As you may have heard, the Hard Rock restaurant, hotel, and casino chain has been acquired by the Seminole Tribe for $965 million. As such, the company’s operations stand to change dramatically over the next few months. Here’s a small sampling of what’s to come, according to a trusted and reliable Seminole insider. Seriously.

PAY

– Employees will now be paid in blankets and liquor.

– Full-time employees will have the opportunity to trade all of their earned blankets and liquor within any two-week pay period for ownership of Manhattan Island, which can then be sold back to Hard Rock management for $24.

– Chief Planted Bush want raise.

DRESS CODE

FASHION DO: Tight pants, sleeveless shirts. “Rock n’ roll” attitude.

FASHION DON’T: Headdresses, hides. Anything “Indianish.”

FASHION DO: Korn t-shirt.

FASHION DON’T: “You Slaughtered My People And Robbed Us Of Our Land” t-shirt.

FASHION DO: Tattoos of skulls, roses.

FASHION DON’T: Tattoos of weird tribal birds, American Indians.

FASHION DO: Mohawk.

FASHION DON’T: Mohawk.

FOOD

New food items to be served at all Hard Rock Cafe locations include the following:

– Holy Moley Seminoley Guacamole

– Tomahawk Taco Tots

РAntiquated Way Of Life Jalape̱o Poppers

– Peace Piperific Pizza Tubes

– Trail Of Tears Spicy Buffalo Wings

CUSTOMER SERVICE

New customer service standards will be implemented beginning January 1, 2007. We like to call them the “CARE” Plan – just follow four simple rules:

C – CREATE a pleasant atmosphere for the customer!

A – AVOID bringing up the fact that the colonization of North America completely decimated an entire race of people!

R – REMEMBER to refill those drinks!

E – EMPHASIZE the gift shop!