It happens to everyone once in a while: there you are, clutching a bloody hammer after beating your wife, sister-in-law, and mother-in-law to death. You’re in big trouble, mister! You know what you have to do before the cops get there, but do you really think you can do yourself in the same way you just brutally murdered those three women? Try it out – ouch! That smarts, eh? What’s that? You can’t think of any other ways to commit suicide? Uh oh – you hear those sirens? Better think fast! Don’t worry, little guy – I’ve got a few ideas. It might be too late for Daryoush Ebrahimi, but here’s some suggestions for the rest of ya’ll.

– drowning yourself in a bathtub

– eat, go swimming immediately afterward

– shoot yourself in the face with a shotgun

– watch video of baby seals getting clubbed, wait for heart to break

– get depantsed in gym class, die of embarrassment (note: must actually attend some sort of gym class)

– pills, pills, more pills

– dress up like a bird egg, find one of those lizards that eat bird eggs

– hold hammer still, run into it with head

– pretty much any other method

A girl named Alyson Levy (who used to work on Wonder Showzen, apparently) made a short documentary out of footage she shot while visiting a Christian puppet camp. The results will melt your brain. Check it out.

The Hands of God – part 1

The Hands of God – part 2

The Hands of God – part 3

The Hands of God – part 4

Optician vs. 75-Year-Old Reporter
there comes a time in every optician’s career when they have to assault a 75-year-old reporter.

The Wilhelm Scream Compilation
the second best scream in the history of cinema – right after that other one. you know – the one that’s all “AIEEEEEEE!”

Adventure Time
rainbows are about to shoot out of your ass.

Def Jam: Icon
E-40 vs. Lil Jon? sign me the fuck up.

Tim and Eric – Awesome Show Great Job
clip from the first episode of their new show. totally awesome. see the rest here.

Ghetto Fried Chicken
i’m not touching this one with a ten-footer.

Rocket Fuel Plant Explosion
cuz it’s cool when shit blows up. more info here.

Mushihimesama Ultra Superplay – Last Final Boss
this looks like just about the least fun video game of all time.

The Cutest Kitten In The Entire World
get ready to puke.

TMNT Girl
dear god.

(previously)

We’ll remember they way you smiled gracefully at your detractors. We’ll remember your unique sense of style. We’ll remember your massive tits, and the way they wooed an old millionaire into giving you more money than any of us will ever see in our entire lives. We’ll remember that TV show you had, and how everyone loved to hate it. We’ll also remember how we totally forgot about your TV show after a while because we got sick of watching you fall down over and over and over again. We’ll remember how you showed up completely wasted at some sort of awards show. We’ll remember how your stepson died somehow. Or maybe it was your regular son. Whatever – we’ll remember it regardless. We’ll remember how you lost weight with the help of diet pills, inspiring thousands of people to do likewise. But most of all, Anna, we’ll remember how through it all, through the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, you never managed to show even a speck of an iota of class. Rest in peace.

Pamela’s still chuggin’ along, right?

(P.S. In honor of the passing of this American icon, please take a moment to watch this video and reflect on what Anna meant to you. She died as she lived – collapsing in public.)

Portraits of Gun Owners in their Homes.

These are freakin’ awesome.

(via mefi)

Troy Hurtubise, star of the awesome documentary Project Grizzly, has invented a lot of stuff. Bear suits, fire paste, blast cushions, the Angel Light (or “God Light”)… the list goes on and on (not really, actually – it pretty much ends right around there). But these unbelievable (in the truest sense of the word) inventions don’t grow on trees! It takes a lot of money to come up with prototypes for machines that basically perform magic, so it’s no wonder that Ol’ Troy’s a little hard up for cash. Down on his luck, Troy did what anyone else would do – scrounged around his house looking for shit to hock on eBay. Except while most of us usually come up with some shitty old clock (might be rare/antique!) and a handful of scratched ska CDs, Troy found a body armor suit called The Trojan. Bidding is up to $10,000 right now, but if his item description is to be believed, that’s a real steal – the suit supposedly cost $150,000 to develop. It all kind of reminds me of that old saying: one man’s financial ruin is another man’s opportunity to acquire sweet shit.

(via mefi)

Buzz Aldrin. Neil Armstrong. John Glenn. You already know and love these brave astronauts, but now it’s time to toss yet another hero onto the pile. Here’s looking at you, Lisa Nowak. Welcome to the space party.

Blame the failure of the NASA program – nobody’s really stomping around in space very much anymore, leaving these astronauts to wander around their hometowns bored and listless, longing for zero-gravity and that weird ice cream that you can only really get at movie theaters here on Earth (and considering the lack of quality films coming out these days compounded with rising ticket prices due to skyrocketing budgets and internet piracy, nobody really wants to go to the movies lately – not even astronauts). Under these circumstances, who could blame her for falling into a bitter love triangle with some other astronauts and then driving 950 miles in a diaper to kidnap (or possibly murder) her rival?

Take pity on Lisa Nowak, America. She was a victim of our times, a victim of love (not to mention an underfunded space program). An astronaut without a shuttle. Who among us can honestly say that under the same conditions they wouldn’t have driven from Houston to Orlando in a diaper with a BB gun, a steel mallet, a pair of black gloves, some pepper spray, rubber tubing, trash bags, and a 4-inch switchblade to try to spice things up a little?

Not you? Well fine. I wouldn’t have either, but astronauts don’t think like you or I. They think big.