In light of a recent post about stuff that doesn’t seem that dangerous anymore, it seems sensible to cover the other side of the coin. After all, what good does it do anyone to know about what isn’t dangerous when there’s still plenty of other shit ready to lay eggs in your brain, gnaw off your leg, or otherwise lay waste to what used to be that meatsack you call your body? This isn’t a post – this is a warning.
TEETH
Make no mistake about it – teeth are everywhere and they love being used. Whether they’re tearing or grinding doesn’t matter – teeth are harder than your flesh and they will fucking destroy you. Some of them are really sharp and some of them are really pointy and some things actually have more than one row of them (ever heard of a shark?), but don’t sweat the deets. You have bigger fish to fry, like figuring out how the fuck you’re gonna avoid all the trillions of killer teeth out there. Good luck, deadzo.
BACTERIOPHAGES
You’re telling me this thing is seriously some kind of living creature? It looks like a weird futuristic bug that’s impervious to the elements (and sulfuric acid) and can live for like fifty thousand years underground with no food or water. Which is actually kind of what it is, right? They’re so tiny there’s probably like 500 of them floating around in your frame of vision right now and there’s nothing you can do about it. Put your shirt over your mouth and nose – there’s probably 5,000 more in your shirt. We’re all going to die and there’s nothing we can do about it because the fucking things are too small. Great.
MISSING THE PARTY
Tonight is gonna be different. Tonight is gonna be one for the history books. It’s not gonna be like all the other parties. This is gonna be the one to remember. Matty’s bringing his sound system (it’s huge!), we’ve got 8 kegs of Heineken, and finals are finally fucking over. Tonight is gonna be the defining moment of my college years – best years of my life, or so they say – and you know what? If I miss it, I’ll die. I mean it. I’ll seriously physically fucking die.
SPINY
You thought you were pretty tough jumping on all those goombas back there, didn’t you? I’ve got some bad news for you, tiger – that shit ain’t gonna fly with ol’ Spiny here. See those spikes? Try jumping on those. I fucking dare you. No fireballs, eh? No star power? You better find a shell or something or you’re dead fucking meat. Not so tough now, are ya?
WHITE DUDES WITH DREADLOCKS
White dudes with dreadlocks aren’t inherently dangerous. The danger stems from the distinct possibility that they can make an otherwise sensible person so filled with rage that they’re momentarily capable of murder. Then the otherwise sensible person will regain their composure and turn themselves in, but the cops won’t do anything. Why would they? No judge is gonna convict anyone for killing a white dude with dreadlocks anyway. So then you’ve got a murderer walking around with newfound confidence and a whole cult of white dudes with dreadlocks showing solidarity and marching and then everyone gets pissed off and starts shooting and before you know it you’ve got a huge pile of bloody patchwork corduroy pants blocking traffic and the bus is delayed and how the fuck are you gonna get to get to work now? Know what I mean?
CANNIBALISTIC HUMANOID UNDERGROUND DWELLERS
These would be super dangerous if they existed. I wouldn’t worry about it too much, though. The sewer systems are harsh and unhospitable, but we’ll probably be alright CHUDwise.
KOMODO DRAGONS
I’d like to slap this kid’s parents. They probably thought this was a really cute costume. Of course they did – they took pictures of him with his cute widdle mittens on, and they thought to themselves, “Well, well! Aren’t we clever? We’re not the kind of parents who go down to Target and buy our kid the same Spiderman costume that all the other kids are wearing this year! Our little Tommy is gonna be a komodo dragon!” Did they cover those mittens with bacteria that kills anyone who comes into contact with it? Probably not. Way to disrespect both the majesty of a fearsome beast and the memory of the millions killed by komodo dragons every single day. And all that for some stupid fucking Halloween costume.
DEATH
In a perfect world, you skipped all the crap above this and started reading right here. This is the whole potato.
Death is by far the most dangerous thing there is. To make matters even worse, most things cause it. So guess what? Pretty much everything you do pushes you a little bit closer to the most dangerous thing in the entire world. Even when you’re not doing shit, you’re still edging toward it. Bummer. But think about it this way: when you’re about to shuffle off this mortal coil you can think back on your life and remember all the wonderful things that filled your life with meaning, all the memories that made life worth living. The time you almost went to Europe. The promotional fast food sandwiches you managed to eat, even though they were only offered for a limited time. Your heart will swell with joy. Tears will well up in your eyes, and your grandchildren will walk alongside your gurney as you’re wheeled down a hallway under the fluorescent lighting that will ultimately be the last thing you see. They’ll be young, your grandchildren, and they’ll ask you questions. They barely had a chance to get to know you. They’ll ask you, “What did you do with your life?” and you’ll stare up at them lovingly and smile wistfully.
“Well,” you’ll say, “I read a lot of blogs, I guess.”
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