Devin Flynn’s Y’all So Stupid
watch all of these and your face will melt.

Japanese Revolutionary Fascist Toyama Koichi
i would vote for him.

Chicken Noodle Soup
this week in dance crazes…

Tiger Attack
that would really suck.

Theo Jansen
previously. this guy is awesome.

Bloopers with balls
how much physical anguish can you cram into 35 seconds? exactly this much.

Robert Earl Hughes – World’s Heaviest Man
more info here. big ol’ guy.

Candy
this is disgusting.

Billy’s Balls
i love youtube.

Malibu (of American Gladiators) Talks About His Injury
good ol’ malibu.

Kill babies.

I started working on this flash cartoon a really long time ago and never finished it. Maybe that’s because it ran like 50 times longer than it should have and wasn’t really going anywhere. I found it last night buried in my old HD and decided to slap on a “The End” and put it up. So here it is. Click the picture to start it. Within a few minutes you’ll be a little bit stupider than you are now.

Other flash stuff here and here.

This Friday I’ll be reading with a bunch of those crazy zine kids at Quimby’s. If you’re not doing anything and you’re in Chicago you should come out and say hi.

Fish Fry Reading Series
Friday May 4th 7PM @ Quimby’s

with zine readings by:

Wesley Stokes (I Often Think of Them When It Snows)
Dave Fried (Black Carrot, Save Your Fork, There’s Pie!) Daniel Gleason (all them books he writes…)
Ross Wolinsky (Hypocritical Mass)
Matt Guack (Next Stop Adventure!)

The projects are terrifying. Seriously.

The Insane Clown Posse played a big concert in my neighborhood over the weekend. As a result, there were Juggalos everywhere. Juggalos are a lot like you and I, except they listen to the shittiest music on the planet and they paint their faces like they’re evil clowns and their parents are siblings. A lot of people are probably scared of Juggalos, and with good reason, too! Juggalos look scary! Don’t be fooled, though. When you look at a Juggalo, just remember: Underneath the face paint, oversized hockey jerseys & shorts, tiny braids, and sticky Faygo residue is a human being just like you or I.

These two met sophomore year at Shoney’s. She was waiting tables there and he was throwing a brick through the window. She helped him make bail and the two have been inseparable ever since. It was the girl (a “Juggalette” and not a “Juggaho”) that got down with the clown first. She was all “just come with me to one show,” but he told her he thought it was kind of weird. In all honesty, he was actually scared of the whole Juggalo scene. Raised as a devout Catholic, dude knew that evil clowns and Faygo were NOT a part of the path to righteousness, but then again, neither was breaking windows at the local Shoney’s. He gave it a shot – now he’s hooked, and he isn’t afraid to let you know it. While they identify with ICP culture, they use blue face paint to express their individuality. She prefers Violent J – he prefers Shaggy 2 Dope. The original odd couple.

This guy is looking for a good time and knows exactly where to find it. Got down with the clown through his cool uncle, who also got him down with SoCo, chaw, and an old stack of Barely Legal magazines (dude’s tight). Could take or leave the face paint in all honesty, but digs the oversized shorts and lyrics about fucking. Isn’t sure what he wants to do with his life, but knows he could never take a job that doesn’t understand that he’ll always be a Juggalo first and an employee second. One time at school a jock called him a faggot and he jumped up and started reciting the lyrics from “Chicken Huntin’.” After the jock punched him in the jaw he realized they used to be best friends in grade school. In his head, the incident symbolized his full immersion into Juggalo culture. Drives a sweet truck but ejaculates prematurely. Likes Taco Bell but hates vegetables. His old man is alright but his mom is a total bitch. Considers himself a “pretty good fighter” and has a carefully-concealed Pearl Jam CD in his collection. Prefers Shaggy 2 Dope.

These guys are tough as fucking nails. The one on the right has a really big truck with some bumper stickers that are so nastay I’m not even comfortable describing them. These are some nastay bumper stickers. Truly profane, and you know what? These two wouldn’t have it any other way. They love swearin’, muddin’, and gettin’ all hyper on the Faygo and going nutz. Both raised by single parents. Both have experimented with alcohol, marijuana, glue, and just being into regular shitty music instead of spectacularly shitty music. The one on the right envies the one on the left’s makeup-applying abilities. The one on the left stole his dad’s girlfriend’s cosmetics case to learn how. They have never shared a homoerotic experience, but they have both imagined what it would be like. When the one on the left pictures it, they are both 20 pounds lighter. Both prefer Violent J.

