I don’t know about you guys, but I’m equally into EMO and HIP HOP (HIP-HOP), so when I read in the WIKIPEDIA entry for KELLY CLARKSON that the AMERICAN IDOL star would be releasing some FREE MP3s, I didn’t even give a shit. Seriously – who cares about FREE DOWNLOADS if it’s some shitty music that isn’t even EMO or HIP HOP (HIP-HOP)? Offer me all the FREE FILE DOWNLOADS in the world, but unless they’re PICS OF BRITNEY SPEARS NAKED, a VIDEO OF NAKED BRITNEY SPEARS, NAKED PICTURES BRITNEY SPEARS FUCKING, the PARIS HILTON VIDEO, or the PAMELA ANDERSON VIDEO (you know: the one with PAMELA AND TOMMY (you know: PAMELA ANDERSON AND TOMMY LEE) ON THEIR HONEYMOON PAMELA TOMMY FUCKING HONEYMOON VIDEO), I’m not interested. A FREE KELLY CLARKSON MP3? C’mon. I wouldn’t put that on my IPOD even if my BRAND NEW COLOR IPOD was a FREE BRAND NEW COLOR IPOD.

Forget about BRITNEY NAKED and PARIS FUCKING and FREE KELLY CLARKSON MP3s for your IPOD anyway. Between the WAR IN IRAQ, the latest HURRICANE disaster, and what’s going on in ISRAEL, IRAN, SYRIA, PALESTINE, and NORTH KOREA we really have bigger things to worry about, you know? Why are we spending so much time worrying about BRAD PITT, ANGELINA JOLIE, OPRAH, JOHNNY DEPP, EMINEM, 50 CENT, SHAKIRA, and MICHAEL JACKSON with all the problems in the world? GEORGE BUSH IS STUPID. GEORGE BUSH IS AN IDIOT. He lied about the WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION as an excuse to INVADE IRAQ, and now look where it got us? GEORGE W BUSH IS A STUPID IDIOT! GEORGE W BUSH SUCKS!

GEORGE BUSH RULES GEORGE W BUSH RULES GEORGE BUSH IS AWESOME GEORGE W BUSH IS AWESOME.

What I’m trying to say is this: We need to spend a little less time time watching THE SIMPSONS and SOUTH PARK (and LOST, and PRISON BREAK and SMALLVILLE and GREY’S ANATOMY and FAMILY GUY and DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES and HOUSE and NIP/TUCK and AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL), DOWNLOADING RINGTONES (even if they’re FREE RINGTONES AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD), playing ONLINE POKER to win FREE MONEY, and compulsively refreshing our MYSPACE profiles, even if they’re TOTALLY PIMPED-OUT (the same goes for FACEBOOK and FRIENDSTER profiles, too). We need to spend less time thinking about NO INTEREST LOANS, LOW MORTGAGE RATES, and CREDIT CARDS WITH 0% APR. TOTALLY FREE MONEY? There’s no such thing, my friend.

FREE CIALIS? That’s another story.

Click here for details.

That title might be a little misleading, to be honest. More accurately, the world’s first gay car was “outed,” not “discovered.” Oh, and scientists didn’t do it. It was David Hasselhoff.

That’s right, folks. You guessed it: KITT was gay.

This shouldn’t come as a surprise to true Knight Rider fans. The signs were there all along, as early as Episode 108: A Crafty Plan. C’mon – remember this?!

What do you mean, “no”? Did you even watch Knight Rider? Whatever.

Oh, and this just in: The Batmobile and the General Lee are fucking. Tell all your friends.

