Shows That Would Exist If I Had My Own Television Network.
TITLE: Celebrity Smelting
FORMAT: Reality
TIME: 30 minutes
SYNOPSIS: Every week, a different celebrity is locked inside of a foundry and given 24 hours to figure out all applicable production processes for manufacturing screws and bolts. If they fail, the celebrity must plunge their hands into a vat of molten steel.
BUDGET: 40 billion dollars.
TITLE: Supermarket Sweeps Extreme
FORMAT: Gameshow
TIME: 30 minutes
SYNOPSIS: Supermarket Sweep… with weapons.
BUDGET: A gazillion dollars.
TITLE: Maritime Fantasy
FORMAT: Drama
TIME: 1 hour
SYNOPSIS: A wizard, a respectable black man, and a cartoon dragon DJ fight crime. They also live together on a boat for some reason.
BUDGET: 700 trillion dollars.
TITLE: Shark Out Of Water
FORMAT: Sitcom
TIME: As long as it takes.
SYNOPSIS: Through a long and complicated series of events, a shark becomes an astronaut.
BUDGET: Whole lotta skrilla.
Things That Are Still Seriously Dangerous.
In light of a recent post about stuff that doesn’t seem that dangerous anymore, it seems sensible to cover the other side of the coin. After all, what good does it do anyone to know about what isn’t dangerous when there’s still plenty of other shit ready to lay eggs in your brain, gnaw off your leg, or otherwise lay waste to what used to be that meatsack you call your body? This isn’t a post – this is a warning.
TEETH
Make no mistake about it – teeth are everywhere and they love being used. Whether they’re tearing or grinding doesn’t matter – teeth are harder than your flesh and they will fucking destroy you. Some of them are really sharp and some of them are really pointy and some things actually have more than one row of them (ever heard of a shark?), but don’t sweat the deets. You have bigger fish to fry, like figuring out how the fuck you’re gonna avoid all the trillions of killer teeth out there. Good luck, deadzo.
BACTERIOPHAGES
You’re telling me this thing is seriously some kind of living creature? It looks like a weird futuristic bug that’s impervious to the elements (and sulfuric acid) and can live for like fifty thousand years underground with no food or water. Which is actually kind of what it is, right? They’re so tiny there’s probably like 500 of them floating around in your frame of vision right now and there’s nothing you can do about it. Put your shirt over your mouth and nose – there’s probably 5,000 more in your shirt. We’re all going to die and there’s nothing we can do about it because the fucking things are too small. Great.
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The Case Against Walmart.
I saw a book the other day by a guy who has beef with the ‘Mart. Then today I got bored.
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Three Things That Don’t Seem That Dangerous Anymore.
KILLER BEES
Oh my god! The killer bees are coming! Time to head for Canada cuz, you know, they’re pissed off even by bee standards and they’re going to kill us with ruthless hive-like efficiency. They’re like tiny cyborg death machines. They will sting you in unison, thousands per second, until you look like a giant, throbbing-red sac of jiggling pus. As soon as they get here (which is going to be really soon), we’re all dead… right?
Wrong. The killer bees aren’t coming and even if they were they’re not that bad. Weren’t they supposed to be as far north as Texas ten years ago? I’m pretty sure people are still alive in Texas. And why haven’t they made it any further? There are only two possible reasons: either they’re too lazy to get off their asses, or they don’t exist. Either choice leads to one conclusion: killer bees = not so bad. Shut up.
STRANGERS
I’ve talked to plenty of strangers for plenty of reasons. I’ve asked for everything from directions to spare change. When I was underage I asked homeless dudes to buy me beer. Since I’ve been legal, I’ve asked people in line at the McDonalds drive-thru to order food for me since they won’t take your order if you’re not in a car. One time a guy told me to get in his car and order it myself. I did, and then I sat in the parking lot with him and ate my cheeseburger. Did I get raped? Beaten? Kidnapped? Murdered? I don’t think so. The details are hazy, to be honest, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t. Through this encounter I can only conclude that strangers are not dangerous in any way, shape, or form. None of them. Close your eyes and think of your best friend. What were they to you before you met them? Exactly. Shut up.
