Click image for full story, and here for a picture of Jimmy Carter totally flipping out on a boat. (comic via xkcd)

Back in September I posted a video of a TV pirating incident from 1987. It features a Max Headroom impostor talking gibberish for a while, pulling out his ass, and getting spanked with a fly swatter. If I had to use just one word to describe it, that’s a no brainer: “awesome.”

No, wait: “shred.”

There was no context for the video, no explanation whatsoever. Go figure – it’s a clip of a local broadcast from two decades ago where some dude pulls out his ass. Can you really expect much background information for that? Could there really be that much more to say about it?

Of course there is. This is the internet, remember?

Click the picture of Max Headroom for the full history of a fairly minor pirating incident from twenty years ago, courtesy of Damn Interesting.

This “phenomenon” is getting pretty big media coverage right now thanks to a couple of kids in California, but ghost ridin’ the whip ain’t nothin new. What’s the matter? You scared? Don’t even sweat it – my man Mistah FAB‘ll give you specific instructions on how to do it. E-40 can help you out, too. Or hey, here’s an idea: just look around on youtube and watch hundreds of idiots almost (or actually) kill themselves.

Now that the “movement” is getting all attention from the media, maybe it’s time to take it to the next level. Some suggestions:

– Jump out of moving car, hop up on hood, cut own head off. (Ghostcapitate The Whip)

– Jump out of moving car, drink poison, die. (Ghostsippin’ On Some Cyzzanide)

– Jump out of moving car, shoot innocent bystanders until police come and shoot you. (Ghostkill A Bunch Of People)

– Jump out of moving car, run across double yellow line, dance in oncoming traffic until you get hit by a car. (Ghostgetyourselfkilledlikeafuckingmoron)

– Drink GHB, jump out of moving car, hop up on hood, put on blindfold, juggle chainsaws. (Ghostdo The Most Awesome Thing Ever)

– Be white, jump out of moving car, get totally terrified and decide to co-opt a more relaxed subset of black culture – possibly reggae, or that “intelligent” hip hop where they don’t call women “bitches.” (Ghostcry Like A Widdle Baby)

Jingle Cats
you know – for christmas.

Dog Police
i think i’m the only person in the entire world who likes this.

Focus – Hocus Pocus
they don’t make ’em like this anymore…

Matt & Kim – Yea Yeah
cuz matt & kim rule.

Cock & Ball Torture – Aphrodisianus
this isn’t really that good. whatever.

Young @ Heart – Sonic Youth’s “Schizophrenia”
this will make your brain asplode.

Fight Scene From John Carpenter’s They Live
my new favorite fight scene from my new favorite movie.

Cripple Fight – South Park
an homage to my new favorite fight scene from my new favorite movie.

Anshe Chung Gets Wanged In Second Life
some context here and here and here. i totally did this like a year ago. sort of.

SNL Digital Short – Dick In A Box
heh. dick in a box.

When I heard this morning that Saparmurat Niyazov had died of a heart attack, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Dead?” I thought to myself, “Saparmurat? Could this really be happening? And if so, who is he? I’ve never heard of him before.”

Saparmurat always thought of Turkmenistan as one of his own children. Maybe as his only child – I’m not really sure if he had children. I think I remember something about that from the BBC, but I’m not sure about the exact details. He thought of Turkmenistan as a child, one way or another, and a child needs to be nurtured, and nurture he did from the very first day of his Presidency (which was a day some time within the last hundred years) to the day he died (which was yesterday, I think). The country will never be the same. Or maybe it will be. I’m not totally sure what’s going to happen over there, or where “over there” is, exactly. I think it’s pretty close to Russia.

The BBC report said that Saparmurat once banned hospitals. That was the kind of guy he was – always joking around, or attempting to ensure painful and drawn-out disease and death for his subjects. There was another thing they mentioned that he once banned, but I forget what it was. Their police force, maybe? Food? I can’t remember, exactly. Whatever it was, it was CLASSIC Saparmurat. You should really google it and try to figure it out. It will provide you with a deeper understanding of who Saparmurat Niyazov really was, just like the deep understanding I momentarily possessed while listening to a radio report about his death earlier this morning.

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Google Patents is my new best friend. There are over 7 million patents to sift through, and as far as I can tell at least 5 million of them are completely ridiculous. Here’s a handful of my favorites so far.

I love the internet.

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PATENT NAME: Flatulence Deodorizer

PATENT NUMBER: 6313371

WHAT IS CLAIMED: “A pad to be worn by a user for absorbing gas due to flatulence.”

MARKETABILITY: Pretty high, apparently.

WHY IT RULES: Because Figure 1 is one of the most amazing fucking pictures I have ever seen in my entire life.

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PATENT NAME: Villain Execution Toy

PATENT NUMBER: D483080

WHAT IS CLAIMED: “The ornamental design for a villain execution toy, as shown.”

