Click image for full story, and here for a picture of Jimmy Carter totally flipping out on a boat. (comic via xkcd)

This “phenomenon” is getting pretty big media coverage right now thanks to a couple of kids in California, but ghost ridin’ the whip ain’t nothin new. What’s the matter? You scared? Don’t even sweat it – my man Mistah FAB‘ll give you specific instructions on how to do it. E-40 can help you out, too. Or hey, here’s an idea: just look around on youtube and watch hundreds of idiots almost (or actually) kill themselves.

Now that the “movement” is getting all attention from the media, maybe it’s time to take it to the next level. Some suggestions:

– Jump out of moving car, hop up on hood, cut own head off. (Ghostcapitate The Whip)

– Jump out of moving car, drink poison, die. (Ghostsippin’ On Some Cyzzanide)

– Jump out of moving car, shoot innocent bystanders until police come and shoot you. (Ghostkill A Bunch Of People)

– Jump out of moving car, run across double yellow line, dance in oncoming traffic until you get hit by a car. (Ghostgetyourselfkilledlikeafuckingmoron)

– Drink GHB, jump out of moving car, hop up on hood, put on blindfold, juggle chainsaws. (Ghostdo The Most Awesome Thing Ever)

– Be white, jump out of moving car, get totally terrified and decide to co-opt a more relaxed subset of black culture – possibly reggae, or that “intelligent” hip hop where they don’t call women “bitches.” (Ghostcry Like A Widdle Baby)

When I heard this morning that Saparmurat Niyazov had died of a heart attack, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Dead?” I thought to myself, “Saparmurat? Could this really be happening? And if so, who is he? I’ve never heard of him before.”

Saparmurat always thought of Turkmenistan as one of his own children. Maybe as his only child – I’m not really sure if he had children. I think I remember something about that from the BBC, but I’m not sure about the exact details. He thought of Turkmenistan as a child, one way or another, and a child needs to be nurtured, and nurture he did from the very first day of his Presidency (which was a day some time within the last hundred years) to the day he died (which was yesterday, I think). The country will never be the same. Or maybe it will be. I’m not totally sure what’s going to happen over there, or where “over there” is, exactly. I think it’s pretty close to Russia.

The BBC report said that Saparmurat once banned hospitals. That was the kind of guy he was – always joking around, or attempting to ensure painful and drawn-out disease and death for his subjects. There was another thing they mentioned that he once banned, but I forget what it was. Their police force, maybe? Food? I can’t remember, exactly. Whatever it was, it was CLASSIC Saparmurat. You should really google it and try to figure it out. It will provide you with a deeper understanding of who Saparmurat Niyazov really was, just like the deep understanding I momentarily possessed while listening to a radio report about his death earlier this morning.

(more…)

The BBC actually expects me to believe the following sentence:

“The world’s tallest man has saved two dolphins by using his long arms to reach into their stomachs and pull out dangerous plastic shards.”

Where did this happen? On the moon? How did the plastic shards get into the dolphins? Was it a ghost from the future? After all this happened, did he fly away on a unicorn?

Shame on you, BBC.

(note: It also says that “Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun was called in after the dolphins swallowed plastic used around their pool at an aquarium in Fushun, north-east China. Attempts to use instruments failed as the dolphins contracted their stomachs. Guinness World Records list Mr Bao, 54, as the world’s tallest living man at 2.36m (7ft 8.95in).” So wait – you’re telling me that the aquarium realized that these dolphins swallowed some plastic and tried to get the pieces out, and when they realized that they couldn’t do it they were like “I guess we better call in Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun – the world’s tallest living man”? That was their solution? What?! Was he already at the aquarium and they saw his head sticking out above the crowd and they were like “Hey, let’s call him in” or did they have him on speed dial in case something like this came up or what? There are a lot of unanswered questions here.)

(note #3: Hey – look what else they say in this article! “The heads of the dolphins were held back and towels wrapped around their teeth so Mr Bao could not be bitten. He then extended his 1.06m-long arm into the mammals’ stomachs.” Do they have annual awards for “Best Single Sentence In An International News Story”, and if not, can they start now?)

As you may have heard, the Hard Rock restaurant, hotel, and casino chain has been acquired by the Seminole Tribe for $965 million. As such, the company’s operations stand to change dramatically over the next few months. Here’s a small sampling of what’s to come, according to a trusted and reliable Seminole insider. Seriously.

PAY

– Employees will now be paid in blankets and liquor.

– Full-time employees will have the opportunity to trade all of their earned blankets and liquor within any two-week pay period for ownership of Manhattan Island, which can then be sold back to Hard Rock management for $24.

– Chief Planted Bush want raise.

DRESS CODE

FASHION DO: Tight pants, sleeveless shirts. “Rock n’ roll” attitude.

FASHION DON’T: Headdresses, hides. Anything “Indianish.”

FASHION DO: Korn t-shirt.

FASHION DON’T: “You Slaughtered My People And Robbed Us Of Our Land” t-shirt.

FASHION DO: Tattoos of skulls, roses.

FASHION DON’T: Tattoos of weird tribal birds, American Indians.

FASHION DO: Mohawk.

FASHION DON’T: Mohawk.

FOOD

New food items to be served at all Hard Rock Cafe locations include the following:

– Holy Moley Seminoley Guacamole

– Tomahawk Taco Tots

РAntiquated Way Of Life Jalape̱o Poppers

– Peace Piperific Pizza Tubes

– Trail Of Tears Spicy Buffalo Wings

CUSTOMER SERVICE

New customer service standards will be implemented beginning January 1, 2007. We like to call them the “CARE” Plan – just follow four simple rules:

C – CREATE a pleasant atmosphere for the customer!