These three are a mixed bag. The one on the right doesn’t even like ICP – he’s just in it for the Faygo and the Juggahos. The one in the middle could take or leave the music but is really into the mythology. The one in the back actually prefers the opening band, Twiztid. So why, you ask, are they hanging out together? Where’s the common thread that binds them? Easy – they all love getting hyper on soda and scammin’ on the trashiest Juggahos they can find. Sometimes they stay up late smoking nutmeg and talking about how cool it is that they’re friends even though they’re so different from one another. One time in LaFayette they found a dead squirrel in some bushes next to the gas station. The one in the front picked it up and was going to throw it at this one dude, but the dude got in his truck and drove off before he had a chance to throw it, so he just put it back in the bushes, went into the gas station, and bought some Nerds and some Pop Rocks and some soda. Then they put the Nerds and the Pop Rocks in the soda and chugged the sodas with the Nerds and the Pop Rocks in them and got ALL HYPERRRRRRR!!!

Thakelt10 missed the point pretty spectacularly in his 1-star review of the Criterion Collection DVD release of Fishing With John. For the uninitiated, here’s the wikipedia entry for it. This clip of Tom Waits putting a fish down his pants pretty much sums it up, too. Here’s Amazon.com user Thakelt10’s brilliant advice on the subject:

Perhaps even more astounding are the 3 out of 9 people who found his review helpful.

The internet is chock full of gems like these. Everyone has a voice on the internet if they want one, and as such anyone can feel free to opine on almost astonishingly ridiculous crap (case in point here). Wanna know know the real deal about Brawny paper towels? No problem. Can’t decide if that 9 dollar plunger is the right one for you? Some guy named “Eduardo Nietzsche” from Houston has you covered. Trim the fat off of Amazon and you get Yelp.com, whose motto, “Real People. Real Reviews,” makes it fertile ground for unintentional hilarity. Take, for instance, this review of a gas station in Glenview, Illinois. Let me repeat that: it’s a review of a gas station.

User-generated content is great and all, but maybe we can draw the line at reviews of gas stations and plungers. I don’t need advice when it comes to gas stations and plungers. If I need gas, I’ll find a gas station. I don’t care if it’s not “one of the better gas stations in the area.” If I need a plunger, I’ll buy one. If I somehow manage to break it (which I’ve never done before), I’ll buy a new one. It’s a plunger. I understand that you have things to say about the products you purchase and the gas stations you feel passionate about, but enough is enough.

Shut up, internet.

See, this is what I love about the internet. You’re just sitting there, minding your own business, and then someone says “check this out.” Next thing you know you’re looking through a gallery of stereoscopic images of zeppelin crashes. Personal favorite here.

(via mefi)

Some friends and I were discussing hyphy the other day at a bbq. The discussion was mostly based around a simple question: What the hell is it? I think by the end of the conversation we had decided that a song becomes hyphy whenever the rapper says the word “hyphy,” except in Mims’ “This Is Why I’m Hot” where he mentions hyphy, but only to point out that he’s capable of performing in a “hyphy” style. Which is all to say that none of us have any idea what exactly hyphy is.

Luckily, some guy named Ken Tucker does!

According to Ken Tucker, a music critic for NPR’s Fresh Air, Hyphy is…

– “an abstract-expressionist version of hip hop.”

– “A kind of movie soundtrack for an urban party scene.”

– “airy absurdism.”

– “A party that doesn’t stop… with each guest trying to wear the biggest, loudest lampshade on his or her head.”

– “genially rambunctious.”

Thanks, Ken Tucker! Where were you when we were grillin’ out?!

(link)

With pirate attacks down by nearly a third, there’s never been a better time to sail in international waters with a huge sack of diamonds. This raises more questions than it answers, though. Here’s a breakdown:

QUESTIONS IT ANSWERS

1. Are pirate attacks up or down since last year?

QUESTIONS IT RAISES

1. Pirates? Really?!

2. That is so fucking cool. Did you seriously say pirates?!

3. Who are these people issuing reports with statistical data on real life pirates?

4. How can I work for them?

5. Pirates! (not really a question, but still.)