When I told my girlfriend Jo that I was going to ironically sign up for an MMORPG, she scoffed. “Yeah, right,” she said. “See ya in a month.” I tried to tell her that no, she had it all wrong. No! This was going to be hilarious! An MMORPG! Ha! I really felt (and still do feel, to a certain extent) that there was no way I was going to get sucked in and end up playing in earnest. And yet here I am now, three or four days later, kind of speeding through this blog so I can log back on. That’s probably a bad sign, but it’s easy to rationalize away as an inclination to do “more research.”I also mentioned the game to my friend Leif, an avid MMORPG player with a particular penchant for Final Fantasy Online (parenthetical footnote: I interviewed him once about Final Fantasy – check it out here.)

“Yeah dude, it’s pretty cool. Everything in the game is created by players in the game, so it’s pretty much anything goes,” I said.

“Oh, cool. So it’s like The Sims Online, but actually fun,” he said.

“Yeah. It’s like The Sims Online, but with porn.”

Speaking of porn, Wired featured an article recently on the phenomenon of in-game porn (link). Seems that a couple of in-game entrepeneurs took it upon themselves to create a porno mag in the game by hiring female players in the game (or players who claim to be female, anyway) to pose for pictures, then created a porno mag object in the game which they are now selling. Not that I’m personally interested or anything… I’m just saying, you know, it exists… cough.

So anyway, I told Leif that I had been playing the game a bit. I’ve expressed vehemently anti-MMO sentiments to him in the past, so I had to qualify it for him.

“Yeah, I’ve been playing it a little,” I told him. “I wanna make fun of it on my blog.”

“Man,” he replied. “Making fun of MMORPGs… on your blog.”

Touche.

But enough pussyfooting around. Let’s get into it already.

STEP 3
CONTINUE TO MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE.

In keeping with the rest of the internet, there is plenty of filth in Second Life. There is an entire zone of the game (and one that receives quite a bit of foot traffic) called “Amsterdam,” complete with hookers, strip clubs and head shops. How could I resist? The seedy underbelly of SL must be revealed, right? It’s investigative journalism, okay? Wandering around virtual Amsterdam, it didn’t take long to stumble across this couple.

I wonder what percentage of Second Life players are typing with one hand at any given time. Yeesh.

Bored of the Red Light district (maybe because I didn’t have enough money to get a virtual hooker), I decided to take off in search of greener pastures. Luckily, there are plenty of people in the game who are totally into green pastures.

This little shop sells in-game posters (for your virtual home) with all the subtlety of a freight train… made out of weed. On fire. With Sublime playing on the radio. Which is also made out of weed. And if fractals don’t make your attitudes towards weed clear enough, don’t worry. There’s more.

I went to a store that looked exactly like this once in Columbus, Ohio. The game captures the experience pretty accurately, minus the smell of patchouli and vegetarian B.O.

Tobacco accessories, bro. Salvia in the back. Fuckin’ a. Can someone please tell me what the fuck I’m doing here? I mean here on Earth. With my life. I’m standing in a virtual bong store. This is fucked. Oh well. When in Rome…

But seriously, how do you KNOW that I exist? I mean, like, how do you KNOW?!

Did you ever go to the zoo and think maybe WE’RE all in cages and it’s the ANIMALS that are on the outside watching US?

I’d like to backtrack for a minute and talk about clothes. In this game people take their appearances pretty seriously (while, I assume, wearing sweatpants in real life), so my shitty digs were a sure way to peg me as a new player. That’s all behind me, thanks to a goth girl with a tail.

Yeah, I went to a goth club. In an online RPG. Can you sink any lower? Whatever. This Amazonian whore-warrior/dancing queen felt so strongly about my shitty clothes that she GAVE me a new set. I can’t say they’re exactly my style, but hey, this isn’t about my taste. This is my SECOND life. Live a little, right? Try something new! Hence, I present to you the new me. Goth Ross.

Top: Billabong “Tribal Groove” Tank Top. $17.99, Pacsun.
Bottom: Tripp “Funky Devil” Flared Nylon Pants. $59.99, Hot Topic.
Wings: Totally Fucking Retarded.

Everyone at the “goth club” was dancing, and I don’t really understand what the point of that is. To be honest, the entire game seems to be a perpetual dance party. I don’t get it. You click something, it triggers your dance animation, and then you just sit there and type “Woo!” over and over. My rave days are behind me, both in real life and online. So I thought to myself, hmm. What else do goths do other than dance like douchebags?

Eureka!

Someone find me a mall parking lot!

Anybody?

Okay. No mall parking lot. We’ll have to settle for second best.

Goths hate Jesus, right? And Jesus hates goths? We’ll see! This is the ALM CyberChurch. It’s a big and fairly impressive structure. I figured my goth presence, wings and all, would really rattle their cages (particularly when I started belting out Bauhaus lyrics), but, um, there wasn’t actually anyone there. Fine. I searched for churches again and ended up here.

Strap on your seatbelt – this one’s a real humdinger. This woman built the church she is standing in front of. Well, church might not be exactly the right word. It’s more of a… umm… memorial. Rest in peace, James Montgomery Doohan.

No, seriously. This woman used her time and energy to build a virtual memorial to her favorite dead Science Fiction stars. Doohan, DeForest Kelley, and Gene Roddenberry are all paid loving and marginally terrifying respect here. There’s also has a box that, when clicked, will zap you an informative virtual pamphlet about how to control your sinful sexual impulses. Oh – and some Billy Graham and Oral Roberts… umm… posters, I guess.

I told her I was dressed like a goth because I went undercover to try to infiltrate the “scene” and spread the gospel. She was very touched by that and gave me the free t-shirt that I then proceeded to smoke virtual weed in and subsequently virtually pass out in. The back of it says “Know Jesus, Know Peace. No Jesus, NO peace.” Shred. Now if I can just get rid of those pants I’ll be in business.

Which brings everything full circle, back to the original question that standing in a virtual bong shop while wearing goth pants and a Jesus t-shirt tends to raise.

What the fuck am I doing?!