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How I Would Attempt To Cure Infectious Diseases If The Entire History Of Medicine Were Somehow Forgotten And People Started Asking Me To Treat Their Maladies For Some Reason.
Thursday May 24th 2007, 1:41 pm
Filed under: jokes,stupidity

PATIENT NAME: Stewart Maleson
SYMPTOMS: Coughing, sneezing, some sort of clear liquid leaking out of the two little holes in the middle of patient’s face.
DIAGNOSIS: Curse from neighbor
PRESCRIPTION: Stuff mouth with dirt, leaves, and shredded newspapers. Cover mouth with duct tape. Sacrifice goat and/or drown neighbors to lift curse.

PATIENT NAME: Renee (no last name)
SYMPTOMS: Red stuff coming out of every square inch of her entire body.
DIAGNOSIS: Monster
PRESCRIPTION: Strip patient, wrap in Bounty “Super Duty” shop towels, crush head with large rock.

PATIENT NAME: Stanley Dix
SYMPTOMS: Throbbing pain, pressure in thing on top of neck.
DIAGNOSIS: Demons inside
PRESCRIPTION: Bore hole in thing on top of neck, suspend upside-down, treat with smoke from burning cedar. Pack with dirt.

PATIENT NAME: Bernie Lomax
SYMPTOMS: Completely unresponsive, stiffness in limbs.
DIAGNOSIS: Death
PRESCRIPTION: A pair of sunglasses and a summer of wacky hijinks with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.

PATIENT NAME: Cecilia Barlow
SYMPTOMS: Pains in middle area of body, hot chunky liquid shooting out of main hole in face.
DIAGNOSIS: Don’t know
PRESCRIPTION: Poke with stick, take notes. Congrats – you just started modern medicine.


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