There was a time in the not-so-distant past when Chicago was the meat capital of the world. Those days are over, but there are still a few stragglers around if you know where to look for them.

Yesterday we were hanging out at a bar, minding our own business, when we noticed a guy in the corner wearing a butcher’s outfit with a huge package of sausages tucked under his arm. He went around the bar from table to table, asking if people wanted any meat. It sort of seemed like some kind of weird performance art for a minute, but we soon realized the guy was dead serious and had a refrigerated truck parked outside. Some drunk guy held a bag over his head and started chanting “20 DOLLARS OF MEAT!” Within a half hour we had 20 bucks out on the table, and a few minutes after that it was gone, replaced by – surprise, surprise – a huge bag of meat.

There was also a menu in the bag, which I’d like to share with you. Of the 48 products listed below, 20 contain references to buttholes. Also of note: “Hot And Creamy Sex Candles,” a Monica Lewinsky joke, and something called “GI Joe’s Candyass Salsa Whoopass Wimpy!” Oh – and a “Sausage Emergency Number.” Ya’ll ready for this?

Brain asploded.