PATIENT NAME: Stewart Maleson
SYMPTOMS: Coughing, sneezing, some sort of clear liquid leaking out of the two little holes in the middle of patient’s face.
DIAGNOSIS: Curse from neighbor
PRESCRIPTION: Stuff mouth with dirt, leaves, and shredded newspapers. Cover mouth with duct tape. Sacrifice goat and/or drown neighbors to lift curse.

PATIENT NAME: Renee (no last name)
SYMPTOMS: Red stuff coming out of every square inch of her entire body.
DIAGNOSIS: Monster
PRESCRIPTION: Strip patient, wrap in Bounty “Super Duty” shop towels, crush head with large rock.

PATIENT NAME: Stanley Dix
SYMPTOMS: Throbbing pain, pressure in thing on top of neck.
DIAGNOSIS: Demons inside
PRESCRIPTION: Bore hole in thing on top of neck, suspend upside-down, treat with smoke from burning cedar. Pack with dirt.

PATIENT NAME: Bernie Lomax
SYMPTOMS: Completely unresponsive, stiffness in limbs.
DIAGNOSIS: Death
PRESCRIPTION: A pair of sunglasses and a summer of wacky hijinks with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.

PATIENT NAME: Cecilia Barlow
SYMPTOMS: Pains in middle area of body, hot chunky liquid shooting out of main hole in face.
DIAGNOSIS: Don’t know
PRESCRIPTION: Poke with stick, take notes. Congrats – you just started modern medicine.

This video is kind of funny, but watching people argue in the comments over whether or not it was actually made in 1923 is priceless.

I think you missed the point, guy. The whole “Calvin Pissing” thing kind of loses its luster when Calvin is just… well… hmm. How can I put this? He’s supposed to be pissing on something. That’s the deal. You can’t just throw a Pissing Calvin on your minivan and expect people to think you’re a badass. Even if you throw two of them on there on either side of your Toyota symbol it’s not gonna do anything. Are you leaving it open-ended until you figure out what you hate? Do you hate your Toyota and the Calvin is supposed to be pissing on its logo? If so, what’s the other one doing there? Is he just backing dude up? You haven’t thought this through at all, have you? You saw other people with stickers on their cars and you were like “Hmm – I guess I should put some stickers on my car, too. Well congrats – you now have stickers on your car and they don’t make any sense. And yet still, somehow, your nonsensical Calvin Pissing stickers rule. How about that?

Jo tried a different approach:

Results inconclusive.

Ever wonder what it might sound like if a cop ate a shitload of really potent pot brownies, got so stoned he became convinced that he and his wife were both dying, then called 911 for an ambulance? Wonder no more!

More info available here, although I have no idea what more information you could possibly need on this one.

(via mefi)

Kill babies.

I started working on this flash cartoon a really long time ago and never finished it. Maybe that’s because it ran like 50 times longer than it should have and wasn’t really going anywhere. I found it last night buried in my old HD and decided to slap on a “The End” and put it up. So here it is. Click the picture to start it. Within a few minutes you’ll be a little bit stupider than you are now.

Other flash stuff here and here.

The Insane Clown Posse played a big concert in my neighborhood over the weekend. As a result, there were Juggalos everywhere. Juggalos are a lot like you and I, except they listen to the shittiest music on the planet and they paint their faces like they’re evil clowns and their parents are siblings. A lot of people are probably scared of Juggalos, and with good reason, too! Juggalos look scary! Don’t be fooled, though. When you look at a Juggalo, just remember: Underneath the face paint, oversized hockey jerseys & shorts, tiny braids, and sticky Faygo residue is a human being just like you or I.

These two met sophomore year at Shoney’s. She was waiting tables there and he was throwing a brick through the window. She helped him make bail and the two have been inseparable ever since. It was the girl (a “Juggalette” and not a “Juggaho”) that got down with the clown first. She was all “just come with me to one show,” but he told her he thought it was kind of weird. In all honesty, he was actually scared of the whole Juggalo scene. Raised as a devout Catholic, dude knew that evil clowns and Faygo were NOT a part of the path to righteousness, but then again, neither was breaking windows at the local Shoney’s. He gave it a shot – now he’s hooked, and he isn’t afraid to let you know it. While they identify with ICP culture, they use blue face paint to express their individuality. She prefers Violent J – he prefers Shaggy 2 Dope. The original odd couple.

This guy is looking for a good time and knows exactly where to find it. Got down with the clown through his cool uncle, who also got him down with SoCo, chaw, and an old stack of Barely Legal magazines (dude’s tight). Could take or leave the face paint in all honesty, but digs the oversized shorts and lyrics about fucking. Isn’t sure what he wants to do with his life, but knows he could never take a job that doesn’t understand that he’ll always be a Juggalo first and an employee second. One time at school a jock called him a faggot and he jumped up and started reciting the lyrics from “Chicken Huntin’.” After the jock punched him in the jaw he realized they used to be best friends in grade school. In his head, the incident symbolized his full immersion into Juggalo culture. Drives a sweet truck but ejaculates prematurely. Likes Taco Bell but hates vegetables. His old man is alright but his mom is a total bitch. Considers himself a “pretty good fighter” and has a carefully-concealed Pearl Jam CD in his collection. Prefers Shaggy 2 Dope.

These guys are tough as fucking nails. The one on the right has a really big truck with some bumper stickers that are so nastay I’m not even comfortable describing them. These are some nastay bumper stickers. Truly profane, and you know what? These two wouldn’t have it any other way. They love swearin’, muddin’, and gettin’ all hyper on the Faygo and going nutz. Both raised by single parents. Both have experimented with alcohol, marijuana, glue, and just being into regular shitty music instead of spectacularly shitty music. The one on the right envies the one on the left’s makeup-applying abilities. The one on the left stole his dad’s girlfriend’s cosmetics case to learn how. They have never shared a homoerotic experience, but they have both imagined what it would be like. When the one on the left pictures it, they are both 20 pounds lighter. Both prefer Violent J.

These three are a mixed bag. The one on the right doesn’t even like ICP – he’s just in it for the Faygo and the Juggahos. The one in the middle could take or leave the music but is really into the mythology. The one in the back actually prefers the opening band, Twiztid. So why, you ask, are they hanging out together? Where’s the common thread that binds them? Easy – they all love getting hyper on soda and scammin’ on the trashiest Juggahos they can find. Sometimes they stay up late smoking nutmeg and talking about how cool it is that they’re friends even though they’re so different from one another. One time in LaFayette they found a dead squirrel in some bushes next to the gas station. The one in the front picked it up and was going to throw it at this one dude, but the dude got in his truck and drove off before he had a chance to throw it, so he just put it back in the bushes, went into the gas station, and bought some Nerds and some Pop Rocks and some soda. Then they put the Nerds and the Pop Rocks in the soda and chugged the sodas with the Nerds and the Pop Rocks in them and got ALL HYPERRRRRRR!!!

Kenneth Eng (aka “God of the Universe”) is at it again! It goes without saying that the guy is a total moron, but this interview is kind of awesome.

(Thanks, Justin!)

(previously)