Like most people out there, I’m really into Tampa public access television programs from the late 1980’s to early 1990’s. I always considered myself a bit of an expert on the subject (who doesn’t?), but somehow I managed to snooze on this Sondra Prill character for years. What gives? Why didn’t anyone tell me about her before?

Sondra Prill (according to a much more detailed article about a quarter of the way down this page) allegedly took herself completely seriously as the star of a three-episode program entitled – get this – “My Show.” Sondra sang, dance and postured her heart out in each installment of the show that, according to Eric Williams of ubu.com, “provided a showcase for Sondra’s ever-evolving range of things at which she tried to be talented.” Over the course of the three shows she went from a country darlin’ to a tone-deaf diva, covering everything from Hank Williams to Janet Jackson and Technotronic. The shows were peppered with incomprehensible skits that revolved around characters like “Nellie Pineapple” and “Millie The Old Lady.”

Now I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way she could possibly have taken this seriously. You could argue that convincingly, if it weren’t for Sondra’s swan song: a 1992 concert at the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center Playhouse Theatre entitled “A Musical Fantasy.” We’re talking about a Hurricane Andrew fundraiser at a 900-seat arena here. Here’s Daniel Ruth of the Tampa Tribune on the subject:

“Ticket prices for her show ranged up to $50, a testimony to a rather intriguing assessment of her talents considering recent (and slightly better known) TBPAC performers such as Al Green and Patti LaBelle charged a maximum ticket price of $25.

“Of course Green and LaBelle lack Sultry Sondra’s unique way of handling a melody – a cross between the dulcet sound of setting one’s hair on fire and sticking one’s hand into a garbage disposal.

“Friday night’s show was not without its highlights. First, it started about 20 minutes late and in an inadvertent gaffe much to the delight of the audience, Sultry Sondra’s microphone failed during one of her songs, which meant we were all spared from having to listen to her.

“Fortunately for the rest of the city, there weren’t that many of us in the audience. Only 41 tickets were sold to Sultry Sondra, a commentary on the good sense of the populace. Of course they did miss that dramatic moment during the performance where Sultry Sondra had honey poured all over her for no particular reason. Say, That’s Entertainment!

“Needless to say the victims of Hurricane Andrew won’t be benefitting much from Friday’s extravaganza of the banal. But then again, perhaps the folks down in Miami could send Sultry Sondra a few bucks – as professional courtesy from one disaster to another.”

Here’s the bottom line: Sondra Prill is either the most brilliantly retarded performance art that Florida ever spawned or a foaming, raving lunatic, but either way her videos are absolutely fucking hysterical. Ladies and gentlemen of the internet… I give you Sondra Prill. Or YouTube does, I guess. I’ll give you the links to YouTube and then YouTube will give you Sondra Prill.

Sondra Prill – Nasty Boys

Sondra Prill – Pump Up The Jam

Sondra Prill – Addicted To Love

Sondra Prill – Your Cheatin’ Heart

Sondra Prill – Little Melissa

Sondra Prill – Nellie Pineapple

Sondra Prill – Millie The Old Lady

Sondra Prill – Mario The Body Builder

Sondra Prill – Smile Toothpaste Commercial

Sondra Prill – Imitates Eddie

Sondra Prill – Star Spangled Banner

Sorry Margo, but I think I’m gonna have to pass on this one. I’m sure the babies are very sexy, and yeah, I understand that they’re waiting (presumably for me and not for, say, a bus or a phonecall or something), but I’ve got a lot of shit to do today. I feel really bad turning down a membership considering this club was clearly designed specifically for me (who, after all, are all those sexy babies waiting for?!), but I’m busy and I don’t know what I’d be expected to do once I actually joined and, well, golly. I’m sorry, Margo. Margo4Me. Really. I am. Maybe if you or your sexy friends had a totally free live cam somewhere that I could watch? A live feed just 4 me? That would be just splendid. Also, it would help if you really actually existed. That would be a good place to start. We could just sort of, you know… take it from there.

That looks like a really uncomfortable way to sit, by the way. I hope you and your sexy friends aren’t planning on waiting around for me in that position. You could throw your back out.

MySpace seriously fucking sucks. Can we go back to Friendster already, or do we have to continue to pretend that we’re enjoying this bullshit?

“I’ve got screens in my bathroom. For real. I’ve got a screen on the ceiling above my bed so I can watch Scarface while I’m fallin’ asleep, yo. I’ve got a screen built into my fridge so I can watch Scarface while I’m waiting for crushed ice. I’ve got screens pretty much everywhere I can fit them in my crib, to be honest. I’d like to get a pair built into my eyes so I can watch Scarface while I’m just walkin’ around scopin’ everything, but ain’t no doctors finna hook me up.

“Then there’s my car. Ya’ll best believe I got screens up in that shit. I got the 10.4” foldin’ down for real. Shit’s pimp, but check it: I blew all my skrilla on screens and Scarface DVDs. Now what the fuck am I supposed to watch, yo?! Let’s see… there’s gotta be somethin’ in this bargain bin if I dig deep enough… Scary Movie 4? Nahh… The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift? Ehh… Elf? Man, this is bullshit. Oh, schnaps! Joe Dirt for $3.99? David Spade’s a funny motherfucker, man! Ehh… I don’t know, man. This looks pretty shitty now that I’m lookin’ at the back of the box, yo. “From the producing team that brought you Deuce Bigalow and Big Daddy“? Sigh… you know what, man? Fuck it. I gots a tv in my car, yo! Shit’s pimp as hell and I don’t give a fuck! One Joe Dirt, please!”

