PROP

Miss America’s Crown

WHY IT’S FUNNY

Tara Elizabeth Conner, Miss USA 2006, was involved in a scandal where she was caught drinking underage and using cocaine. Carrot Top, assuming that the audience is aware of this scandal, implies that the Miss America crown should be made out of alcoholic beverages and, hence, makes a joke of a topical nature.

PROP

Viagra Putter

WHY IT’S FUNNY

Viagra (Sildenafil Citrate) is a drug used to treat male erectile dysfunction. Carrot Top has created a golf club with a large indentation in its shaft to accommodate the erections that the drug causes. While Viagra jokes may be dated, erection jokes are timeless, although why someone would take Viagra while playing a round of golf remains unknown.

PROP

Barry Bonds’ Baseball Bat

WHY IT’S FUNNY

Barry Bonds is trying to achieve the all-time home run record, but has also been accused of using performance-enhancing drugs. By putting these two aspects of Bonds’ career together in the form of a baseball bat filled with steroids, Carrot Top has created a joke.

PROP

Willy Nelson’s Tour Bus

WHY IT’S FUNNY

On September 18, 2006, a Louisiana police search of his tour bus uncovered 1.5 pounds of marijuana and 0.2 pounds of psychedelic mushrooms. Carrot Top’s model of Nelson’s bus produces copious amounts of smoke that trail out of the back of the bus, which reminds people of the incident in a comical fashion.

PROP

A Hat That Allows You To Watch Nascar When Your Cable Goes Out

WHY IT’S FUNNY

Nascar is regarded by many as a dull and repetitious sport. With this in mind, Carrot Top has created a hat that features toy cars spinning around the wearer’s head. It is implied that this could recreate the experience of watching a Nascar race – a funny notion to say the least.

PROP

A Hat & Beard That Will Make You Look Like A Terrorist So That You Can Get A Seat To Yourself On An Airplane.

WHY IT’S FUNNY

After terrorists hijacked two planes and crashed them into the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001, people have been very nervous about flying on airplanes. Particularly so around Arab people. This hat & beard will make you look like an Arab, so people will not want to sit near you on the plane for fear that you will martyr yourself and kill them in the process. As an added bonus, the beard conceals a medicine cabinet for some reason.

I decided to look up some information about slime moulds. It turns out that, in addition to being fascinating protists, they are also “gay homos.”

Does the scientific community know about this yet?

(jpg for posterity’s sake)

I can’t believe it either. A third post about what may very well be the crappiest movie ever made. Once this is done, I will have officially spent more time thinking about this film than any of the people involved in its production.

I was thinking about those soundboards – you know, the ones that were really funny a few years ago. They always took samples from the classics (T2, Commando, Kindergarten Cop), but for some reason Junior was grossly underrepresented. Why might that be? It’s chock-full of great clips!

I’m not gonna put one together or anything (that would be an absolutely outrageous waste of time – the movie is WAY too stupid to deserve such attention), but here’s a little montage with a few of the possibilities.

And with that, let us never speak of Junior ever again.

(edit: for some reason the mp3 is playing back way too slow, but you know what? I am not putting any more time, effort, or thought into a movie about Arnold Schwarzenegger having a baby.)

11:28pm

First reason to like Junior:

– pee joke within the first 2 minutes.

——

11:35pm

– Arnold is a doctor who studies monkey pregnancies. This is just part of the plot. I’m not making a joke here.

——

11:39pm

– I wonder if it is hard to deliver lines of dialogue with conviction in a movie about Arnold Schwarzenegger getting pregnant.

——

11:41pm

– I’m not sure if I can watch this entire movie.

——

11:47pm

– Do all scientists have monkeys? No matter what? Because I don’t understand why the new scientist who took Schwarzenegger’s old lab after he lost his funding for the pregnancy drug would (or could) just keep his old monkeys.

——

11:50pm

– Even if this new drug is really spectacular, how it could make Arnold pregnant? Is the fetus growing in his intestines? And if not, where?

——

11:53pm

– Another pee joke.

——

11:55pm

– Arnold just said “My nipples are very sensitive.” This movie is weird.

——

11:58pm

– For all the typing that I’m doing right now jotting down these notes, somebody did a lot more typing when they wrote the script for this movie. That blows my mind.

——

12:03am

– Am I seriously watching a movie where the current governor of California’s out-of-wack hormones make him cry during a sad movie because he’s pregnant?

——

12:07am

– Did I mention that I’m not sure if I can watch this entire movie?

——

12:19am

– Quick plot recap: Arnold and his partner (Danny DeVito) are scientists who lose their research funding for a new pregnancy drug. To secure funding, they decide to impregnate Arnold and have him take the drug to collect data. Arnold is supposed to stop taking the medicine before the end of his first trimester, but being pregnant makes him feel more vibrant and alive than he ever had before so he decides to keep taking the medicine. He decides to have his baby. In other words, Junior is actually a movie about a scientist who goes completely batshit insane.

——

12:24am

– Arnold’s German word for “boner”: “Schteifen.”

——

12:27am

– I wonder where the fat suit Arnold wore in this movie is now?

——

12:30am

– Arnold forces Danny DeVito to take it back after he says that Arnold should have stopped taking the medicine when he was supposed to (in other words, when he says that Arnold should have aborted the fetus). Maybe the religious right could use this movie to spread their message? Or… gasp… maybe it IS the religious right spreading their message!

——

12:42am

– Arnold says “My body, my choice.” I guess it’s not the religious right. After he says it, he throws the evil research director through a rack full of beakers.

