I realized the other day that despite having been an English major in college, I haven’t really been reading for pleasure very much lately unless you count snarky websites, glossy magazines, and comic books. I remember telling myself when I was still in school that graduating would be great because I’d have so much more time to read “whatever I want.” I’ve been meaning to get around to reading The Brothers Karamazov ever since, but cut me some slack – Guitar Hero 2 just came out. I’m totally gonna read some Russian classics as soon as I get 5 stars on Misirlou on Expert Mode.

So I was sitting around the other night, feeling guilty for letting my brain rot, when I got inspired and decided to scan through the contents of my bookshelf in search of some stimulation. I figured maybe I should read some books that I own but have never read. Sounds like a good enough plan, doesn’t it? Think about it: they’re sitting right there in my living room! All I have to do is open the cover and start absorbing! How easy!

Well, not quite. Here’s the problem: At some point in my life I bought these books with the intention of reading them. Maybe I started reading them but got bored in the middle. Maybe I only made it a few pages in and then decided I’d rather play Counterstrike or something. Maybe I never even opened the damn thing but thought it made me look smart sitting on my shelf. No matter what the reason was for not reading these books, there’s one underlying fact shared by every possible explanation: I was more excited to read these books when I bought them than I am now.

Which probably explains why as I scanned the shelves looking for something new and exciting, every unread book I came across made me kind of shudder a little. Here’s a handful of them in no particular order.

V – THOMAS PYNCHON

WHY I BOUGHT IT

I have no idea, honestly. I guess at the time I liked to think of myself as the kind of person who read fancy books.

HOW MUCH OF IT I ACTUALLY READ

Fifty pages, maybe. A hundred at the absolute most.

WHAT I REMEMBER

It jumped around a lot, I think. The chapters may have had weird titles, too, but I’m not sure. At one point all these sailors are in a bar and the barmaid puts some sort of foam-rubber boob over the beer tap, and then she pulls the tapper so the boob starts shooting out foam and they all take turns sucking the beer foam out of the boob’s nipple. This seemed like it might be meaningful somehow, but it kind of confused me. It also made me want to watch Frasier, and I fucking hate that show.

STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND – ROBERT HEINLEIN

WHY I BOUGHT IT

This girl who used to live in the apartment below mine recommended it to me. This same neighbor had a borderline-pornographic livejournal, so I figured I should probably read it.

HOW MUCH OF IT I ACTUALLY READ

30 pages, maybe?

WHAT I REMEMBER

Not a lot, to be honest. Isn’t it like there’s some human (the “stranger”) who ends up on an alien planet (the “strange land”)? Then the aliens (who speak English for some reason) try to understand the guy’s human customs and then maybe the human ends up corrupting their perfect alien society? You know… like “we never had a word for “war” until the “stranger” showed up!” Maybe that’s not it at all. I don’t know – I only read 30 pages of it.

JOURNEY TO THE ANTS – HOLLDOBLER & WILSON

WHY I BOUGHT IT

My girlfriend Jo bought this for me after I expressed some interest in learning about ants. At some point I decided I was gonna be really into ants. That was gonna be my “thing.”

HOW MUCH OF IT I ACTUALLY READ

A decent chunk, actually. Probably like 150 pages or so, but there were a lot of pictures in it. Pictures of ants.

WHAT I REMEMBER

Ants are seriously fucked up. They barf into each others’ mouths and eviscerate each other and do all kinds of other stuff that their tiny brains can’t understand are completely insane. Ants do lots of cool stuff, but I remember getting bummed out when the authors would make frequent comparisons between ants and wasps. Wasps are way cooler than ants (stingers, flying, looking all weird and futuristic), but I had already decided like a total dumbass that I was gonna be an “ant guy.”

LADY CHATTERLEY’S LOVER – D.H. LAWRENCE

WHY I BOUGHT IT

Isn’t it supposed to be really filthy?

HOW MUCH OF IT I ACTUALLY READ

The back cover.

WHAT I REMEMBER

Cinemax had a series back in the day called “Lady Chatterly’s Stories.” It was kinda like a Red Shoe Diaries with less David Duchovny and more boobs. As for the book, well, gosh. I know I got it from a used book store for a buck or two. Oh – and it had a blue cover.

BILLY THE KID: A SHORT & VIOLENT LIFE – ROBERT M. UTLEY

WHY I BOUGHT IT

Before I decided I was gonna get really into ants, I decided I was gonna get really into biographies. This book marks my first and only attempt.

HOW MUCH OF IT I ACTUALLY READ

The first 20 pages or so.

WHAT I REMEMBER

Billy The Kid escaped from jail for the first time when he was like 12. He got caught stealing and the town sheriff locked him up, just to scare him. I think he climbed up the chimney or something. That’s awesome, but that’s about as far as I got.

LABYRINTHS – JORGE LUIS BORGES

WHY I BOUGHT IT

I have no idea. Someone really smart must have recommended it to me.

HOW MUCH OF IT I ACTUALLY READ

A few pages.

WHAT I REMEMBER

Having absolutely no clue what he was talking about.