Dear Internet Perverts Who Continually Wind Up On My Website By Searching Google For Strange And Filthy Things,

I’m afraid there’s been some sort of misunderstanding. Although you have ended up on my website in the last month by searching for the following, I regret to inform you that I do not have any pictures or videos of:

– pamela and tommy fucking
– free nude pics johnny depp
– pussy plundering movies
– photoshop pussy brushes
– sexiest prostitute
– stupid maid porn
– hairy men
– japanese mass fucking video
– remote control wife bigger boobs
– big nigerian dick porn
– goldie hawn crotch shots
– huge naked tits free pics
– hot hipsters naked
– sexy notary
– honeymoon fucking
– photo fuking oldest man
– twentysomething girls porn blowjobs
– girls depantsed video
– tight pants condi
– big boobs bouncing in slow motion
– britney naked and desperate
– george w bush naked pics

Hopefully this will clear up some of the confusion. Oh – and if you find that “remote control wife bigger boobs” thing, let me know. I’d kind of like to see that.

I’m admittedly at least a week behind the rest of the internet in posting anything about Kenneth Eng, self-declared “Asian supremacist” and “God of the Universe.” Sure, his little column was bigoted and insensitive, but taken at face value that’s not really much of a story. What would I title the post? “Asian Guy Hates Blacks?” What a snoozer! I had the whole thing written off last week as a news blip, a sensational morsel in the sea of info insanity. Then I found out that he has an Amazon blog and once wrote a book called “Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate.” Suddenly, my interested was piqued. “Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate?” Really? Let me reiterate:

“Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate.”

Brain asploded.

Here’s a quote from his blog on the subject of religion:

“Let’s look at the muslim religion. They believe that music, dance, naked women and other such things are “indecent”. They think that some creature called “allah” will bring them peace, yadda, yadda, yadda. They think that if they bow every day, they will somehow be transported to a place called “heaven”, where everyone looks conspicuously human. I don’t know about you, but I masturbate all the time. It’s not going to affect me in any way, aside from making me need to take baths more often. And listening to O Fortuna will not make my head explode. Nor will spitting at every church I see make my intestines burst out of my abdomen.”

So now everyone is outraged, but I will forgive him for all of this because one of the dragons on the cover of his book is holding a gun. I like that.

It’s ironic that Africa is kind of shaped like a giant t-bone steak.

Here’s a crappy fortune I got in my fortune cookie earlier this week at a chinese buffet:

That’s not even true. What ever happened to “a friend in need is a friend indeed”? These fortune writers are assholes.

(previously)

A while back, I “met” this “guy” Chet “The Triple Threat” Stevens. He was a “frat boy” who totally “went to New Orleans for Mardi Gras.” He “exists.” Anyway, “he” told me his “story” and now it’s up on Cracked.com. Yeah.

So go “check it out.”

You might remember 69 Boyz from such hits as “Let Me Ride That Donkey,” “Tootsie Roll,” and, to a lesser extent, “Kitty Kitty.” They had names like Barry “Fast” Wright” and Rottweiler Mike Mike. They had b-sides with names like “U Need Dick N Your Life,” “Heiny Heiny” and “Woof Woof.” They managed to put out a handful of albums and singles over the years (including a “greatest hits” cd) – if you’re just starting to get into 69 Boyz, you’re probably a little bit nervous. It’s understandable – with so much potential bass in yo face and so much booty in yo pants (too much, really), the obvious first question is “where to begin?” Luckily there are plenty of amazon.com user reviews to point you in the right direction.

Album: 199Quad

Review Title: The Godfathers of quad thumping music

Reviewer: Marlena Martin (Killeen, TX)

Rating: 5/5

“I’ve always loved the 69 Boyz, they had some of the hottest music and dopest beats. I can’t name one person who wasn’t doing the tootsie roll. If you want to hear good music, please got the first album. It is so heart pumping that you can’t help but dance to it. I’ll be glad when they come back and reclaim their fame. To this day people are still grooving along to the 69 Boyz in their cars with the same enthusiasm.”

Review Title: Tootsie Roll!!!!!

Reviewer: Trisha And Chris Norton (North Dakota)

Rating: 5/5

“We love this CD so much we were listening to Tootsie Roll (our use to be favorite on this album) :o) while we were driving down dirt roads and when the 69 boyz sang to the Left to the Left, to the right to the right, that is exactly which way we we ended up rolling our vehicle over and over to the right :o) Everyone was okay but our new favorite on the CD is KITTY KITTY.”

