Pretty much everything.

It’s easy to get sick of your lunch options, particularly when you work in the suburbs and have to drive to get anywhere. I generally eat at the same handful of places week after week, none of which sell pizza. I haven’t managed to find a decent slice of cheap pizza near my work. They’re a breeze to find in the city, but apparently there’s something about suburban sprawl that is inconducive to selling pizza in any unit smaller than “by the pie.” “By the slice” is out there, sure, but they’re hard to find and mostly disappointing. This is my plight. Pity me.

So when I drove past some place called Goode & Fresh Pizza Bakery with a sign in the window that said “slices” or “by the slice” or “we have slices!” or something like that, I was pretty excited. “Goode” and fresh? That’s my kind of slice! I walked in and was happy to find an old lady in there, picking up an order. A good sign – she’s probably lived here a long time, I thought to myself. This woman has seen a lot of pizzas in her time. She knows a good pie when she sees one. This is good. No, wait – this is “Goode.” And fresh. Things were looking up.

The man behind the counter looked enthusiastic when he asked me “What’ll it be?” I asked him what kind of slices they had – he looked at me like I was an idiot. “We make it all fresh here,” he said. “Any kind of slice you want.” Okay, wait a minute. You’re telling me you guys cook individual pizza slices here? That rather than preparing a few pies with standard toppings (generally one plain cheese, one sausage, and one pepperoni) and keeping them under heat lamps, you guys will prepare individual pizza slices with any toppings I want? Why didn’t I know about this place before?! This is fantastic!

“Oh, wow!” I said. “Well… uhh… can I have a slice with… umm… pepperoni and mushrooms?”

“Pepperoni and mushrooms, comin’ right up!” he said. “That’ll be about five minutes.”

Wait a second.

Five minutes? Five minutes to make a slice of pizza? How “goode” or “fresh” can a slice of pizza that takes five minutes to prepare possibly be? And hey… now that I think about it… why is there an “e” on the end of the word “good” in their name?

Five minutes later, Mr. Goode comes out with a triangular pile of half-melted cheese on a Boboli and a huge smile on his face. I pay for it and eat it. Guess what? Goode & Fresh Pizza Bakery sucks.

Dudes have two options when Aunt Flow comes to visit their babes: put up or shut up. That’s been enough, those two choices, since the dawn of man. You either roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty or say “yucky” and wait a few days. That’s how it is. That’s how it’s always been. Or, if you ask some freak named Abdul A. Al-Saleh from Saudi Arabia, that’s how it’s been for FAR TOO LONG. Al-Saleh thinks two choices is bullshit. Al-Saleh wants to have his cake and eat it too. Al-Saleh is probably a very strange guy to those who know him personally.

I don’t think I have to tell you what U.S. Patent #5,620,429 is. I think the picture speaks for itself, at least conceptually, although the actual physicality of how such a contraption might work completely eludes me. The abstract explains a bit:

The round bag has an opening and rings, windings and protrusions, as well as a suitable cream…. The fixing extension is placed between the rumps and may be coated by an adhesive material.

Oh, I get it now. The fixing extension goes between the rumps. Where in this patent does it explain who in their right fucking mind would ever consider banging this thing? Did he think about that at all? Maybe that’s why the patent was filed ten years ago and, bafflingly enough, you still can’t find Al-Saleh’s magnificent contraption at Walgreens or CVS. Maybe two choices was enough all along! We’ll put up or shut up, but we won’t fuck bags. Sorry, Al-Saleh. U.S. Patent #5,620,429 sucks.

PROP

Miss America’s Crown

WHY IT’S FUNNY

Tara Elizabeth Conner, Miss USA 2006, was involved in a scandal where she was caught drinking underage and using cocaine. Carrot Top, assuming that the audience is aware of this scandal, implies that the Miss America crown should be made out of alcoholic beverages and, hence, makes a joke of a topical nature.

