So it’s Ash Wednesday. That very special day for those very special people who smear ashes all over their foreheads and walk around like it’s no big deal. In honor of those people, I thought it would be good to take some time out of my busy schedule to think about what I might hypothetically give up for Lent if my people hadn’t, you know, killed Jesus.

1. Thinking too much about locking doors and turning off the gas on the stove.

2. Slapping my cat. This is not a dirty joke. I mean actual physical abuse to my actual pet.

3. Beer, whiskey & ginger ale, & vodka tonics. I just think it would be interesting to find out what would replace them as my regular booze drinks.

4. Meat. Potted meat.

5. Movies with any redeeming value.

6. The internet. Seriously.

7. Using mirrors.

8. Focusing.

9. Facial expressions.

10. Making noises with my mouth (the little explosion ones like “psssshhheeeeeewww”).

11. All the booger stuff.

12. Devo.

13. Umm… corn?

Who am I kidding? I don’t give stuff up. Enjoy your Lent, suckers. I’ll be watching pornos and drinking cocktails on Transgression Island.

Or maybe just sitting at my desk thinking about it.