Hot Tamales have issued their first ever “Report on What is Hot in America,” a veritable geyser of important statistics based on a random sampling of households in America. The study reads like a who’s who in Hollywood… from 1998:

Hottest Female Celebrity: Angelina Jolie

Hottest Male Celebrity: Brad Pitt

Hottest Musical Artist: Mariah Carey

Hottest Family: The fucking Osbournes.

Hottest Politician: Bill Clinton

America also, apparently, hates “stupid people,” “bad drivers,” and “bills.” On the other hand, America enjoys “friends and family,” “sports and exercise,” and “video games.”

If you love Hot Tamales brand candies as much as I do, you might want to know that it’s not only normal people like us that love the spicy cinnamon burst of Hot Tamales brand candies – celebrities love them too! Madonna, Lindsay Lohan, Lara Flynn Boyle… hell, Mariah Carey even calls her FANS “Hot Tamales!”

The survey was conducted by International Communications Research in January. According to the Press Release, “In order to participate, respondents were between 18-29 years of age.”

Wait a minute. So anyone between 18 and 29 in America can determine what’s “hot?” And it doesn’ even matter if the people surveyed regularly enjoy Hot Tamales brand candies? What then, I ask, does this have to do with Hot Tamales?

“The Just Born candy company is our client, and they contracted us to do the study for them,” said John DeWolf, a representative from International Communications Research. They do this, apparently, “to raise awareness of their brand and publish the data. It’s not your typical market research thing here,” he said.

So what, you ask, is the absolute hottest thing? What is the one thing above everything else that’s got all of America shitting themselves with excitement? Something even more exciting than, say, Hot Tamales FIRE – the newest addition to the Hot Tamales family? When asked what they’ve learned is the hottest thing in America, DeWolf doesn’t pull any punches. “Honestly,” he said, “we do so many studies here… We don’t have time to sit down and study the data… unless we’re contracted to do so.”