Dear Internet Perverts Who Continually Wind Up On My Website By Searching Google For Strange And Filthy Things,

I’m afraid there’s been some sort of misunderstanding. Although you have ended up on my website in the last month by searching for the following, I regret to inform you that I do not have any pictures or videos of:

– pamela and tommy fucking
– free nude pics johnny depp
– pussy plundering movies
– photoshop pussy brushes
– sexiest prostitute
– stupid maid porn
– hairy men
– japanese mass fucking video
– remote control wife bigger boobs
– big nigerian dick porn
– goldie hawn crotch shots
– huge naked tits free pics
– hot hipsters naked
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– twentysomething girls porn blowjobs
– girls depantsed video
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– big boobs bouncing in slow motion
– britney naked and desperate
– george w bush naked pics

Hopefully this will clear up some of the confusion. Oh – and if you find that “remote control wife bigger boobs” thing, let me know. I’d kind of like to see that.

I’m admittedly at least a week behind the rest of the internet in posting anything about Kenneth Eng, self-declared “Asian supremacist” and “God of the Universe.” Sure, his little column was bigoted and insensitive, but taken at face value that’s not really much of a story. What would I title the post? “Asian Guy Hates Blacks?” What a snoozer! I had the whole thing written off last week as a news blip, a sensational morsel in the sea of info insanity. Then I found out that he has an Amazon blog and once wrote a book called “Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate.” Suddenly, my interested was piqued. “Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate?” Really? Let me reiterate:

“Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate.”

Brain asploded.

Here’s a quote from his blog on the subject of religion:

“Let’s look at the muslim religion. They believe that music, dance, naked women and other such things are “indecent”. They think that some creature called “allah” will bring them peace, yadda, yadda, yadda. They think that if they bow every day, they will somehow be transported to a place called “heaven”, where everyone looks conspicuously human. I don’t know about you, but I masturbate all the time. It’s not going to affect me in any way, aside from making me need to take baths more often. And listening to O Fortuna will not make my head explode. Nor will spitting at every church I see make my intestines burst out of my abdomen.”

So now everyone is outraged, but I will forgive him for all of this because one of the dragons on the cover of his book is holding a gun. I like that.

It’s ironic that Africa is kind of shaped like a giant t-bone steak.

I’m pretty sure that Dawn, Nanette and Lela are related to each other – they all look really similar. Maybe I should check out one of their FREE WEBCAMS and see if I can get any more information.

Here’s a crappy fortune I got in my fortune cookie earlier this week at a chinese buffet:

That’s not even true. What ever happened to “a friend in need is a friend indeed”? These fortune writers are assholes.

(previously)

When you bought that yellow car you’ve got there, what exactly was going through your head? What was the message you were hoping that driving around in a bright yellow car would convey? Was it a desperate cry for attention, a way of shouting to the world “look at me – I have acquired an automobile!” Maybe it was your way of emulating the peacock’s feathers, a colorful display to attract a mate. You figured “yeah, red is pimp and all, but yellow is brighter!” You thought that the brighter the car, the more likely it would be that a female would have her eye unwittingly attracted to it, wherein she would notice that you, having an automobile, might be a good candidate for sexual intercourse. You weren’t thinking to yourself “I want to drive around in something that looks like a giant sports walkman,” or “I should pick the most obnoxious color possible – my fellow commuters will enjoy that,” were you? Maybe you were thinking “cars say a lot about the person who drives them, so I will pick this bright yellow one.” Fair enough, but check it out: burly mountain men drive pickup trucks because they’re into dirt roads and using words like “torque.” Soccer moms drive SUVs because they have enough room in them for the kids AND the groceries (huzzah!). Dudes like you drive yellow cars because you are total fucking asshat douchebags. Blech! Yellow cars suck!

A while back, I “met” this “guy” Chet “The Triple Threat” Stevens. He was a “frat boy” who totally “went to New Orleans for Mardi Gras.” He “exists.” Anyway, “he” told me his “story” and now it’s up on Cracked.com. Yeah.

So go “check it out.”

A band from Israel called Teapacks has been getting a lot of press in the last few days over their controversial submission to the Eurovision 2007 song contest entitled “Push The Button.” The song addresses the potential threat of nuclear annihilation at the hands of an unnamed enemy of the Israeli state. Teapacks will be representing Israel at the international competition in May,

That’s the story you’ll get from any major media outlet, but they all seem to be leaving out a fairly important detail: the song totally fucking sucks (edit: and here’s a video… you know, for maximum suckage). Why can’t they be more like these guys?

Kung Fu Baby
this is what the internet was made for.

Gospel Mime
just another mime spreading the word of god the only way she can – through mimery.

Paperboy – Ditty (Alternate Video)
i wonder why they didn’t use this one? weird.

The World’s Most Giant Killer Spider!!
kill it! ack!

Gong Show – Strange Act From 1976
can someone please tell me why this show ever got pulled off the air?

100 vs 1
this would be terrifying.

Oldboy “Eating Live Octopus” – Behind The Scenes
i don’t really have anything to say about this one.

Penn And Teller Get Hippies To Sign Petition Banning Water
hippies are stupid. zing!

Judge Judy 2-6-07
soooo pissed.

It’s the best way to take it, man. If you swallow it you lose too much of it in your digestive system. If you hoop it, it goes straight into your bloodstream, dude. Yeeeeeahhhhh.

(via vintage ads – more radium-related insanity here)