If you’re like me, you like to keep up with current events. But if you’re like me, you don’t really care that much about the minutiae of global economics. This is tricky – you want to know what’s going on, but you don’t want it to be that complicated or specific. What do you do? Don’t worry, little buddy – you’ve come to the right place.
IRAQ
Back in 1950, President Eisenhower gave Saddam Hussein, like, a billion dollars. He wanted Saddam to start training dudes so they could overthrow Osama Bin Laden. Well guess what happened? Saddam went mad with power and built all these palaces and bunkers and started secret programs to manufacture Anthrax and bombs shaped like airplanes. George Bush Sr. got super pissed and that turned into Desert Storm. Then George W. Bush was like “Fuck yeah” and now pretty much everyone in the Middle East is dead.
TOM CRUISE
Remember Cocktail? No? What about Risky Business? Nothing? Weird. Ah! Top Gun – you remember that, don’t you? Okay, yeah. Well remember the main guy in that? “Maverick?” He turned out to be completely fucking nuts.
THE NSA DID SOME SHIT
A few years ago, everybody really liked George W. Bush. Now everybody hates him and it makes him sad. To figure out why, George made the National Security Agency eavesdrop on America so he could hear all the nasty things people were saying about him. Most of the tapes turned out to be totally irrelevant though; mostly just people bitching about how they were bored at work, or how they couldn’t decide what they were going to cook for dinner. Then the Liberal Media found out about the tapes and now it’s been widely reported in the New York Times and the Washington Post that you’re “not in the mood for Mexican tonight.”
PEARL JAM
Item! Pearl Jam totally put out a new record! Yeah! It’s totally rockin’ and Eddie Vedder is still pissed about Ticketmaster and well, golly, they sound great! Those boys can really cook! Seriously – Pitchfork said it’s a “return to form.” Yeah – a return to form. You know – the form best characterized by songs like “Jeremy” and “Alive.” In 2006. Su-fucking-perb.
The world is going to explode pretty soon because you exhale too much. Plus there’s a huge hole in the ozone layer (remember?) and it let in all these rays from space that melted most of our glaciers, even though McDonald’s switched most of their containers from styrofoam to cardboard. Pretty soon there are gonna be five huge storms that are going to merge together and form a “Global Superstorm” that will hurl the planet into a second ice age. Yeah – just like The Day After Tomorrow.
Some dude named Scooter told someone there are spies. Someone found some papers in a drawer that meant something, then a hurricane happened. The guy who was supposed to take care of it turned out to be a failed horse judge, so a bunch of people died. A lot of them lied about stuff that was pretty important. Some of them got in trouble about it, so Dick Cheney shot some dude in the face.
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