Although this video makes my hipster irony sense tingle like crazy (which makes me wanna run down to the corner of Damen, North & Milwaukee and scream to every latte-sipping doofus within earshot, “David Hasselhoff rules!”), the fact remains that the song is absolutely atrocious. I feel so conflicted: I can’t decide whether to tag this as a “thing that rules” or a “thing that sucks.” You know what? Fuck it – it’s both.
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RUSSIA’S LEADER TURNED OUT TO BE SUPER WEIRD
When’s the last time you had a sudden urge to pet a small child “like a kitten”? Really? Never? Listen: if Russia’s President wants to pet a child like a kitten, who are you to say he can’t? He’s a powerful man. He’ll do what he wants when he wants, and if that means he has to kiss a little boy’s stomach in front of a bunch of TV cameras, well, so be it. Now dude’s getting dissed all over the place. Even Condi won’t touch him with a ten-footer. Condi! Dayum! All dude wants is a handshake! You cold, Condi!
PEOPLE KNOW WHO IS A SPY
Some dudes were like “That babe over there is totally a spy” and she was like “Oh BEANS,” cuz now her career is ruined. What’s a spy supposed to do after everyone knows she’s a spy? Work in a spy store? Sell those portable blacklights for exposing motel sheet jizz on late night television? Dudes totally blew it and now they’re gonna be all like “Oh, well, uhhh, when I said she’s totally a spy blup blup blup blup blup” and she’s gonna be like “Bullshit!” and you’ll half-heartedly pay attention to it but somehow you’ll still have very strong opinions about the whole thing.
PIRATES DISCOVERED IN MIDWEST
Families are paying record amounts of money to see pirates for a little while at strip malls throughout the country. The pirates are charming, non-threatening, and strangely devoid of odor. They occasionally resort to “intense sequences of adventure violence” and sometimes they turn into ghosts for some reason. Admission is about $10 per person to see them. One of them acts like Keith Richards.
NORTH KOREA HAS SOME BUSTED-ASS MISSILES
Everyone is totally flipping out that North Korea tried to launch some missiles, despite the fact that the fucking things don’t even work anyway. That’s like calling the fire department because you see something that looks like it might be on fire soon. Chill out!
HALLIBURTON DID SOME MORE FUCKED UP SHIT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND
There was something about a contract. A couple billion dollars or something, I think. I think Cheney’s brother owns the company or something, and they’re trying to get the oil in Iraq so they lied about WMDs and now there’s, like, these contracts. Or there aren’t contracts but there were supposed to be, and now people are pissed. Something about contracts, I’m pretty sure. For the oil. Fuck Bush!
SOME DUDE GOT HEADBUTTED
This one guy from one country was like “YARRRGH!” and threw his head really hard into the chest of another guy from another country who was like “UGGGGH” and he fell down. Everyone totally flipped out and text-messaged each other like “did you see that?” which they obviously had since they were watching it too and now there’s like a thousand animated gifs all over the internet with captions in a thousand different languages that show some guy headbutting some other guy. Brain asploded.
This post was supposed to be called “Less Effective Hats.” It was going to have a bunch of pictures of famous hat-wearing historical figures photoshopped to be wearing, um, different hats. Hilarious, right? Well Napoleon didn’t look quite right with the trucker hat and I couldn’t quite match the greys between Abraham Lincoln and his new viking horns and you know what? I give up. There was one that I thought was kind of funny, though, which I will now post for your viewing pleasure.
What unexpected juxtaposition! Delightful! You want more? Fine. Here’s a bonus prize: a video of a narcoleptic daschund.
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That was the best thing ever. You opened the box and counted seven. Could that be right? You counted them again. Seven. You snapped the box closed and looked around casually, playing it cool. You were pulling the ultimate scam. You looked at the guy behind the counter, then quickly looked away. You opened up the the little package of barbeque sauce (or sweet & sour if you were a little precocious), dunked one in, and ate it. The evidence was gone and you were still left with six totally unscathed, totally delicious McNuggets. Then one of them had one of those weird cartilaginous tooth thingees in it and fucked everything up, but still – at least you got an extra one for free. Does this even happen anymore? Do kids still occasionally get an extra McNugget in their 6 piece, or do they have robots that count the McNuggets now? If they do it’s a real bummer since, you know, the extra Chicken McNugget totally RULES.
“what are you, some kind of wizard?”
“what is the most pot tupac smoked at one time”
“matthew barney sucks”
“teeth filed like fangs”
People talk a lot about how America is about to be unseated as the dominant global superpower, citing the falling value of the American dollar, our dependence on foreign oil, an ever-rising deficit and a crumbling Social Security system, but you know what? You don’t have to pay any attention to any of that. All you have to do is look at Kobayashi and you’ll know we’re fucked. Seriously. The guy has won the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest for the past six years. In 2001, when he first entered the contest, he ate 50 hot dogs in 20 minutes. You know what the record was before that? 25. This year, in 2006, he ate 53 3/4. FOX had this show called Man vs. Beast where Kobayashi was in a hot dog eating contest against an 1,100 pound Kodiak bear. He lost (duh—it’s a BEAR), but still. America’s been behind for a long time when it came to piddling crap like education and healthcare, but competitive eating? You’d think we’d still be a contender there. A Japanese dude winning a hot dog eating contest at Coney Island is like a Kenyan making the best apple pie in the entire world: totally fucked. So we’re all doomed, but still—Kobayashi rules.
“What’s Attacking You” is up on Yankee Pot Roast today. Roll out the red carpet, bitches!
What do John Edwards, the FBI, the FAA, and Charlotte Hornets owner George Shinn have in common? Easy: they’re all in on a massive conspiracy to… umm… fly a helicopter 25 feet above this guy’s house. This YouTube video has rekindled my love affair with the internet. It first started making the rounds about two weeks ago (about a decade ago in internet time), but I figured I should probably post it in case anyone hasn’t seen it. Prepare to have your mind blown.
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