MARKETABILITY: Probably fairly high when the patent was filed back in 2003. Less so now, considering the target demographic for a “Villain Execution Toy” probably forgot all about Osama Bin Laden by the end of the first episode of “Deal or No Deal.”

WHY IT RULES: Other than the fact that they call it a “toy,” it’s completely ambiguous what this “toy” actually does. The inventor’s million dollar idea was a toy that somehow involves Osama Bin Laden in an electric chair. Fuck it – patent that shit! Also, the file contains a reference to Patent #D135280 – “Design For A Pin Cushion” by Charles P. Englebarflt back in 1942. Ol’ Chucky E. beat this clown to the punch by 60 years.

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PATENT NAME: Monkey Herpes B Virus Genes

PATENT NUMBER: 5767265

WHAT IT CLAIMS: “1. A substantially pure form of a DNA sequence of heroes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:4:), said DNA coding for a gB glycoprotein comprising (SEQ ID NO:6:) and a polypeptide comprising (SEQ ID NO:5:).

2. A gB glycoprotein of herpes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:6:).

3. A recombinant DNA molecule comprising:

a) a substantially pure DNA sequence of herpes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:4:); and
b) a vector for introducing the DNA sequence into a host cell.”

MARKETABILITY: Depends on the price.

WHY IT RULES: Because when your college-educated, 1984-reading ass heard that corporations were starting to patent DNA you were picturing hordes of identical humans with barcodes on the backs of their necks. You never once thought to yourself, “Hey, wait – what about monkey herpes?”

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The BBC actually expects me to believe the following sentence:

“The world’s tallest man has saved two dolphins by using his long arms to reach into their stomachs and pull out dangerous plastic shards.”

Where did this happen? On the moon? How did the plastic shards get into the dolphins? Was it a ghost from the future? After all this happened, did he fly away on a unicorn?

Shame on you, BBC.

(note: It also says that “Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun was called in after the dolphins swallowed plastic used around their pool at an aquarium in Fushun, north-east China. Attempts to use instruments failed as the dolphins contracted their stomachs. Guinness World Records list Mr Bao, 54, as the world’s tallest living man at 2.36m (7ft 8.95in).” So wait – you’re telling me that the aquarium realized that these dolphins swallowed some plastic and tried to get the pieces out, and when they realized that they couldn’t do it they were like “I guess we better call in Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun – the world’s tallest living man”? That was their solution? What?! Was he already at the aquarium and they saw his head sticking out above the crowd and they were like “Hey, let’s call him in” or did they have him on speed dial in case something like this came up or what? There are a lot of unanswered questions here.)

(note #3: Hey – look what else they say in this article! “The heads of the dolphins were held back and towels wrapped around their teeth so Mr Bao could not be bitten. He then extended his 1.06m-long arm into the mammals’ stomachs.” Do they have annual awards for “Best Single Sentence In An International News Story”, and if not, can they start now?)

Mostly because our new robot overlords will have no idea how to walk up and down them.

– ASIMO eats shit

– ASIMO eats shit again

(via geekologie)

(p.s. why are all these robots playing trumpets? is that last one wearing a kimono? japanese people are weird.)

As you may have heard, the Hard Rock restaurant, hotel, and casino chain has been acquired by the Seminole Tribe for $965 million. As such, the company’s operations stand to change dramatically over the next few months. Here’s a small sampling of what’s to come, according to a trusted and reliable Seminole insider. Seriously.

PAY

– Employees will now be paid in blankets and liquor.

– Full-time employees will have the opportunity to trade all of their earned blankets and liquor within any two-week pay period for ownership of Manhattan Island, which can then be sold back to Hard Rock management for $24.

– Chief Planted Bush want raise.

DRESS CODE

FASHION DO: Tight pants, sleeveless shirts. “Rock n’ roll” attitude.

FASHION DON’T: Headdresses, hides. Anything “Indianish.”

FASHION DO: Korn t-shirt.

FASHION DON’T: “You Slaughtered My People And Robbed Us Of Our Land” t-shirt.

FASHION DO: Tattoos of skulls, roses.

FASHION DON’T: Tattoos of weird tribal birds, American Indians.

FASHION DO: Mohawk.

FASHION DON’T: Mohawk.

FOOD

New food items to be served at all Hard Rock Cafe locations include the following:

– Holy Moley Seminoley Guacamole

– Tomahawk Taco Tots

РAntiquated Way Of Life Jalape̱o Poppers

– Peace Piperific Pizza Tubes

– Trail Of Tears Spicy Buffalo Wings

CUSTOMER SERVICE

New customer service standards will be implemented beginning January 1, 2007. We like to call them the “CARE” Plan – just follow four simple rules:

C – CREATE a pleasant atmosphere for the customer!

A – AVOID bringing up the fact that the colonization of North America completely decimated an entire race of people!

R – REMEMBER to refill those drinks!

E – EMPHASIZE the gift shop!