Heh. Catching Someone Watching Joe Dirt In Their Car Rules.

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m equally into EMO and HIP HOP (HIP-HOP), so when I read in the WIKIPEDIA entry for KELLY CLARKSON that the AMERICAN IDOL star would be releasing some FREE MP3s, I didn’t even give a shit. Seriously – who cares about FREE DOWNLOADS if it’s some shitty music that isn’t even EMO or HIP HOP (HIP-HOP)? Offer me all the FREE FILE DOWNLOADS in the world, but unless they’re PICS OF BRITNEY SPEARS NAKED, a VIDEO OF NAKED BRITNEY SPEARS, NAKED PICTURES BRITNEY SPEARS FUCKING, the PARIS HILTON VIDEO, or the PAMELA ANDERSON VIDEO (you know: the one with PAMELA AND TOMMY (you know: PAMELA ANDERSON AND TOMMY LEE) ON THEIR HONEYMOON PAMELA TOMMY FUCKING HONEYMOON VIDEO), I’m not interested. A FREE KELLY CLARKSON MP3? C’mon. I wouldn’t put that on my IPOD even if my BRAND NEW COLOR IPOD was a FREE BRAND NEW COLOR IPOD.

Forget about BRITNEY NAKED and PARIS FUCKING and FREE KELLY CLARKSON MP3s for your IPOD anyway. Between the WAR IN IRAQ, the latest HURRICANE disaster, and what’s going on in ISRAEL, IRAN, SYRIA, PALESTINE, and NORTH KOREA we really have bigger things to worry about, you know? Why are we spending so much time worrying about BRAD PITT, ANGELINA JOLIE, OPRAH, JOHNNY DEPP, EMINEM, 50 CENT, SHAKIRA, and MICHAEL JACKSON with all the problems in the world? GEORGE BUSH IS STUPID. GEORGE BUSH IS AN IDIOT. He lied about the WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION as an excuse to INVADE IRAQ, and now look where it got us? GEORGE W BUSH IS A STUPID IDIOT! GEORGE W BUSH SUCKS!

GEORGE BUSH RULES GEORGE W BUSH RULES GEORGE BUSH IS AWESOME GEORGE W BUSH IS AWESOME.

What I’m trying to say is this: We need to spend a little less time time watching THE SIMPSONS and SOUTH PARK (and LOST, and PRISON BREAK and SMALLVILLE and GREY’S ANATOMY and FAMILY GUY and DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES and HOUSE and NIP/TUCK and AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL), DOWNLOADING RINGTONES (even if they’re FREE RINGTONES AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD), playing ONLINE POKER to win FREE MONEY, and compulsively refreshing our MYSPACE profiles, even if they’re TOTALLY PIMPED-OUT (the same goes for FACEBOOK and FRIENDSTER profiles, too). We need to spend less time thinking about NO INTEREST LOANS, LOW MORTGAGE RATES, and CREDIT CARDS WITH 0% APR. TOTALLY FREE MONEY? There’s no such thing, my friend.

FREE CIALIS? That’s another story.

Click here for details.

That title might be a little misleading, to be honest. More accurately, the world’s first gay car was “outed,” not “discovered.” Oh, and scientists didn’t do it. It was David Hasselhoff.

That’s right, folks. You guessed it: KITT was gay.

This shouldn’t come as a surprise to true Knight Rider fans. The signs were there all along, as early as Episode 108: A Crafty Plan. C’mon – remember this?!

What do you mean, “no”? Did you even watch Knight Rider? Whatever.

Oh, and this just in: The Batmobile and the General Lee are fucking. Tell all your friends.

Can’t Buy Me Gloves – “Strange” Larry Milatovic

Ain’t Nothin’ But An “F” Thang (I Flunked Physics 101, Baby) – “Abnormal” Frank Dmitrovic

With Or Without Shoes – “Unusual” Arthur Milinkovic

Total Eclipse of Descartes (Sir Isaac Newton) – “Oddball” Steve Gligorijevic

Bruising My Trained Pigeons – “Deck Of 51” Dave Stoianovic

(I Can’t Solve No) Compound Fractions – “Queer” Louis Petranovic

I Will Always Love Glue – “Peculiar” Pete Danielovic

No Woman, No Dye (Your Hair Blonde… You Look Great As a Brunette… No, Really, You Do…) – “Bizarre” Gerald Boljkovac

Paperback Reader – “Irregular” Ivan Milinkovic

We Didn’t Slash Your Tires – “Out Of The Ordinary” Morris Krstulovic

Livin’ La Vida Boca (Burgers) – “Screwy” Hank Randjeiovic

This site is a total disaster when viewed with Safari.  How long has that been going on?  I have no idea why it’s like that, nor do I have any idea how to fix it.  I’d recommend using firefox for now.  You know – like a normal person.

Admit it: you think ceramics are for pussies. When you think of ceramics, you think of that scene from Ghost with the pottery wheel. Then you think of Pottery Barn because it also has the word “pottery” in its name. Then you realize that the bulk of your knowledge of the world of ceramics is informed by romantic/supernatural thrillers from the 1980s and stores that you’ve seen around, and you think to yourself “I really don’t know very much about ceramics.”

But then a dude named Charles Krafft comes along and makes a bunch of guns & grenades, a rabbit with a knife in its back, and some dinnerware commemorating modern disasters. Then you think to yourself “Hey… maybe ceramics is kinda cool sometimes.” You enroll in a night pottery class at your local community college. Then you find out that dude makes commemorative china out of human cremains, and you’re like “oh shit” and all this blood sprays out of your nostrils. Oops! Brain asploded!