I could preface this in any number of snarky ways. Most of them would probably start with “I thought regular yoga was retarded, but…” I’m gonna skip all that for brevity’s sake. Instead, use the time you would be using to read a lengthy introduction to go get yourself some paper towels or napkins or something. That way you’ll have something to clean up with after your brain explodes.
(link)
Yeah, I know – you’ve got a packed briefcase in one hand, a grande skim latte in your other hand, and the fucking Boeing account papers in a folder tucked under your arm which, incidentally, is ensconced in 500-thread-count Egyptian combed cotton. How could you possibly answer the phone if it weren’t for your headset? You need your wireless headset, right? That’s what you’re trying to tell me? Bullshit. You like your wireless headset because deep inside, you never wanted to be an investment banker, did you? Think back to your childhood – what was the one thing you wanted to be more than anything else? That’s right, buddy: Robocop. You think you look a little bit like Robocop, swishing around in that fancy little suit you’ve got there, chattin’ it up with some blinking monstrosity strapped to the side of your face. Don’t you? Admit it. Well guess what, tiger? You look like a fucking asshole. Wireless headsets suck.
Last week, I stumbled across an online petition dedicated to convincing Nike to release the shoes that Marty McFly wore in Back to the Future II. When I checked it then, there were over 16,000 signatures. As I type this now, a few days later, there are over 17,000. The people have spoken. But if it weren’t for one man bringing all them all together, their voices may have never been heard. That man, that great uniter, is none other than Al Cabino, a self-proclaimed “Internationally Renowned Sneakerographer.”
Hypocritical Ross: So what’s your deal?
Al Cabino: I’m a Capricorn. I love sneakers, rock music, hockey… I’m a twenty-something born and raised in Montreal, Canada, working on a book about sneaker culture.
HR: Have you always been into sneakers?
AC: Yes, I’m a sneaker fan!
HR: How many pairs do you own personally?
AC: A respectable number.
HR: What’s the deal with the Back to the Future II shoes? What makes them so special?
AC: Everyone dreams of walking in a movie star’s shoes. The McFlys are the Holy Grail of movie sneakers. The McFlys were created just for the film, they were never worn beyond the silver screen, and I’ve always been fascinated by them. There’s a sneaker legend that says that in 2015, Nike will come out with them. But I’m not going to wait 9 years. There are a lot of people who don’t want to wait 9 years.
HR: And that’s where the petition comes in?
AC: It’s the world’s first and only international sneaker petition. So far, there are over 15,000 signatures from more than 50 countries. I am applying activism to sneaker culture. There’s old-style activism with people like Naomi Klein (also born in Montreal). This is new-style activism.
HR: What do you do for a living?
AC: I work.
HR: Do you work for Nike? Is this all some sort of viral marketing campaign?
AC: Good question—The Washington Post wanted to know if I was a Nike spy.
HR: You have to admit—it does kind of smack of viral marketing.
AC: This isn’t Sneakergate, dude.
HR: I’m just trying to understand your position.
AC: I’m not one-dimensional. I love sneakers, I love hockey, I love activism… I’d love to work with UNICEF on a sneaker-related campaign, maybe create a special sneaker where the proceeds from the sale would go to UNICEF. If starting the world’s first and only international sneaker petition has turned me into an international sneaker celebrity, well, I’d also love to work with organizations like UNICEF. One of my childhood heroes is David Suzuki—he’s a Canadian icon. Google him.
HR: Wouldn’t a Nike-sponsored UNICEF campaign be a bit like mugging someone and then giving them bus fare so they can get home?
AC: I didn’t say it would be Nike-sponsored… what do you propose for my UNICEF sneaker campaign? I’m open to your ideas… I am a sneaker fan! Are you gonna write that I’m a Nike spy?
HR: How do you reconcile the differences between the tradition of activism you are coming out of and the consumer culture you are simultaneously embracing? Some might see that as a paradox. What would you say to those people that say Nike and activism can’t go together?
AC: Traditional activists are consumers too. As stated earlier, there’s old-style activism… this is new-style activism. Old-style isn’t new-style, they are different. Sounds like you can’t accept that. You’ve got liberals, you’ve got conservatives. If you get it, you get it. If you don’t, that’s fine too. I respect everyone.
HR: Some old-style activists would probably be hesitant to call what you are doing “activism,” though.
AC: The term “sneaker activism” is accurate. This is consumerism as an active, not passive, process. I was named a 2006 Noisemaker by the Montreal Mirror (Montreal’s answer to the Village Voice), Montreal is one of the most activist cities in the world. If Montreal has embraced my new-style activism, I’m sure some Cubs fans might too. In Back to the Future Part II, the Cubs defeat Miami to win the 2015 World Series.
HR: So have you gotten any response from Nike regarding the petition? It seems ridiculous that they would ignore over 16,000 people.
AC: Right after I started the petition I was contacted by someone at Nike. He said “Al, this is big. You are on the Nike Inc global intranet. Usually the only thing on there is very important stuff for the employees.” And I was on there. A few days in, they were already talking about it. Nike is the world’s biggest sneaker company. All good things take time, but everyone knows about my international sneaker campaign. I’m still collecting signatures.
