Anonymous on FOX11
beware the internet hate machine.

“Chocolate Rain” Original Song by Tay Zonday
i smell a meme.

What Are you Gonna Do To The Monster?
i’m sorry, but that’s fucking adorable.

Re: Daxflame interviews LisaNova!
this might be a really awesome joke, but i have a feeling that it’s not.

The Fonz And The Honk!
thanks, fonz.

Rap Cat
this is dumb but i still like it.

Zach Galifianakis
heh.

Filipino Prisoners Perform “Thriller”
if you somehow missed this one, catch it now.

Ostrich Skiing – Unbelievably
better than the video: people arguing in the comments over whether or not it’s real.

Louis CK Airline Safety Video
heh.

Slime in the Ice Machine
i don’t know what to say about this.

Jessica The Hippo
i’m pretty sure that’s a terrible idea.

Ghostride The Whip Movie Trailer
is there really 90 minutes worth of shit to say about ghostriding the whip?

Was the absolutely staggering increase in advertising before movies incremental, or did they just lay it all down at once? I don’t go to the movies all that often, but it seems like every time I do the amount of bullshit they play before the movie gets a little longer and a lot more annoying. I don’t think they used to play commercials for fabric softener and life insurance before movies, did they? I remember there always being trailers, but didn’t all the trailers used to be for… umm… movies? You know – because you were at a movie theater? Now they’re hawking TV shows, products and services, and they’re not even doing it in a widescreen format. They just leave black bars on either side of the screen. How long before they start using those bars to play other, smaller ads? Maybe I should write them a letter and suggest it. As it stands, it’s kind of a waste.

We went to go see The Simpsons Movie last night (which was okay), and we were advised to line up a good half hour before the movie started. What that meant was that we ended up enduring a full hour of dumbed-down movie trivia (one of the answers was actually “The Simpsons Movie” – wrap your head around that one) and advertising. After a half hour of trivia and celebrity quotes and Coke ads, we were actually relieved when the lights dimmed and – gasp – they started playing actual advertisements. You know – ones with pictures that actually move. Geena Davis told us that if we bought refreshments something charitable would happen (can’t remember what), Tide is fucking awesome, and a bunch of TV shows I will never watch will be airing in September. Then finally, after a mind-numbling 15 minutes or so, we finally got to the main course: trailers for other movies. Here’s a quick rundown.

Alvin & The Chipmunks

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In 1958, Ross Bagdasarian (who also recorded the hit song “The Witch Doctor”) figured out that speeding up an audio track of a person singing sounds funny. The discovery won him two Grammy Awards, a long-running cartoon spinoff, and the distinguished position of Most Annoying Man Of The 20th Century. 50 years later, it looks like children are just as stupid and easy to please as they were back then. It also looks like Jason Lee’s career is over.

The Game Plan

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Did you miss The Pacifier because you thought it looked like the most retarded thing ever, or because you were just waiting for someone to make the same movie with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson instead of Vin Diesel? Let me explain to you why it’s funny: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is very manly, and parenting (especially a daughter) is for chicks. Also noteworthy: “The Rock” is starting to use his actual birth name in conjunction with his wrestling name. Did somebody say “serious acting aspirations”?

Stardust

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A meteor crashes into the Earth but it turns out that it’s an angel and there’s magic and witches and shit like that. Oh, and Robert De Niro is a space pirate. It’s like they force-fed a French guy some ecstasy, threw him in front of a word processor and said “just type whatever sounds cool to you right now.”

Fred Claus

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This one looks like it’s going to fall into the “naughty Christmas movie” genre established by movies like “Bad Santa,” “Badder Santa,” and “Badder Santa: The Unrated Version” (in which Billy Bob Thornton murders every other character in the movie with an axe while swearing a lot (with hilarious results)), Fred Claus is about Santa Claus’s relationship with his brother (Vince Vaughn), who doesn’t wear a red suit, doesn’t have a beard, and does not deliver presents to children. Instead, the eponymous Fred Claus looks, talks, and acts exactly like Vince Vaughn. You know – like a dude. I’m not even gonna talk shit about this one, actually, because after enduring the crap listed above, this one actually seemed like it might be worth watching.