COBRAS
What are you, fucking nuts? Cobras are super fucking dangerous. They have huge fangs and a weird little cape-looking thing and they only exist to shoot poison all over your face and make you dead. Fangs are sort of like needles when you really think about it, so these fuckers have NEEDLES FOR TEETH. Scared yet? You should be. A lot of people hate you. Cobras are just like them, except they have a mouth full of poison and they don’t give a fuck. Run!
PR Roundup!
Researchers at the Pacific Institute for Research & Evaluation announced today that fans of hip hop and rap music are more likely to have problems with drugs, alcohol, and violence than fans of other kinds of music. The Weinstein Company announced that “Scary Movie 4” grossed over $41 million this past weekend, making it the highest grossing Easter weekend opening of all time. Leonardo DiCaprio will be dedicating a grove of trees to honor his mother and grandmother this Mother’s Day. You can too for the low price of $100 through TreePeople’s Gift Of Life Tree Dedication Program. Taco Bell has discovered a fourth meal between dinner and breakfast. A leading provider of free premium online content has announced a partnership with Wrecked Exotics, a website that hosts “the internet’s largest collection of exotic car crash photos.” Johnnie Walker has announced that they will donate $100 to Recording Artists, Actors, and Athletes Against Drunk Driving (RADD) every time the Yankees draw a walk at Yankee Stadium throughout the 2006 season. Through a study conducted by International Communications Research, Slim-Fast has announced that 56% of all Americans would like to lose weight to look better this summer. The survey’s findings were released at the same time as the announcement of Silm-fast’s “Time 4 The Beach” getaway sweepstakes. “The wordplay on the number “4” in the name comes from the newly reformulated Slim-Fast shake, designed to control hunger for up to four hours,” the release says. And the frontmen of two midget KISS cover bands, MiniKISS and Tiny KISS, are battling for the rights to the act. “Little” Tim Loomis of Tiny KISS says his band is totally different than Joey Fatale’s MiniKISS. “It’s not even the same… mine is three little people and one fat chick, and he’s just four little people,” he said.
Death At Disneyland.
Boingboing posted today about a second death within a year’s on Epcot Center’s Mission Space ride. Bummer. People die at Disney World more than you might think, though. John Marr collected a bunch of incidents for the “Death At Disneyland” issue of his fantastic zine Murder Can Be Fun. Check it out here.
Sell Your Life.
Cayetano Ferrer is selling everything he owns on eBay “packaged in a large crate crafted from high quality poplar wood” as part of his BFA thesis at the School of the Art Institute Chicago. With 43 bids so far, the auction (which ends tomorrow) is up to $10,600, but the reserve hasn’t been met yet.
The auction’s reserve is the total amount of money he owes on his student loans.
(link)
Happy Passover: Have A Black Jesus.
The long wait is over, people.
Warning/Nu-Lite Entertainment has announced the release of their new film, Color Of The Cross. The film will depict the final 48 hours of the life of Jesus Christ.
Oh – and Jesus is black.
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re worried about all the controversy this is going to cause, right? Maybe a bit concerned about race relations? Don’t worry, little buddy – the film’s director and star, Jean Claude Lamarre, knows exactly what he’s doing.
“To watch a black man on screen, being referred to as rabbi, or to see him partaking in a Seder meal and observing Passover really blurs the lines that divide blacks and Jews in this country. We are part of the same history,” he said in a press release issued today.
Check out the trailer here.
Tips On Crashing A Party Like James Bond.
This awesome thread on Ask Metafilter serves to both answer the nagging question we’ve all grappled with at one time or another (how can I best crash a fancy party in the style of James Bond?) and to remind me why I love the internet.
