I can’t believe it either. A third post about what may very well be the crappiest movie ever made. Once this is done, I will have officially spent more time thinking about this film than any of the people involved in its production.

I was thinking about those soundboards – you know, the ones that were really funny a few years ago. They always took samples from the classics (T2, Commando, Kindergarten Cop), but for some reason Junior was grossly underrepresented. Why might that be? It’s chock-full of great clips!

I’m not gonna put one together or anything (that would be an absolutely outrageous waste of time – the movie is WAY too stupid to deserve such attention), but here’s a little montage with a few of the possibilities.

And with that, let us never speak of Junior ever again.

(edit: for some reason the mp3 is playing back way too slow, but you know what? I am not putting any more time, effort, or thought into a movie about Arnold Schwarzenegger having a baby.)

A kid who grew up across the street from me just got busted for growing $2 million worth of weed in his apartment. I haven’t seen him since we were in 4th grade. One time we were playing TurboGrafx-16 and his grandpa busted into the room and started beating the living shit out of him, so I went home.

We were playing Splatterhouse.

Here’s his MySpace profile – note the url. Very subtle, Tony.

11:28pm

First reason to like Junior:

– pee joke within the first 2 minutes.

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11:35pm

– Arnold is a doctor who studies monkey pregnancies. This is just part of the plot. I’m not making a joke here.

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11:39pm

– I wonder if it is hard to deliver lines of dialogue with conviction in a movie about Arnold Schwarzenegger getting pregnant.

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11:41pm

– I’m not sure if I can watch this entire movie.

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11:47pm

– Do all scientists have monkeys? No matter what? Because I don’t understand why the new scientist who took Schwarzenegger’s old lab after he lost his funding for the pregnancy drug would (or could) just keep his old monkeys.

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11:50pm

– Even if this new drug is really spectacular, how it could make Arnold pregnant? Is the fetus growing in his intestines? And if not, where?

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11:53pm

– Another pee joke.

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11:55pm

– Arnold just said “My nipples are very sensitive.” This movie is weird.

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11:58pm

– For all the typing that I’m doing right now jotting down these notes, somebody did a lot more typing when they wrote the script for this movie. That blows my mind.

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12:03am

– Am I seriously watching a movie where the current governor of California’s out-of-wack hormones make him cry during a sad movie because he’s pregnant?

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12:07am

– Did I mention that I’m not sure if I can watch this entire movie?

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12:19am

– Quick plot recap: Arnold and his partner (Danny DeVito) are scientists who lose their research funding for a new pregnancy drug. To secure funding, they decide to impregnate Arnold and have him take the drug to collect data. Arnold is supposed to stop taking the medicine before the end of his first trimester, but being pregnant makes him feel more vibrant and alive than he ever had before so he decides to keep taking the medicine. He decides to have his baby. In other words, Junior is actually a movie about a scientist who goes completely batshit insane.

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12:24am

– Arnold’s German word for “boner”: “Schteifen.”

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12:27am

– I wonder where the fat suit Arnold wore in this movie is now?

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12:30am

– Arnold forces Danny DeVito to take it back after he says that Arnold should have stopped taking the medicine when he was supposed to (in other words, when he says that Arnold should have aborted the fetus). Maybe the religious right could use this movie to spread their message? Or… gasp… maybe it IS the religious right spreading their message!

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12:42am

– Arnold says “My body, my choice.” I guess it’s not the religious right. After he says it, he throws the evil research director through a rack full of beakers.

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12:46am

– I bet this movie is really unpopular in the GLBT community.

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1:04am

– When the baby is born, it looks pretty real. All covered in that baby mucus stuff. Did they slather it in vaseline or something?

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1:11am

– Last joke in the movie: maybe Danny DeVito should have a baby!

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1:14am

– I want the last 109 minutes of my life back.

Who am I kidding? I can’t fucking wait.

New article up on Cracked today. That’s all.

Can someone please explain to me why it took me four months to find out about Kevin Federline’s branded Yahoo!-powered search engine SearchWithKevin.com? And here I’ve been using Google like some kind of asshole. To think all this time I could’ve been winning sweet prizes (just for surfing the web!) like K-Fed t-shirts, autographs, and “a chance to attend Kevin’s private birthday celebrations in Los Angeles.” You can also download the “branded Internet Explorer toolbars for instant search & win access” and “quick links to Kevin & his music,” which they guarantee has ” NO ADWARE, SPYWARE OR ANYTHING!” Coming from anyone else I would be wary of downloading something that is guaranteed in all caps to have no adware, spyware, or “anything,” but it’s you, Kevin. Why wouldn’t I trust someone who has nothing left to lose?

As a parenthetical footnote, I’d like to point out that Prodege, the company behind SearchWithKevin, is, according to their website, “the first socially-conscious search engine” who have “pioneered a new way for charities to raise contributions with a cost-free vehicle.” In this case, they are raising money for the National Buy-Some-Dude-With-Zero-Prospects-Some-Macaroni-And-Cheese Fund.

(via geekologie)

p.s. PEEP IT ON THE ‘SPACE, YO!

I went up to my parents’ house last night and ended up digging through a huge bin full of old pictures for a while. I came across some gems. Two of them were scan-worthy. Here they are.

See that guy on the right? That’s Sam Geskin. He was a junk collector in Chicago. He was also a raging alcoholic. The guy on the left is Julius Geskin, who owned a chicken farm in Iowa.

I don’t know who these people are. All I know is that I’m related to them and that they’re almost painfully ugly. Check out the one on the left. Ouch.

These are my people.

On any given day teenagers perform countless spontaneous acts of stupidity. But how many of those stupid, spontaneous acts generate highbrow discussions about free speech that end up going all the way to the Supreme Court? In the seven years of my own personal teendom, I can say with confidence that I was involved in over 1,000 acts of a stupid and spontaneous nature, and not a single one of them did anything but get me either wounded or grounded. That means that less than .1% of all stupid and spontaneous acts performed by teenagers generate highbrow discussions about free speech and end up going all the way to the Supreme Court.

QED.

Last week I posted a video to this weird little website someone told me about called YouTube. I put up a video of a late night tv show just so I could link to it and call it stupid, but it turns out that this YouTube thing is pretty popular and people actually look at the videos posted there – even if they’re not linked to them from this site! Weird, huh? Today the video got its first comment, which made some very interesting points:

Luckily, just when I was thinking to myself “the internet is fucking retarded,” someone sent me a link to I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER? and now everything is back to normal.

I could also watch twittervision for days, even though I don’t understand it at all.

I’m so glad I took the three seconds to create a fortune cookies tag last week.

This one actually does kind of make sense, though – you just have to read it three times to figure it out.