Good lord. Every single trailer I saw last night before The Simpsons Movie sucked.

There is absolutely nothing funny about two news helicopters crashing into each other while filming a police chase. Nope. Nothing funny about that at all. What kind of sick fuck are you, anyway?

Not funny. Tragic.

Yesterday I decided to do a good deed. My friend Craig (hi Craig!) had surgery on his leg last week, and he was feeling a little stir crazy, what with the whole not leaving his house for days at a time thing, so I drove down to Lower West Side of Chicago with some friends so we could take him out to eat. Nice, right? What do I get in return?

I almost get decapitated by a truck.

We’re driving along when all of the sudden we get detoured because of some stupid carnival. So we end up getting detoured around the thing, getting waved through intersections by homeless guys in orange vests who are making $5 an hour but acting like they’re cops. Yeah, thanks for waving me through, guy. You might want to turn around, though – you’re waving me directly into another homeless guy in an orange vest. Yeah, see him? He’s the one who’s telling me to stop. Yeah, great dude. Thanks for giving me permission to cross the empty intersection.

Anyway, so we’re turning down all these side streets trying to get around the carnival, when all of the sudden there’s a truck turning in front of me. It looked a little like this.

So we’re stuck at the intersection with absolutely nowhere to go and this truck is turning in front of us, slowly inching closer and closer to my car. The bottom of the trailer is just about at the right level to rip the top of my car off and crush all of our skulls. What is the appropriate response to that? What would rational thought tell you to do in that situation? Honk your horn, right? That’s precisely what horns are for – to alert other drivers. Perfect solution, right? Just lay on the horn to let the truck driver know that he’s about to decapitate me and my friends!

Sounds good in theory, but what actually happened was a little different. Rather than laying on my horn to stop awful things from transpiring, I opted instead to keep my foot firmly planted on the brakes and slap my window over and over again while repeating the words “please stop please stop please stop please stop!”

All of my friends laughed at me, but you know what? That was the best I could do under those circumstances. And you know what else? I don’t think that’s half bad. Whatever – apparently it worked.

The chinese food was really good, by the way, but the almost getting decapitated by a truck? That kinda sucked.

“WTF!?: The 8 Strangest Communities on the Web” is up on Cracked.com today. Some of you may have seen this already, but you ain’t never seen it lookin’ so purty.

I have a new article up on Cracked.com today. Go read it.

(article link)

I guess I can add a 7th entry to my March entry “Six Stupid Bikes.” Ladies & gentlemen, I give you the Office Chair Bike.

Comes complete with helmet, rear-view mirror, and a letter addressed to your mother explaining why you still aren’t married yet.

(via geekologie)

There’s always been a place in my heart for Weekly World News. When it came to those less-reported stories, there just wasn’t anywhere else to turn. Who broke Bat Boy? When space aliens met with Clinton, who had the gall to report on it? Forget the hip and would-be “radical” rags you find in the anarchist bookstores. For the real scoop, you needed to look no farther than your local grocery checkout line.

But now those days are over. Gone are the days of Bat Boy, Elvis sightings and the world’s fattest baby. When Osama Bin Laden is found – in one of George Bush’s myriad secret homosexual love dens – who is going to report it? Who is going to publish Ed Anger‘s latest screeds? NYT? WaPo? I think not, my friends. The Weekly World News is over, and you know what? That really sucks.

Well… kinda. I guess I haven’t actually bought one in like six years.

Video game developers: take notes on Rose & Camellia. Your industry needs to realize that you don’t need fancy graphics or a huge development budget to make a great game. You don’t need fantastical creatures with highly detailed 3D models and textures, or realistically rendered explosions, or even an immersive storyline to make a great game. You don’t need rocket launchers or magical powers or addictive multiplayer modes. Apparently, all you really need to make a great game is have two chicks slapping the living crap out of each other. I had no idea.

(via geekologie)

Direct Source Inc has a warehouse chock-full of random crap, and guess what? They want to sell it to you! Do you need a Portable Cap Closet? Maybe a pair of Potato Peeling Gloves? Two different outfits for your dog? Good news: Direct Source Inc has it all, plus more! Be sure to click the pictures for the full views. For example:

Brain asploded.

(via adamriff)