I play a lot of video games. I like to shoot nazis and monsters and sometimes just regular people. I’ve been Tony Hawk and the God of War, all with potato chip crumbs falling onto my sweatpants.

I really like Katamari Damacy too. Like… a lot.

But there’s a whole batch of games that I’ve always made a conscious effort to avoid: RPGs. I played an early Final Fantasy game a few years ago that totally sucked me in, which is what they’re supposed to do, and for a couple of weeks that was all I did. I like games where you shoot stuff because you shoot stuff for a little while and then you go do something else. You can play Katamari Damacy and roll stuff up for just a little while. That’s how the game is meant to be played. Katamari Damacy isn’t supposed to be an immersive experience that supplements (or REPLACES) your actual life. Games like Final Fantasy Online tend to play a much bigger role in their players’ lives for extended periods of time, and that part of the reason why I’ve avoided them for so long: I’m absolutely petrified of getting sucked in.

Another reason I’ve avoided them for so long is that I think magic is kind of gay. Spells, wizards, tunics, potions… none of that really does much for me, and they are all cornerstones of the RPG universe. I’m not into mutton or mana.

So maybe that’s why Second Life piqued my interest – an online RPG mostly devoid of magic and mutton. I’m not totally clear on what the point is of the game yet, but that’s never particularly rigid in games like these. It seems like you can pretty much do whatever you want. There’s a complex in-game economy and people are willing to pay game money for a lot of stuff, so I guess you can conceivably do whatever the hell you want as long as people are willing to pay you for it (if you want to make money in the game at all). You can buy land and build on it, so you could run a business or something. You can create objects in the game and sell them to other players. Or, if you’re like me, you don’t really care about any of that crap. If you’re like me, you’re interested because the game is completely fucking free.

I decided to sign up for Second Life to make sure that I want absolutely nothing to do with online RPGs. I figure that since the game is free, it can’t be that great. That way, I can play it and not worry too much about getting sucked in. I signed up tonight and took my first plunge into the game.

For the record, let it be known: the irony of jumping headfirst into an online RPG for the express purpose of confirming that I have no interest in doing so is not lost on me. Nor is the absurdity of making fun of people for spending their free time playing an online RPG while I also spend my free time playing the same game. I get it.

STEP 1
MAKE A DUDE

This is the default face they give you to start with. You can really go nuts changing your features and body type, so I’m sure it could be used as a handy tool to test for body dysmorphia. When I look in the mirror, I see this guy here:

STEP 2
MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE

This fang-boner here told me “blew all her money” on the wings and suit, then she “made the helm.” I don’t know what the helm is, but I know I don’t like it. We talked for a little while and then she took off to go feed her pet tarantula.

This chick weighs 400 pounds in real life. Oh – and she’s a he.

See that little picture on the right of the girl with the dude who looks like The Crow? See how they’re in a heart? That’s because that’s her boyfriend in real life. They met in the game and now they live together. So they went from playing the game online together to playing the game online together while sitting on the same couch. It’s kind of romantic in a weird way, but it also kind of makes me want to blow my brains out.

This guy fancies himself to be some kind of “rap” guy. This is from his bio:

“Wha up im here to have fun yup just like u ….. if ya ever need to talk to me hit me up with an IM. If ur a hot lil mami def hit me up so we can get to know each otha. If ya find anything fun or somthing for me to do yea my ass needs a SL job .. just holla at me.”

I’m glad I met this guy in the game, because I’m pretty sure I would hate him even more in real life.

I was walking around in no particular direction when I saw this weird thingee.

I decided to check it out and found this in the middle. I don’t understand how or why.

Here’s Outy:

Me: what are you some kind of wizard?
Outy Banjo: hehe, well, I wouldn’t mind that title 🙂
Me: what title would you use?
Outy Banjo: Hrmm, I always liked Chief best 🙂
Me: Chief of what?
Outy Banjo: The UnRuled 🙂
Me: Chief of The UnRuled?!?!
Outy Banjo: Kinda’ silly, huh? 🙂
Me: I think I’m seeing in gayvision.
Outy Banjo: I see 🙂
Me: that is so gay it’s bumming me out.
Outy Banjo: A thousand pardons.
Me: so what do you do in herE?
Outy Banjo: Make magic 🙂
Pim Hoggard: show me some
Outy Banjo: You can see for yourself 🙂
Me: it looks like you’re playing handball.
Outy Banjo: Perception is funny like that 🙂
Me: if you were a magician and i paid to see you, i’d want my money back.
Outy Banjo: It is fortunate then, that I am not a magician, hehe
Me: outy…
Me: don’t quit your day job.
Outy Banjo: Good advice.

After talking to some dude named Outy Banjo for a while, I needed something to cleanse the palate. And what better way to cleanse the palate than a quick visit to the strip club, right? Yeah, I was a little surprised too, but go figure. They’ve got strip clubs.

I told this chick she looks like the kind of girl that steals silverware from Denny’s. She didn’t respond.

This is the strip club – I assume one of many. Note the alarming number of people in attendance. And yes, I realize that I am one of them, so shut up.

This is one of the strippers. A real person is sitting behind their keyboard, making that weirdo naked zombie babe do whatever it is she is doing. When I rolled up, she was just standing there like some kind of creepy virtual mannequin. Am I supposed to be getting a boner at this point?

I have a lot to learn about online RPGs.