HR: Why are you doing this? What’s in it for you?
AC: I want a pair of the McFlys.
HR: How much would you be willing to pay for the McFlys if they were commercially released?
AC: First, let’s get them released.
HR: Are there any other sneakers you want to see commercially available?
AC: I want to work with the Montreal Canadiens hockey club to release some special edition sneakers that would combine my love for the Montreal Canadiens and my love for sneakers. That would be the greatest honor ever.
HR: What’s with the chocolate Nikes? Where did that come from and what’s the response been like?
AC: I’m very inspired by movies, inspired by Willy Wonka… a HUGE underground success. MTV covered it. MTV turned me into an international sneaker celebrity.
HR: If you were trapped in an elevator with Phil Knight, what would you say to him?
AC: I’m trying to organize a special meeting with Phil Knight. We will talk sneakers over some good Japanese tea.
HR: Do you know any sweet shoe trivia?
AC: Michael Jordan rocked Converse. The first Air Jordan was banned by the NBA. Michael Jordan wore them anyway, amassing fines—up to $5,000 a game.
When his nation’s land was was threatened by foreign devils, Ahn Sang-Gyu did what any sensible patriot would do: he covered himself with bees.
The Japanese recently claimed a small chain of islands between Japan and South Korea, an area they’ve apparently fought over for years. In protest, Mr. Sang-Gyu – a bee farmer – covered himself with “about 187,453 bees,” the number of square meters on the islands. They weighed over 40 kilograms and stung him “constantly.”
I like to think that he made his point, whatever it was. If nothing else, at least he… umm… got stung by a fuckload of bees?
(video here, bbc article here)
You may have seen PetitionOnline.com before. It’s a site for people to post and sign – you guessed it – petitions online. It’s pretty much anonymous, and it’s open to whoever wants to contribute, so there’s tons of unbelievably retarded crap on there that isn’t worth looking at, but guess what? I took the time to weed out a few you might want to check out. I’m just good like that. Some of my favorites:
Petition for a new Oasis Website
358 signatures
“Oasis has a loyal, hard-core fanbase that has been supportive of the band
through the years, either when they were on top of the world, or when they
were on the verge of a break-up. Therefore, i think it’s fair to ask
Ignition management and Big Brother Records to put effort into the creation
of a website that serves the needs of one of the most loyal fanbases any
band could wish.”
Petition for a film based on the Nintendo game Mega Man
338 signatures
“We, the undersigned, sincerely wish for the video-game entertainment giant Capcom Co., LTD to set the framework for a film based on the “Mega Man” video game series, first launched in 1987. In addition to this request, we would also appreciate if the executives at Capcom would collaborate with the creators of the famed “Mega Man Fan-Trailer” (a mock movie project available at http://www.planet-megaman.com/mmmovie/), in order to bring a fan’s viewpoint into the creation of this film.”
Petition for Equal Rights for Juggalos
1,317 signatures
“this petition is for the fight of juggalo equality [sic]. we are called juggalos we live all across the world but in the united states we are currently facing our biggest hardship of them all [sic]. we are being treated like a cult or a gang. we are very religious group. yes we may listen to music that talks of murder axes drugs and sex but that’s all that is music [sic]. there was a underlying message from the founding group of this all the Insane Clown Posse [sic].”
So I’m doing a google image search for “quicksand” – we’ve all been there, haven’t we? – when I stumble across this picture:
Obviously, I had to check it out. You know – for the blog. Yeah.
CarStuckGirls.com describes itself as the premiere place on the web to see “sexy young girls who got stuck hopeless with their car, jeep, suv or van in mud, snow, sand, clay or wet gras [sic]. See Pedal Pumping with sweet muddy feet, barefoot or with boots, pantyhose, pumps, high-heels, riding boots, sneakers or buffalos. Our cute girls try to rock, push and tow the car out of the mud. So when you like spinning tires and love to see a girl who stuck in the mud [sic] or maybe a muddy catfight – Then you are right here [sic?], because we are the experts for carstuck and Pedal Pumping videos!”
So what can I say that they haven’t already? Let’s see – ooh, I’ve got it!
This is completely fucking deranged.
On May 6, Perry, Georgia will host the 12th annual Georgia Lineman’s Rodeo. Events include the “Hurt Man’s Rescue,” “Transformer Change,” and the always-popular “Conductor Tie-In & Arrester Installation.” A 23 month-old baby released his first CD, “Go Baby!” Ralphe Armstrong, who played bass on the CD, described the baby as the “reincarnation of drummers like Buddy Rich or Tony Williams… It frightens me he is so good.” The fastest man in the world drinks Nutrilite, and the American College of Radiology announced that Tom Cruise is in no way qualified to perform an ultrasound. Old Navy has announced a nationwide search for a new “spokesdog,” and Cocktails By Jenn, maker of ready-to-drink flavored vodka martini mixes, has announced that “girls’ night is alive and kicking.”
Because knowledge is a weapon, folks. Use it wisely.
(previous PR Roundup here)