This “phenomenon” is getting pretty big media coverage right now thanks to a couple of kids in California, but ghost ridin’ the whip ain’t nothin new. What’s the matter? You scared? Don’t even sweat it – my man Mistah FAB‘ll give you specific instructions on how to do it. E-40 can help you out, too. Or hey, here’s an idea: just look around on youtube and watch hundreds of idiots almost (or actually) kill themselves.

Now that the “movement” is getting all attention from the media, maybe it’s time to take it to the next level. Some suggestions:

– Jump out of moving car, hop up on hood, cut own head off. (Ghostcapitate The Whip)

– Jump out of moving car, drink poison, die. (Ghostsippin’ On Some Cyzzanide)

– Jump out of moving car, shoot innocent bystanders until police come and shoot you. (Ghostkill A Bunch Of People)

– Jump out of moving car, run across double yellow line, dance in oncoming traffic until you get hit by a car. (Ghostgetyourselfkilledlikeafuckingmoron)

– Drink GHB, jump out of moving car, hop up on hood, put on blindfold, juggle chainsaws. (Ghostdo The Most Awesome Thing Ever)

– Be white, jump out of moving car, get totally terrified and decide to co-opt a more relaxed subset of black culture – possibly reggae, or that “intelligent” hip hop where they don’t call women “bitches.” (Ghostcry Like A Widdle Baby)

Jingle Cats
you know – for christmas.

Dog Police
i think i’m the only person in the entire world who likes this.

Focus – Hocus Pocus
they don’t make ’em like this anymore…

Matt & Kim – Yea Yeah
cuz matt & kim rule.

Cock & Ball Torture – Aphrodisianus
this isn’t really that good. whatever.

Young @ Heart – Sonic Youth’s “Schizophrenia”
this will make your brain asplode.

Fight Scene From John Carpenter’s They Live
my new favorite fight scene from my new favorite movie.

Cripple Fight – South Park
an homage to my new favorite fight scene from my new favorite movie.

Anshe Chung Gets Wanged In Second Life
some context here and here and here. i totally did this like a year ago. sort of.

SNL Digital Short – Dick In A Box
heh. dick in a box.

[gv data=”C6EAJbB56oQ”][/gv]

[poll=4]

Google Patents is my new best friend. There are over 7 million patents to sift through, and as far as I can tell at least 5 million of them are completely ridiculous. Here’s a handful of my favorites so far.

I love the internet.

—————————————————–

PATENT NAME: Flatulence Deodorizer

PATENT NUMBER: 6313371

WHAT IS CLAIMED: “A pad to be worn by a user for absorbing gas due to flatulence.”

MARKETABILITY: Pretty high, apparently.

WHY IT RULES: Because Figure 1 is one of the most amazing fucking pictures I have ever seen in my entire life.

—————————————————–

PATENT NAME: Villain Execution Toy

PATENT NUMBER: D483080

WHAT IS CLAIMED: “The ornamental design for a villain execution toy, as shown.”

MARKETABILITY: Probably fairly high when the patent was filed back in 2003. Less so now, considering the target demographic for a “Villain Execution Toy” probably forgot all about Osama Bin Laden by the end of the first episode of “Deal or No Deal.”

WHY IT RULES: Other than the fact that they call it a “toy,” it’s completely ambiguous what this “toy” actually does. The inventor’s million dollar idea was a toy that somehow involves Osama Bin Laden in an electric chair. Fuck it – patent that shit! Also, the file contains a reference to Patent #D135280 – “Design For A Pin Cushion” by Charles P. Englebarflt back in 1942. Ol’ Chucky E. beat this clown to the punch by 60 years.

—————————————————–

PATENT NAME: Monkey Herpes B Virus Genes

PATENT NUMBER: 5767265

WHAT IT CLAIMS: “1. A substantially pure form of a DNA sequence of heroes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:4:), said DNA coding for a gB glycoprotein comprising (SEQ ID NO:6:) and a polypeptide comprising (SEQ ID NO:5:).