Can’t Buy Me Gloves – “Strange” Larry Milatovic

Ain’t Nothin’ But An “F” Thang (I Flunked Physics 101, Baby) – “Abnormal” Frank Dmitrovic

With Or Without Shoes – “Unusual” Arthur Milinkovic

Total Eclipse of Descartes (Sir Isaac Newton) – “Oddball” Steve Gligorijevic

Bruising My Trained Pigeons – “Deck Of 51” Dave Stoianovic

(I Can’t Solve No) Compound Fractions – “Queer” Louis Petranovic

I Will Always Love Glue – “Peculiar” Pete Danielovic

No Woman, No Dye (Your Hair Blonde… You Look Great As a Brunette… No, Really, You Do…) – “Bizarre” Gerald Boljkovac

Paperback Reader – “Irregular” Ivan Milinkovic

We Didn’t Slash Your Tires – “Out Of The Ordinary” Morris Krstulovic

Livin’ La Vida Boca (Burgers) – “Screwy” Hank Randjeiovic

This site is a total disaster when viewed with Safari.  How long has that been going on?  I have no idea why it’s like that, nor do I have any idea how to fix it.  I’d recommend using firefox for now.  You know – like a normal person.

Admit it: you think ceramics are for pussies. When you think of ceramics, you think of that scene from Ghost with the pottery wheel. Then you think of Pottery Barn because it also has the word “pottery” in its name. Then you realize that the bulk of your knowledge of the world of ceramics is informed by romantic/supernatural thrillers from the 1980s and stores that you’ve seen around, and you think to yourself “I really don’t know very much about ceramics.”

But then a dude named Charles Krafft comes along and makes a bunch of guns & grenades, a rabbit with a knife in its back, and some dinnerware commemorating modern disasters. Then you think to yourself “Hey… maybe ceramics is kinda cool sometimes.” You enroll in a night pottery class at your local community college. Then you find out that dude makes commemorative china out of human cremains, and you’re like “oh shit” and all this blood sprays out of your nostrils. Oops! Brain asploded!

What’s always behind an able man? A Radio Flyer full of empty whiskey bottles? A trail of blood? Maybe it’s just a sturdy wall for him to lean against. This fortune cookie raised more questions than it answered, really. Anyone have any ideas?

P.S. Worst. Chinese lesson. Ever.

A dozen people? Left waiting at the post office?! What is the world coming to?

No, seriously. I want to know. Tell me.

Duuuuuuuuuuuude… they want us to, like, fall in line, you know? They want us to brush our teeth and comb our hair and fall in line, man, be good little boys and girls and grow up and work 9 to 5 and then go home and watch our TVs until we fall asleep, man. They want to keep us brainwashed so we pay our taxes and don’t stir up too much trouble. Then we can breed and make more little boys and girls who can grow up to pay their taxes and the whole thing goes, like, around and around, you know? 2.5 kids and a white picket fence, man. Pot roast on Saturday and church on Sunday, man. That might work for some people, but not for me, man. You can have your bourgeois mediocrity, your gated community and your SUV. You’re living with blinders on, man. You’re already fucking dead, man, but not me. Know why?

Because I listen to Nine Inch fucking Nails.

You know what’s funny about being 15 and being a fucking moron? You didn’t know shit about shit, and yet you were still somehow totally spot on about the suburbs. I started a new job in the suburbs this week, and realized that even now, a decade later, the suburbs make me an angsty little butthole. Instead of being pissed off about having a curfew, I’m pissed off about battling rush hour traffic. Instead of sneering at teachers, I sneer at soccer moms who treat the Starbucks baristas like cat shit. The 15 year old in you might not know much, but you know what? After paying 9 bucks for a shitty bagel sandwich and eating it in my car in a strip mall parking lot, I think he was right all along.

The suburbs fucking suck. Anarchy, bro.

Screw you guys.  I’m on vacation.

The second one is a TV pirating incident from 1987.

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In case you didn’t figure it out from the last post, I’m in New York (You know – with all the Chineemen). I’ll be here for another week and a half, and although I may post an occasional update or two, things will probably be pretty dead around here for the most part.
Suck it. I’m on vacation.

If you’re really hard up for new stuff to read, hey! I’ve got an idea! Head over to Quimby’s and buy my new zine! It’s got a lot of stuff you’ve already read on here, plus a few other things! The best part? Instead of reading it for free, you have to pay two bucks!

Do it now! Right now!