So it’s Ash Wednesday. That very special day for those very special people who smear ashes all over their foreheads and walk around like it’s no big deal. In honor of those people, I thought it would be good to take some time out of my busy schedule to think about what I might hypothetically give up for Lent if my people hadn’t, you know, killed Jesus.

1. Thinking too much about locking doors and turning off the gas on the stove.

2. Slapping my cat. This is not a dirty joke. I mean actual physical abuse to my actual pet.

3. Beer, whiskey & ginger ale, & vodka tonics. I just think it would be interesting to find out what would replace them as my regular booze drinks.

4. Meat. Potted meat.

5. Movies with any redeeming value.

6. The internet. Seriously.

7. Using mirrors.

8. Focusing.

9. Facial expressions.

10. Making noises with my mouth (the little explosion ones like “psssshhheeeeeewww”).

11. All the booger stuff.

12. Devo.

13. Umm… corn?

Who am I kidding? I don’t give stuff up. Enjoy your Lent, suckers. I’ll be watching pornos and drinking cocktails on Transgression Island.

Or maybe just sitting at my desk thinking about it.

Here's a list of things I've done in the past four days:

– Walked through central park.

– Ate a cheeseburger at the Seinfeld diner.

– Went to the bathroom at Columbia University.

– Ate soup dumplings. – Peed on the roof of a warehouse in Brooklyn.

– Walked about a thousand miles in Manhattan and saw like a gazillion famous places where you can buy souvenirs.

– Saw CBGB's. Shrugged.

– Saw the firehouse from Ghostbusters. Was like "whoa."

– Played a shitload of video games at a weird little arcade in Chinatown.

– Bought dead mexican jumping beans for a dollar.

– Got wasted.

– Saw a black guy dressed up like the Statue of Liberty almost beat the shit out of a bunch of gangbangers on BMX bikes.

– Took a "stress test" at the Church of Scientology.

– Laughed at the Church of Scientology people.

– A bunch of other stuff.

Five days to go. Seriously – This city kinda rules.

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– Copywriter for website (rolling meadows)

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– Assistant Editor

– Freelance Research and Writing (Chicago)

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– magazine layout (west town)

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