RUSSIA’S LEADER TURNED OUT TO BE SUPER WEIRD

When’s the last time you had a sudden urge to pet a small child “like a kitten”? Really? Never? Listen: if Russia’s President wants to pet a child like a kitten, who are you to say he can’t? He’s a powerful man. He’ll do what he wants when he wants, and if that means he has to kiss a little boy’s stomach in front of a bunch of TV cameras, well, so be it. Now dude’s getting dissed all over the place. Even Condi won’t touch him with a ten-footer. Condi! Dayum! All dude wants is a handshake! You cold, Condi!

PEOPLE KNOW WHO IS A SPY

Some dudes were like “That babe over there is totally a spy” and she was like “Oh BEANS,” cuz now her career is ruined. What’s a spy supposed to do after everyone knows she’s a spy? Work in a spy store? Sell those portable blacklights for exposing motel sheet jizz on late night television? Dudes totally blew it and now they’re gonna be all like “Oh, well, uhhh, when I said she’s totally a spy blup blup blup blup blup” and she’s gonna be like “Bullshit!” and you’ll half-heartedly pay attention to it but somehow you’ll still have very strong opinions about the whole thing.

PIRATES DISCOVERED IN MIDWEST

Families are paying record amounts of money to see pirates for a little while at strip malls throughout the country. The pirates are charming, non-threatening, and strangely devoid of odor. They occasionally resort to “intense sequences of adventure violence” and sometimes they turn into ghosts for some reason. Admission is about $10 per person to see them. One of them acts like Keith Richards.

NORTH KOREA HAS SOME BUSTED-ASS MISSILES

Everyone is totally flipping out that North Korea tried to launch some missiles, despite the fact that the fucking things don’t even work anyway. That’s like calling the fire department because you see something that looks like it might be on fire soon. Chill out!

HALLIBURTON DID SOME MORE FUCKED UP SHIT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND

There was something about a contract. A couple billion dollars or something, I think. I think Cheney’s brother owns the company or something, and they’re trying to get the oil in Iraq so they lied about WMDs and now there’s, like, these contracts. Or there aren’t contracts but there were supposed to be, and now people are pissed. Something about contracts, I’m pretty sure. For the oil. Fuck Bush!

SOME DUDE GOT HEADBUTTED

This one guy from one country was like “YARRRGH!” and threw his head really hard into the chest of another guy from another country who was like “UGGGGH” and he fell down. Everyone totally flipped out and text-messaged each other like “did you see that?” which they obviously had since they were watching it too and now there’s like a thousand animated gifs all over the internet with captions in a thousand different languages that show some guy headbutting some other guy. Brain asploded.