Buzz Aldrin. Neil Armstrong. John Glenn. You already know and love these brave astronauts, but now it’s time to toss yet another hero onto the pile. Here’s looking at you, Lisa Nowak. Welcome to the space party.

Blame the failure of the NASA program – nobody’s really stomping around in space very much anymore, leaving these astronauts to wander around their hometowns bored and listless, longing for zero-gravity and that weird ice cream that you can only really get at movie theaters here on Earth (and considering the lack of quality films coming out these days compounded with rising ticket prices due to skyrocketing budgets and internet piracy, nobody really wants to go to the movies lately – not even astronauts). Under these circumstances, who could blame her for falling into a bitter love triangle with some other astronauts and then driving 950 miles in a diaper to kidnap (or possibly murder) her rival?

Take pity on Lisa Nowak, America. She was a victim of our times, a victim of love (not to mention an underfunded space program). An astronaut without a shuttle. Who among us can honestly say that under the same conditions they wouldn’t have driven from Houston to Orlando in a diaper with a BB gun, a steel mallet, a pair of black gloves, some pepper spray, rubber tubing, trash bags, and a 4-inch switchblade to try to spice things up a little?

Not you? Well fine. I wouldn’t have either, but astronauts don’t think like you or I. They think big.

Bear Cubs Boxing
or midgets (or children or chimpanzees) in bear suits boxing.

Death Metal Fresh Prince
this is stupid but it makes me happy.

The Thing With Two Heads
i want to try to watch this entire movie soooo bad.

LA Guyz!
tim and eric rule.

The First YouTube Video Ever
what a piece of shit.

Robot Ride
i think his head was dragging on the floor for a minute there.

Cliff Jump With No Parachute
this guy is completely out of his mind.

What Hands Can Do
neat-o.

Boston Ad Prank Suspects Talk About… Hair
these are the guys arrested for putting up aqua teen hunger force advertisements which were inexplicably mistaken for bombs.

Apprentice Reject Nick Christakis
this guy sounds like a really good businessman, doesn’t he?

Earlier today I opened up a YouTube video called “In My Language” – a fascinating look at autism and how we define language. Then a friend of mine sent me a link to a music video called “Why Must I Cry” – a fascinating look at how some really shitty rapper sings in the shower. I opened it while the other one was playing in another window and hey, guess what? They go together really well! Accidental Mash-Ups rule! Hit play on both of them below and find out for yourself!

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It begins.

(via andreaharner via kottke)

My friend Adam has been gracious enough to send me a link to the forward-thinking, convenience-oriented company Wang Ming Company. Do you need a “Plastic Tree”? Maybe some “Industrial Oven Hand Protection”? Looking for a “Family Game”, are you? Don’t sweat it – Wang Ming’s got just what you need, as long as you don’t need anything besides one of those three items.

Things to note: the video in the upper right corner showing how you play “Smack The Lion” (which apparently involves setting your loved ones on fire and throwing them off of buildings), the fact that the “Industrial Oven Hand Protection”‘s item name is “William,” the corporate structure in the Management category, and basically every chunk of text on the entire website. Dear lord.

This has to be fake, but I’m posting it anyway.

(Edit: BoingBoing posted a link to this scarytoyclown post just a few days ago which has a lot more info on Wang Ming and bright orange leederhosen. The post and comments both point to viral marketing on this one.)

Edith Bunker almost got raped.

Weird.

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An updated and expanded version of “Cliffs Notes on Mystikal’s Pussy Crook” is up today at Cracked.com (direct link). It looks awesome – check it out.

A while back I posted something called “Inside Jokes That You’re On The Outside Of.” I don’t spend very much time with teenage girls these days, so I just kind of made that one up as I went along, remembering what teenage girls’ inside jokes were like as best I could. Guess what? I totally fucking nailed it.

Featuring brain bombs like “Ya know who’s good at calculus? Your car!” and “Ah, mint….CATNIP?!” all helpfully attributed (Mr. Bremer and Chris Passovoy respectively) and occasionally explained (the mint catnip quote is a reference to dessert served at Lindsey’s prom), Lindsey Butler’s site is not meant to be viewed by people like you or I. No – to people like us, these quotes mean absolutely nothing. It’s like catching a snippet of two strangers’ conversation on the street, only those two strangers are teenage girls. Oh – and they’re retarded.

Click the pic and prepare to be… well… mostly just kind of annoyed, I guess.

Back in September I posted a video of a TV pirating incident from 1987. It features a Max Headroom impostor talking gibberish for a while, pulling out his ass, and getting spanked with a fly swatter. If I had to use just one word to describe it, that’s a no brainer: “awesome.”

No, wait: “shred.”

There was no context for the video, no explanation whatsoever. Go figure – it’s a clip of a local broadcast from two decades ago where some dude pulls out his ass. Can you really expect much background information for that? Could there really be that much more to say about it?

Of course there is. This is the internet, remember?

Click the picture of Max Headroom for the full history of a fairly minor pirating incident from twenty years ago, courtesy of Damn Interesting.