2. A gB glycoprotein of herpes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:6:).

3. A recombinant DNA molecule comprising:

a) a substantially pure DNA sequence of herpes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:4:); and
b) a vector for introducing the DNA sequence into a host cell.”

MARKETABILITY: Depends on the price.

WHY IT RULES: Because when your college-educated, 1984-reading ass heard that corporations were starting to patent DNA you were picturing hordes of identical humans with barcodes on the backs of their necks. You never once thought to yourself, “Hey, wait – what about monkey herpes?”

(more…)

The BBC actually expects me to believe the following sentence:

“The world’s tallest man has saved two dolphins by using his long arms to reach into their stomachs and pull out dangerous plastic shards.”

Where did this happen? On the moon? How did the plastic shards get into the dolphins? Was it a ghost from the future? After all this happened, did he fly away on a unicorn?

Shame on you, BBC.

(note: It also says that “Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun was called in after the dolphins swallowed plastic used around their pool at an aquarium in Fushun, north-east China. Attempts to use instruments failed as the dolphins contracted their stomachs. Guinness World Records list Mr Bao, 54, as the world’s tallest living man at 2.36m (7ft 8.95in).” So wait – you’re telling me that the aquarium realized that these dolphins swallowed some plastic and tried to get the pieces out, and when they realized that they couldn’t do it they were like “I guess we better call in Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun – the world’s tallest living man”? That was their solution? What?! Was he already at the aquarium and they saw his head sticking out above the crowd and they were like “Hey, let’s call him in” or did they have him on speed dial in case something like this came up or what? There are a lot of unanswered questions here.)

(note #3: Hey – look what else they say in this article! “The heads of the dolphins were held back and towels wrapped around their teeth so Mr Bao could not be bitten. He then extended his 1.06m-long arm into the mammals’ stomachs.” Do they have annual awards for “Best Single Sentence In An International News Story”, and if not, can they start now?)

Mostly because our new robot overlords will have no idea how to walk up and down them.

– ASIMO eats shit

– ASIMO eats shit again

(via geekologie)

(p.s. why are all these robots playing trumpets? is that last one wearing a kimono? japanese people are weird.)

– Tinky Winky Doo!

– I Can’t Come Until… THIRTEEN O’CLOCK!

– TEP On It!

– Karen’s Not Here Right Now… She’s… DEAD?!

– I Guess We’re Just… SKYDIVIN’ ON A MILKBONE!

– See You Next THUMBER!

– Bats! So Many Fucking Bats!

– She Probably… HAS BALL CANCER!

– She Probably Likes… DINOSAUR JR!

– Yeah, Whatever – She… Probably… EATS PINECONES!

– CHUMBAWAMBA DUMBAHUMBA!

– Sleeky Peeky Teeky!

– KASHMITCHA VAPITCHA!

– TIMMAY! (Not The Retarded South Park Character – A Different One.)

– I Had Sex Last Night In The Backseat Of A Bar – NO, WAIT! I MEANT CAR! HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Would someone please tell me how the fuck I snoozed on this for like a month?

(via boingboing)

So I’m sitting at a Jimmy John’s in a strip mall in Glenview, Illinois. I’m eating a #3*, minding my own business, when my eyes happen to fall on one of the many “wacky” signs on the wall. Jimmy John’s seems to take great pride in their wacky signs, most of which feature quick hits like “Yo Mama… Wants You To Eat At Jimmy John’s!” or “If These Walls Could Talk… They Wouldn’t Need Signs Like This One!” This one that I happened to find myself staring at was different, though. This one had a lot of words on it. I love shit with lots of words on it (I was an English major, after all), so when I saw them all sitting there on that sign my pulse quickened a bit. As if by instinct, the training I received as an undergraduate kicked in. I began systematically processing the entire sign, word by word. Left to right, top to bottom.

Reading, if you will.

When I reached the last word of the last line, a weird thing happened. I started thinking about the overall message of the sign. It was delivered in a light-hearted manner, but the message of it was actually kind of… well… kind of deep, I guess. It spoke volumes about the lunacy of the American value system, about our messed up priorities, you know? I thought about what I had read for a while and sat there eating my sandwich. I thought about myself, my job, my own personal priorities. I compared myself to the guy in the story on the sign on the wall at a Jimmy John’s in Glenview, Illinois.

