.” You know what? Fuck it – it’s both.

[gv data=”http://www.youtube.com/v/ykSzwYQV6PU”][/gv]

That was the best thing ever. You opened the box and counted seven. Could that be right? You counted them again. Seven. You snapped the box closed and looked around casually, playing it cool. You were pulling the ultimate scam. You looked at the guy behind the counter, then quickly looked away. You opened up the the little package of barbeque sauce (or sweet & sour if you were a little precocious), dunked one in, and ate it. The evidence was gone and you were still left with six totally unscathed, totally delicious McNuggets. Then one of them had one of those weird cartilaginous tooth thingees in it and fucked everything up, but still – at least you got an extra one for free. Does this even happen anymore? Do kids still occasionally get an extra McNugget in their 6 piece, or do they have robots that count the McNuggets now? If they do it’s a real bummer since, you know, the extra Chicken McNugget totally RULES.

People talk a lot about how America is about to be unseated as the dominant global superpower, citing the falling value of the American dollar, our dependence on foreign oil, an ever-rising deficit and a crumbling Social Security system, but you know what? You don’t have to pay any attention to any of that. All you have to do is look at Kobayashi and you’ll know we’re fucked. Seriously. The guy has won the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest for the past six years. In 2001, when he first entered the contest, he ate 50 hot dogs in 20 minutes. You know what the record was before that? 25. This year, in 2006, he ate 53 3/4. FOX had this show called Man vs. Beast where Kobayashi was in a hot dog eating contest against an 1,100 pound Kodiak bear. He lost (duh—it’s a BEAR), but still. America’s been behind for a long time when it came to piddling crap like education and healthcare, but competitive eating? You’d think we’d still be a contender there. A Japanese dude winning a hot dog eating contest at Coney Island is like a Kenyan making the best apple pie in the entire world: totally fucked. So we’re all doomed, but still—Kobayashi rules.

“What’s Attacking You” is up on Yankee Pot Roast today. Roll out the red carpet, bitches!

So I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that I’m being published in a new book called The Very Best Weblog Writing Ever. It features submissions by me and a bunch of other people I’ve never met, but I’m pretty sure that’s how the internet works anyway, so that’s not really a negative at all.

But now for the bad news: you’re gonna have to part with fifteen of your hard earned dollars to buy one. This is compulsory, and yeah, that makes me feel kind of bad, but fifteen bucks isn’t really that bad for a book you will cherish forever, something that will actually exist and sit on your bookshelf, something that you’ll have to pack up in a cardboard box every time you move unlike this ephemeral, web-based clusterfuck of apathy and HTML tags. I guess what I’m saying is they’re taking pre-orders so click the picture and buy the book alredy.

Remember when you figured out that Kraftwerk’s “Metropolis” is the exact same speed as Prince’s “Little Red Corvette?” Too late – some kid in Sweden already did that like two years ago. Screw a bunch of “mashups” anyway – it’s time to take it to the next level. While you were sitting in a swivel chair failing miserably at mixing Lil Jon with R.E.M., some dude named Matthew at Pottymouth.org was sitting in an even darker room than you were. He sat there for a long time staring at the wall for hours, thinking about how mashups are stupid. He made a snack. All of the sudden the wall-mounted CD rack right above him broke and all of his Pixies CDs fell on his head. Then it hit him. No – not “Caribou.” The future of mashups. The trail has been blazed. Thanks, Matt.

Matthew’s Celebrity Pixies Tribute (via metafilter)

Today I stumbled across a short movie on Atom Films called “Game Over.” Good stuff.

PES, the guy who made it, has all kinds of other stop-action goodness on his website. Try out “Roof Sex” for a crash course in awesome. “KaBoom!” shreds so hard that it will melt your face off and you won’t even really mind. You owe him your face for making such sweet shit and letting you watch it for free.

So I’m doing a google image search for “quicksand” – we’ve all been there, haven’t we? – when I stumble across this picture:

Obviously, I had to check it out. You know – for the blog. Yeah.

CarStuckGirls.com describes itself as the premiere place on the web to see “sexy young girls who got stuck hopeless with their car, jeep, suv or van in mud, snow, sand, clay or wet gras [sic]. See Pedal Pumping with sweet muddy feet, barefoot or with boots, pantyhose, pumps, high-heels, riding boots, sneakers or buffalos. Our cute girls try to rock, push and tow the car out of the mud. So when you like spinning tires and love to see a girl who stuck in the mud [sic] or maybe a muddy catfight – Then you are right here [sic?], because we are the experts for carstuck and Pedal Pumping videos!”

So what can I say that they haven’t already? Let’s see – ooh, I’ve got it!

This is completely fucking deranged.