PROP

Viagra Putter

WHY IT’S FUNNY

Viagra (Sildenafil Citrate) is a drug used to treat male erectile dysfunction. Carrot Top has created a golf club with a large indentation in its shaft to accommodate the erections that the drug causes. While Viagra jokes may be dated, erection jokes are timeless, although why someone would take Viagra while playing a round of golf remains unknown.

PROP

Barry Bonds’ Baseball Bat

WHY IT’S FUNNY

Barry Bonds is trying to achieve the all-time home run record, but has also been accused of using performance-enhancing drugs. By putting these two aspects of Bonds’ career together in the form of a baseball bat filled with steroids, Carrot Top has created a joke.

PROP

Willy Nelson’s Tour Bus

WHY IT’S FUNNY

On September 18, 2006, a Louisiana police search of his tour bus uncovered 1.5 pounds of marijuana and 0.2 pounds of psychedelic mushrooms. Carrot Top’s model of Nelson’s bus produces copious amounts of smoke that trail out of the back of the bus, which reminds people of the incident in a comical fashion.

PROP

A Hat That Allows You To Watch Nascar When Your Cable Goes Out

WHY IT’S FUNNY

Nascar is regarded by many as a dull and repetitious sport. With this in mind, Carrot Top has created a hat that features toy cars spinning around the wearer’s head. It is implied that this could recreate the experience of watching a Nascar race – a funny notion to say the least.

PROP

A Hat & Beard That Will Make You Look Like A Terrorist So That You Can Get A Seat To Yourself On An Airplane.

WHY IT’S FUNNY

After terrorists hijacked two planes and crashed them into the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001, people have been very nervous about flying on airplanes. Particularly so around Arab people. This hat & beard will make you look like an Arab, so people will not want to sit near you on the plane for fear that you will martyr yourself and kill them in the process. As an added bonus, the beard conceals a medicine cabinet for some reason.

The Movie: Skyscraper
The Star: Anna Nicole Smith
The Outtakes: Awesome

11:44 pm

The idea that Anna Nicole Smith could ever pilot a helicopter is completely fucking preposterous.

11:46 pm

I wonder who the hottest female helicopter pilot of all time was in real life?

11:47 pm

Apparently Anna Nicole was an Associate Producer on this movie. Is that why it exists?

11:50 pm

Is there a “D” list? Are these “D” list actors? When do they stop being “actors” on a “list” and start just being “dudes”? At any rate, there are a lot of explosions going on right now.

11:52 pm

Why are uzis always the “bad guy” guns? Just once I’d like to see a movie where the good guys get the uzis.

11:53 pm

So far the action sequences in this movie have been disappointingly good.

11:55 pm

Eagle to nest! Eagle to nest! We have bare Anna Nicole tits! Over!

11:56 pm

Eagle to nest! Eagle to nest! We have really awkward simulated sex! Over!

12:01 am

Basic plot so far: Anna Nicole is a helicopter pilot, and her cop boyfriend doesn’t want to have a baby. Also, there are all these other guys with bazookas and uzis who are killing each other and blowing up each others’ cars over a briefcase full of something important. Also, Anna Nicole Smith has ridiculously huge tits.

12:07 am

I’m pretty sure most of the actors in this movie have also been in pornos.

12:11 am

Someone add this to the “Memorable Quotes” section of Skyscraper’s IMDB page: “I’m gonna shove your teeth so far down your skinny little throat you’ll be shitting molars for a month!”

12:15 am

Two people have already fallen off of buildings. Maybe that’s why they called it Skyscraper.

12:17 am

Yet another quote for the IMDB page: “Don’t move, or I’ll put a bullet up your ass so far you’ll be pissing out your nose!”

12:24 am

Do terrorists always wear leather pants?

12:35 am

This movie sucks.

12:40 am

Eagle to nest! Eagle to nest! We have Anna Nicole tits! Over!

12:41 am

Eagle to nest! Eagle to nest! We have really awkward simulated sex! Over!

12:56 am

This movie did NOT need a Shakespeare-quoting villain. It was already plenty smart.

