PATIENT NAME: Stewart Maleson
SYMPTOMS: Coughing, sneezing, some sort of clear liquid leaking out of the two little holes in the middle of patient’s face.
DIAGNOSIS: Curse from neighbor
PRESCRIPTION: Stuff mouth with dirt, leaves, and shredded newspapers. Cover mouth with duct tape. Sacrifice goat and/or drown neighbors to lift curse.

PATIENT NAME: Renee (no last name)
SYMPTOMS: Red stuff coming out of every square inch of her entire body.
DIAGNOSIS: Monster
PRESCRIPTION: Strip patient, wrap in Bounty “Super Duty” shop towels, crush head with large rock.

PATIENT NAME: Stanley Dix
SYMPTOMS: Throbbing pain, pressure in thing on top of neck.
DIAGNOSIS: Demons inside
PRESCRIPTION: Bore hole in thing on top of neck, suspend upside-down, treat with smoke from burning cedar. Pack with dirt.

PATIENT NAME: Bernie Lomax
SYMPTOMS: Completely unresponsive, stiffness in limbs.
DIAGNOSIS: Death
PRESCRIPTION: A pair of sunglasses and a summer of wacky hijinks with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.

PATIENT NAME: Cecilia Barlow
SYMPTOMS: Pains in middle area of body, hot chunky liquid shooting out of main hole in face.
DIAGNOSIS: Don’t know
PRESCRIPTION: Poke with stick, take notes. Congrats – you just started modern medicine.