Then I was like “wow” – I really need to start bringing a book with me to read on my lunch breaks. I also need those books to be, like, “good” books, I guess, because apparently my brain is turning into applesauce. Seriously – being emotionally moved by some stupid sign hanging on the wall at Jimmy John’s really fucking sucks.

If you’d like to read the sign in question, just click on the dunce.

* That’s a “Sorry Charlie.”**

** That’s a tuna salad sandwich.

About six years ago, my friend Dave showed me a videotape from the bowels of his immense personal collection. Had I known how many times I’d end up watching that tape over the course of the next six years, maybe I wouldn’t have watched it in the first place. I was younger back then, foolish and naive. Plus, I didn’t know it was going to be a video of a retarded guy doing a cooking show on public access.

The video in question is called “The Merrill Howard Kalin Show.” In it, a young mental defective named – you guessed it – Merrill teaches the audience how to prepare a number of dishes including salad, jello, chicken, and stuffing. He also fucks up every single dish in one way or another and somehow finds time along the way to do impressions of Julia Child, Jack Benny, and “the oldest man in the world” among many others. Then around the end he completely flips out and forgets where he is.

He also expresses a seemingly unhealthy enthusiasm for salad dressing.

I’d like to pause the story for a moment and address something. There might be some people reading this thinking to themselves, “Wow… this guy is the biggest asshole in the entire world, laughing at a retarded person.” For years I addressed this by saying that Merrill is an entertainer, that he wants us to laugh at his show. This is horseshit, obviously. There is no defense for this behavior. I’m an asshole, and if you watch this video and laugh at it you’re an asshole too. Big deal. The most common reaction to the tape is laughter followed by overwhelming guilt, and almost every time the tape is viewed in a large group of people at least one of them says “we’re all going to hell.” I felt kinda guilty about showing it for a while, but people kept asking to see it! What could I do?! I had no choice!

Some people have suggested that the tape is fake, that he’s an actor. I’ve always responded to this suggestion in the same way: If Merrill is an actor, the motherfucker deserves an Oscar. Or an Emmy. I guess it’d be an Emmy, technically. Regardless, this tape is about more than just laughing at a retarded person. Really. Watch the way he addresses the crowd. Watch the way he gives them advice about how they should “never cook alone.” Watch the way his eyes dart back and forth like he’s trying to hide something from the camera that’s catching everything on tape anyway. Watch him unable to resist the temptation of a tomato in the salad he just made. Watch him arrange the cucumbers in the salad into a little smiley face, kinda. Watch him say “my banana got rotten” and then chuckle to himself because he just inadvertently made a semi-dirty joke. Watch how he uses a measuring cup. Watch the cameraman inexplicably cut to the quivering jello mold over and over again. Watch him go completely batshit insane, and then picture the guy behind the camera frantically waving his arms, trying to bring him back to the planet Earth.

Anyway, the whole point of the story is that someone put the tape up on YouTube a few weeks ago. It’s about time – that’s exactly where it belongs. Welcome home, Merrill – you’ve come a long way, baby. Shit really heats up in Part 3 if you’re in a hurry, but I’d strongly recommend watching it start to finish if you can. Brace yourselves, people – it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

The Merrill Howard Kalin Show – Part 1

The Merrill Howard Kalin Show – Part 2

The Merrill Howard Kalin Show – Part 3

(edit: The video has been removed at the request of the Little City Foundation‘s lawyers. This actually has me kind of worked up right now – while it’s admittedly fucked up to laugh at these video clips, I don’t think that means they should have the right to take it down. Okay, sure – it’s their “Intellectual Property.” But it’s not like the video’s availability online was somehow killing their sales numbers or something. They’re a non-profit (or very similar to one), which means that this video has been removed from YouTube at their request simply because it isn’t “nice” to have it up with all these people laughing at it on the internet. And there’s only one word for that: gay lame (first word removed at the request of the ilga).