12:59 am

When in doubt, throw in some more bazookas.

1:14 am

Despite all the snarky comments, I’ve gotta hand it to the people who made this film – it’s definitely about an hour and a half long and it totally has lines of dialogue.

1:18 am

Those credits mean I get to go to bed now, right?

Bike: The “HyperBike” (by Body Rite Ltd)

Origins: The geniuses at Body Rite Ltd. woke up one morning and realized that people don’t look nearly retarded enough while riding bikes.

Message That Riding It Sends To The World: “Am I completely bat-shit insane or an engineering grad student? You decide.”

Why It’s Stupid: Similarities to a fictional vehicle from South Park aside, the HyperBike looks like it was designed by someone who traveled to the future, discovered the future is gay, then came and decided to do everything they could to hasten its arrival.

Bike: The Sideways Bike

Origins: Some guy decided he was sick of having his body facing the direction he was traveling while riding his bike.

Message That Riding It Sends To The World: “Hey, look at me! I’m riding a weird bike!”

Why It’s Stupid: If you have to ask, you’ll never know.

Bike: The Bus Of Eindhoven

Origins: If you can do something, you definitely should. And if that something involves building a 32-bike “bus” on a truck chassis for the express purpose of lugging some engineering students to a brewery and back, so be it. Get to work.

Message That Riding It Sends To The World: “I am in Europe.”

Why It’s Stupid: This is so retarded it’s actually kind of cool.

Bike: The Rowingbike

Origins: Unlike on a traditional bicycle, the Rowingbike uses every muscle in your body – even your Lookingus Likeoid A Douchbagialis Maximus.

Message That Riding It Sends To The World: “I look like an asshole, but I’m going to live for 500 years.”

Why It’s Stupid: Because sure, you’re getting the ultimate exercise and strengthening every part of your body and everything, but what’s the point? To extend your lifespan so everyone can continue to laugh at you riding that stupid little bike of yours?

Bike: The Conference Bike

Origins: Sometimes office morale is down. And when office morale is down, you can bet your behind that office productivity is down, too.

Message That Riding It Sends To The World: “I am participating in a team-building exercise.”

Why It’s Stupid: It’s not stupid at all! The ability to work together to achieve a common goal is unbelievably important in an office environment, and team-building exercises on a corporate retreat can be a fantastic way to practice! Remember: the office that plays together stays together! You do want your office to stay together, don’t you?!

Bike: Choppers

Origins: Fuck your fascist joke formats – there ain’t no origins for choppers, man. They grew out of the muck, out of the trash as, like, a response to the runoff, the byproducts of the urbanized lifestyle we’re forced to live every single day.

Message That Riding It Sends To The World: “I reject conventions.”

Why It’s Stupid: Because the same kids who make them also make tall bikes, which are more or less an insult to Darwinian evolution.

When you bought that yellow car you’ve got there, what exactly was going through your head? What was the message you were hoping that driving around in a bright yellow car would convey? Was it a desperate cry for attention, a way of shouting to the world “look at me – I have acquired an automobile!” Maybe it was your way of emulating the peacock’s feathers, a colorful display to attract a mate. You figured “yeah, red is pimp and all, but yellow is brighter!” You thought that the brighter the car, the more likely it would be that a female would have her eye unwittingly attracted to it, wherein she would notice that you, having an automobile, might be a good candidate for sexual intercourse. You weren’t thinking to yourself “I want to drive around in something that looks like a giant sports walkman,” or “I should pick the most obnoxious color possible – my fellow commuters will enjoy that,” were you? Maybe you were thinking “cars say a lot about the person who drives them, so I will pick this bright yellow one.” Fair enough, but check it out: burly mountain men drive pickup trucks because they’re into dirt roads and using words like “torque.” Soccer moms drive SUVs because they have enough room in them for the kids AND the groceries (huzzah!). Dudes like you drive yellow cars because you are total fucking asshat douchebags. Blech! Yellow cars suck!