Album: The Wait Is Over

Review Title: Hot Bass

Reviewer: J. Patterson (Milwaukee, WI)

Rating: 3.5/5

“I origally got this cd for the song woof woof and I saw them in concert and they tore it up. They took their music to a different level on this one and have many different styles on this cd.some some dont song like bass music at all. Im not a big bass fan music but they still have some good song on here. I like #5,10,23(ft. jt money), 26 is one that I love. Too bad bass music went out and they faded away. Check this cd out.”

Album: 2069

Review Title: 69 Boyz are Slammin!

Reviewer: “A music fan”

Rating: 5/5

“i bought this cd the very day it came out! i really like this cd. this cd is a very good dance and party cd, with very good beats! i dont have alot to say about it, but the hit single “how we roll” is HOT! i would recamend this cd to anybody!”

Review Title: 69 Boyz are Slammin!

Reviewer: simpyboy (Albany, NY)

Rating: 5/5

“this joint is hott. the beat is good for any party the lyrics and the bass make this a great cd. the 69 boyz are representing the dirty south j-ville and orlando! i would think about this cd before any other.”

Album: Greatest Hits*

Review Title: bangin tight cd

Reviewer: “A music fan”

Rating: 5/5

“bangin tight cd to get jiggy with it and down and dancing to the music too.”

* I would just like to point out that this album was released on September 11, 2001. Coincidence?

(special thanks to jo for pointing out that 69 Boyz exist)

Calling it an “article” might be pushing it, but “The 7 Most Insane Moments from Cable Access TV” is up on Cracked.com today. Check it out.

(link)

Following last Friday’s ridiculous Britney Spears meltdown (and her subsequent rehab check-in), eBay has been blowing up with listings of people claiming to have locks (even just a few strands) of Britney’s hair for sale. The stories some of these people are telling to explain how they came to possess such an important, maybe even priceless bit of pop culture history seem a little far-fetched to me, even impossible in some cases. Regardless, some of the auctions prices are skyrocketing by the hour (and then being promptly removed by eBay – in the course of writing this, the auction I was going to use for the “skyrocketing by the hour” link has already been pulled down, which means the rest of the links I’ve already managed to cram in here are probably all gone already, too). It’s kind of unfair: not all of us can afford to spend our hard-earned cash to acquire hair that may or may not have actually once been attached to a celebrity. That’s why I’ve decided to selflessly martyr myself, to throw myself onto the sacrificial altar.

I am selling my hair on eBay.

(edit: Apparently, I’m not actually selling my hair on eBay. I posted this earlier in the week, but within a few hours eBay pulled the auction for “keyword spamming” – apparently when you put an auction up on eBay you’re not allowed to describe what the item ISN’T. For example, if you are selling the hair clippings from your next haircut you can’t describe it as “Humor Blogger’s Hair Clippings (Not Britney Spears) NR.” That will get your auction pulled. When I saw the auction had been taken down I deleted this post since, you know, that was kind of the whole point. Luckily, Google managed to cache the auction within those few short hours that it was actually up, so for posterity’s sake I’d like to link to it again. Because this is important. Really, really important.)

It happens to everyone once in a while: there you are, clutching a bloody hammer after beating your wife, sister-in-law, and mother-in-law to death. You’re in big trouble, mister! You know what you have to do before the cops get there, but do you really think you can do yourself in the same way you just brutally murdered those three women? Try it out – ouch! That smarts, eh? What’s that? You can’t think of any other ways to commit suicide? Uh oh – you hear those sirens? Better think fast! Don’t worry, little guy – I’ve got a few ideas. It might be too late for Daryoush Ebrahimi, but here’s some suggestions for the rest of ya’ll.

– drowning yourself in a bathtub

– eat, go swimming immediately afterward

– shoot yourself in the face with a shotgun

– watch video of baby seals getting clubbed, wait for heart to break

– get depantsed in gym class, die of embarrassment (note: must actually attend some sort of gym class)

– pills, pills, more pills

– dress up like a bird egg, find one of those lizards that eat bird eggs

– hold hammer still, run into it with head

– pretty much any other method

Haikus about edgy comedy etc.. List of colors.