A – AVOID bringing up the fact that the colonization of North America completely decimated an entire race of people!

R – REMEMBER to refill those drinks!

E – EMPHASIZE the gift shop!

That title might be a little misleading, to be honest. More accurately, the world’s first gay car was “outed,” not “discovered.” Oh, and scientists didn’t do it. It was David Hasselhoff.

That’s right, folks. You guessed it: KITT was gay.

This shouldn’t come as a surprise to true Knight Rider fans. The signs were there all along, as early as Episode 108: A Crafty Plan. C’mon – remember this?!

What do you mean, “no”? Did you even watch Knight Rider? Whatever.

Oh, and this just in: The Batmobile and the General Lee are fucking. Tell all your friends.

A dozen people? Left waiting at the post office?! What is the world coming to?

No, seriously. I want to know. Tell me.

I think it looks pretty good. How about you?

(via ninjaslice)

RUSSIA’S LEADER TURNED OUT TO BE SUPER WEIRD

When’s the last time you had a sudden urge to pet a small child “like a kitten”? Really? Never? Listen: if Russia’s President wants to pet a child like a kitten, who are you to say he can’t? He’s a powerful man. He’ll do what he wants when he wants, and if that means he has to kiss a little boy’s stomach in front of a bunch of TV cameras, well, so be it. Now dude’s getting dissed all over the place. Even Condi won’t touch him with a ten-footer. Condi! Dayum! All dude wants is a handshake! You cold, Condi!

PEOPLE KNOW WHO IS A SPY

Some dudes were like “That babe over there is totally a spy” and she was like “Oh BEANS,” cuz now her career is ruined. What’s a spy supposed to do after everyone knows she’s a spy? Work in a spy store? Sell those portable blacklights for exposing motel sheet jizz on late night television? Dudes totally blew it and now they’re gonna be all like “Oh, well, uhhh, when I said she’s totally a spy blup blup blup blup blup” and she’s gonna be like “Bullshit!” and you’ll half-heartedly pay attention to it but somehow you’ll still have very strong opinions about the whole thing.

PIRATES DISCOVERED IN MIDWEST

Families are paying record amounts of money to see pirates for a little while at strip malls throughout the country. The pirates are charming, non-threatening, and strangely devoid of odor. They occasionally resort to “intense sequences of adventure violence” and sometimes they turn into ghosts for some reason. Admission is about $10 per person to see them. One of them acts like Keith Richards.

NORTH KOREA HAS SOME BUSTED-ASS MISSILES

Everyone is totally flipping out that North Korea tried to launch some missiles, despite the fact that the fucking things don’t even work anyway. That’s like calling the fire department because you see something that looks like it might be on fire soon. Chill out!

HALLIBURTON DID SOME MORE FUCKED UP SHIT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND

There was something about a contract. A couple billion dollars or something, I think. I think Cheney’s brother owns the company or something, and they’re trying to get the oil in Iraq so they lied about WMDs and now there’s, like, these contracts. Or there aren’t contracts but there were supposed to be, and now people are pissed. Something about contracts, I’m pretty sure. For the oil. Fuck Bush!

SOME DUDE GOT HEADBUTTED

This one guy from one country was like “YARRRGH!” and threw his head really hard into the chest of another guy from another country who was like “UGGGGH” and he fell down. Everyone totally flipped out and text-messaged each other like “did you see that?” which they obviously had since they were watching it too and now there’s like a thousand animated gifs all over the internet with captions in a thousand different languages that show some guy headbutting some other guy. Brain asploded.

If you’ve been reading the papers lately, you’ve probably noticed how there are way too many words in them. Don’t sweat it, though: put down that paper and read through this post in its entirety, and within seconds you’ll be able to speak with authority on subjects of international import. Whether you’re at the office with your coworkers, at home with your roommates, or at a cocktail party with your apathetic and ill-informed friends, Hypocritical Mass has got what you need: the truth in 200 words or less.

CREEPS ON MYSPACE
All these perverts were like “ooooh” and then little kids were like “gah?” and then the parents were all “GAH!!!” so Rupert Murdoch hired some Navy Seals to kill every pedophile in the USA. They got like half of them, and the other half deleted their Myspace accounts and logged back into Friendster. Then they got super bummed out cuz only like four people had looked at their Friendster profile in the six months since they last logged in. But now Myspace is all rainbows and beautiful meadows and the kids roll in the grass and laugh and there are red balloons everywhere and the parents don’t even sweat it cuz its the safest place in the entire world. Seriously.

DOGS AND TURTLES ARE DROPPING LIKE FLIES
First Darwin’s tortoise dies at 176. Then Frasier’s terrier dies at 16 later that night. Are we really supposed to believe that this is all somehow a coincidence? Fuck that – Harriet and Eddie didn’t die. Harriet and Eddie were ASSASSINATED.

GAS IS SUPER EXPENSIVE
You know all those picures you see of kids in third world countries with the bloated bellies and the weird belly buttons and the flies landing on their actual eyeballs but they don’t even respond because they’re so fucking hungry that their eye nerves shut down weeks ago to conserve energy? You know how they always come on while you’re trying to watch “Zoolander” at 3 AM on FX and you’re like “C’mon! He was about to make that cute little puckered-up ‘I’m Ben Stiller’ face again! This is bullshit!” You know have after that you say “fuck it” and turn off the TV and walk to the fridge and open it, looking for something good, but there’s nothing really in there? Don’t you hate nights like that? God.

AXL’S BACK
It’s pretty depressing when the most press you’ve had in a decade is for biting a Swede.