Meet the Fuccon family. They’re just like any other TV family, except for one fairly significant detail: they’re mannequins.

According to the website, “Oh! Mikey” is “the story of a three-mannequin American family who has moved to Japan.” They’ve released a DVD set with English subtitles, which I need more than anything on Earth right now. You know why? Because this show is one of the most mind-bendingly bizarre awesome things I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Seriously. When are American TV producers going to wake up and realize that making people eat bugs and ox testicles isn’t really that cool anymore? I’ll tell you when – as soon as they see this show. Someone was gracious enough to throw a nice 35 minute chunk of it online. Check it out – so unbelievably awesome your brain is going to explode and then the chunks will melt and you won’t even care because at least you’ll be watching “Oh! Mikey!”

link (via TV in Japan)

Sure, the light’s green, but that’s not gonna stop you, is it? No way. Not you. You’re a badass, right? Sure you are. You’ve crossed this street dozens of times both inside the crosswalk and out. You know the traffic patterns, know that the light a block down turns green just a few seconds after this one does. Blind people develop supersonic hearing or extra-sensitive noses; You’ve crossed this street so many times you’ve become finely attuned to its traffic. So screw it – jaywalk. You know that gap is big enough to make it across. Do it. See that guy on the other side? The one looking at the gap, then looking at you? His eyes are darting back and forth. He’s nervous. Maybe he had a bad jaywalking experience once and decided to play by the rules, follow the signals like a good little boy. Maybe he sees an echo of his former self in your wild eyes. He’s frozen at the corner until the light changes. He’s a cheetah in captivity and you’re running wild and free. You’re totally crossing against the light. You get to the other corner as the Walk signal comes on, just as he steps gingerly into the street. He looks at you and thinks, “Wow. What a badass.” And he’s right. Jaywalking rules.

I’m kind of a sucker for new (and/or limited edition) fast food items. When Burger King introduced Chicken Fries, I was all over them. When the McRib came back for its final curtain call, I was there to throw it flowers. Most recently, when Arby’s unveiled its new “Natural Chicken” marketing campaign, promising, in what may be the least encouraging guarantee of all time, that their chicken will from now on come from 100% real chickens, I kept an open mind. Okay, fine. They were inadvertently admitting that their chicken was at some point not actually chicken. Who cares? That was the past. It’s time to move on. I’m not one for holding grudges, so I was first in line, first to pay, and first to sink my teeth into some “100% real” Arby’s chicken.

And now here we are – the latest heavyweight addition to the Merchandise Mart food court. Of course it’s not made of actual prime rib. You think I don’t know that? Who cares?! It may not be prime rib, but it IS covered in onions and mozzarella and some weird kind of dressing stuff. And hey, you know what? That’s good enough for me. Sold. Quizno’s Prime Rib Sub rules. Get over it.

(This entry, though well suited as a viral advertisement for Quizno’s new Prime Rib Sub, was in no way, shape, or form paid for by Quiznos LLC. But it should be. To that end, please go here and fill out the form to let them know what a good job I’m doing of promoting their new product. Feel free to post your letter in the comment section here. Or, hell – just call their President and CEO, Richard Schaden, at 720.359.3300 and let him know personally.)

I’m not sure what it is about novelties that I think is so awesome. Maybe it’s the fact that there is a whole industry dedicated to making fake versions of things we’d rather avoid in their real forms, but are willing to pay for when they’re plastic or rubber. Do people in other countries buy fake barf? What would people in third world countries make of it? How would you explain it to them? “Yeah, I COULD feed an entire family in your country for three dollars a month, but I could also buy fake barf. Yeah – fake barf! You’ve never seen it? Oh, man. You put it down on the table at, like, a party or a bowling alley or whatever, and when people see it – get this – when people see it, oh man! They think it’s real, actual barf! Yeah – barf! You know, like when your body rejects the food… you… eat. Nevermind.” Whatever. They say laughter is the best medicine, so maybe we should be shipping fake barf and poop and penis-shaped ice cube trays over to Iraq. It’s cheaper than real medicine and, let’s face it, medicine doesn’t liven up a party now does it? I guess what I’m trying to say is that novelties rule.

* There are two sections in the print version of my zine (What, you don’t own it already? Buy them all here) entitled “Things That Suck” and Things That Rule,” and I’ll be bringing them into the 21st century here from now on on a marginally regular basis. Big deal.