A band from Israel called Teapacks has been getting a lot of press in the last few days over their controversial submission to the Eurovision 2007 song contest entitled “Push The Button.” The song addresses the potential threat of nuclear annihilation at the hands of an unnamed enemy of the Israeli state. Teapacks will be representing Israel at the international competition in May,

That’s the story you’ll get from any major media outlet, but they all seem to be leaving out a fairly important detail: the song totally fucking sucks (edit: and here’s a video… you know, for maximum suckage). Why can’t they be more like these guys?

You might remember 69 Boyz from such hits as “Let Me Ride That Donkey,” “Tootsie Roll,” and, to a lesser extent, “Kitty Kitty.” They had names like Barry “Fast” Wright” and Rottweiler Mike Mike. They had b-sides with names like “U Need Dick N Your Life,” “Heiny Heiny” and “Woof Woof.” They managed to put out a handful of albums and singles over the years (including a “greatest hits” cd) – if you’re just starting to get into 69 Boyz, you’re probably a little bit nervous. It’s understandable – with so much potential bass in yo face and so much booty in yo pants (too much, really), the obvious first question is “where to begin?” Luckily there are plenty of amazon.com user reviews to point you in the right direction.

Album: 199Quad

Review Title: The Godfathers of quad thumping music

Reviewer: Marlena Martin (Killeen, TX)

Rating: 5/5

“I’ve always loved the 69 Boyz, they had some of the hottest music and dopest beats. I can’t name one person who wasn’t doing the tootsie roll. If you want to hear good music, please got the first album. It is so heart pumping that you can’t help but dance to it. I’ll be glad when they come back and reclaim their fame. To this day people are still grooving along to the 69 Boyz in their cars with the same enthusiasm.”

Review Title: Tootsie Roll!!!!!

Reviewer: Trisha And Chris Norton (North Dakota)

Rating: 5/5

“We love this CD so much we were listening to Tootsie Roll (our use to be favorite on this album) :o) while we were driving down dirt roads and when the 69 boyz sang to the Left to the Left, to the right to the right, that is exactly which way we we ended up rolling our vehicle over and over to the right :o) Everyone was okay but our new favorite on the CD is KITTY KITTY.”

Album: The Wait Is Over

Review Title: Hot Bass

Reviewer: J. Patterson (Milwaukee, WI)

Rating: 3.5/5

“I origally got this cd for the song woof woof and I saw them in concert and they tore it up. They took their music to a different level on this one and have many different styles on this cd.some some dont song like bass music at all. Im not a big bass fan music but they still have some good song on here. I like #5,10,23(ft. jt money), 26 is one that I love. Too bad bass music went out and they faded away. Check this cd out.”

Album: 2069

Review Title: 69 Boyz are Slammin!

Reviewer: “A music fan”

Rating: 5/5

“i bought this cd the very day it came out! i really like this cd. this cd is a very good dance and party cd, with very good beats! i dont have alot to say about it, but the hit single “how we roll” is HOT! i would recamend this cd to anybody!”

Review Title: 69 Boyz are Slammin!

Reviewer: simpyboy (Albany, NY)

Rating: 5/5

“this joint is hott. the beat is good for any party the lyrics and the bass make this a great cd. the 69 boyz are representing the dirty south j-ville and orlando! i would think about this cd before any other.”

Album: Greatest Hits*

Review Title: bangin tight cd

Reviewer: “A music fan”

Rating: 5/5

“bangin tight cd to get jiggy with it and down and dancing to the music too.”

* I would just like to point out that this album was released on September 11, 2001. Coincidence?

(special thanks to jo for pointing out that 69 Boyz exist)

Earlier today I opened up a YouTube video called “In My Language” – a fascinating look at autism and how we define language. Then a friend of mine sent me a link to a music video called “Why Must I Cry” – a fascinating look at how some really shitty rapper sings in the shower. I opened it while the other one was playing in another window and hey, guess what? They go together really well! Accidental Mash-Ups rule! Hit play on both of them below and find out for yourself!

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