——

12:46am

– I bet this movie is really unpopular in the GLBT community.

——

1:04am

– When the baby is born, it looks pretty real. All covered in that baby mucus stuff. Did they slather it in vaseline or something?

——-

1:11am

– Last joke in the movie: maybe Danny DeVito should have a baby!

——-

1:14am

– I want the last 109 minutes of my life back.

Can someone please explain to me why it took me four months to find out about Kevin Federline’s branded Yahoo!-powered search engine SearchWithKevin.com? And here I’ve been using Google like some kind of asshole. To think all this time I could’ve been winning sweet prizes (just for surfing the web!) like K-Fed t-shirts, autographs, and “a chance to attend Kevin’s private birthday celebrations in Los Angeles.” You can also download the “branded Internet Explorer toolbars for instant search & win access” and “quick links to Kevin & his music,” which they guarantee has ” NO ADWARE, SPYWARE OR ANYTHING!” Coming from anyone else I would be wary of downloading something that is guaranteed in all caps to have no adware, spyware, or “anything,” but it’s you, Kevin. Why wouldn’t I trust someone who has nothing left to lose?

As a parenthetical footnote, I’d like to point out that Prodege, the company behind SearchWithKevin, is, according to their website, “the first socially-conscious search engine” who have “pioneered a new way for charities to raise contributions with a cost-free vehicle.” In this case, they are raising money for the National Buy-Some-Dude-With-Zero-Prospects-Some-Macaroni-And-Cheese Fund.

(via geekologie)

p.s. PEEP IT ON THE ‘SPACE, YO!

On any given day teenagers perform countless spontaneous acts of stupidity. But how many of those stupid, spontaneous acts generate highbrow discussions about free speech that end up going all the way to the Supreme Court? In the seven years of my own personal teendom, I can say with confidence that I was involved in over 1,000 acts of a stupid and spontaneous nature, and not a single one of them did anything but get me either wounded or grounded. That means that less than .1% of all stupid and spontaneous acts performed by teenagers generate highbrow discussions about free speech and end up going all the way to the Supreme Court.

QED.

Last week I posted a video to this weird little website someone told me about called YouTube. I put up a video of a late night tv show just so I could link to it and call it stupid, but it turns out that this YouTube thing is pretty popular and people actually look at the videos posted there – even if they’re not linked to them from this site! Weird, huh? Today the video got its first comment, which made some very interesting points:

Luckily, just when I was thinking to myself “the internet is fucking retarded,” someone sent me a link to I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER? and now everything is back to normal.

I could also watch twittervision for days, even though I don’t understand it at all.

Bike: The “HyperBike” (by Body Rite Ltd)

Origins: The geniuses at Body Rite Ltd. woke up one morning and realized that people don’t look nearly retarded enough while riding bikes.

Message That Riding It Sends To The World: “Am I completely bat-shit insane or an engineering grad student? You decide.”

Why It’s Stupid: Similarities to a fictional vehicle from South Park aside, the HyperBike looks like it was designed by someone who traveled to the future, discovered the future is gay, then came and decided to do everything they could to hasten its arrival.

Bike: The Sideways Bike

Origins: Some guy decided he was sick of having his body facing the direction he was traveling while riding his bike.

Message That Riding It Sends To The World: “Hey, look at me! I’m riding a weird bike!”

Why It’s Stupid: If you have to ask, you’ll never know.

Bike: The Bus Of Eindhoven

Origins: If you can do something, you definitely should. And if that something involves building a 32-bike “bus” on a truck chassis for the express purpose of lugging some engineering students to a brewery and back, so be it. Get to work.

Message That Riding It Sends To The World: “I am in Europe.”

Why It’s Stupid: This is so retarded it’s actually kind of cool.

Bike: The Rowingbike

Origins: Unlike on a traditional bicycle, the Rowingbike uses every muscle in your body – even your Lookingus Likeoid A Douchbagialis Maximus.

Message That Riding It Sends To The World: “I look like an asshole, but I’m going to live for 500 years.”

Why It’s Stupid: Because sure, you’re getting the ultimate exercise and strengthening every part of your body and everything, but what’s the point? To extend your lifespan so everyone can continue to laugh at you riding that stupid little bike of yours?

Bike: The Conference Bike

Origins: Sometimes office morale is down. And when office morale is down, you can bet your behind that office productivity is down, too.

Message That Riding It Sends To The World: “I am participating in a team-building exercise.”

Why It’s Stupid: It’s not stupid at all! The ability to work together to achieve a common goal is unbelievably important in an office environment, and team-building exercises on a corporate retreat can be a fantastic way to practice! Remember: the office that plays together stays together! You do want your office to stay together, don’t you?!

Bike: Choppers

Origins: Fuck your fascist joke formats – there ain’t no origins for choppers, man. They grew out of the muck, out of the trash as, like, a response to the runoff, the byproducts of the urbanized lifestyle we’re forced to live every single day.

Message That Riding It Sends To The World: “I reject conventions.”

Why It’s Stupid: Because the same kids who make them also make tall bikes, which are more or less an insult to Darwinian evolution.

– A Man, A Can, A Plan – Alpa Naca Nama.

– Sally Broke A Dish? Sid A Ekorb Yllas!

– Re Wohseht Nide Tra. Farted In The Shower.

– Try Eating Poison, You! Oy Nosi Op Gnita Eyrt!

– Palindromes Are Hard. Rahara semord nilap.

– I’ll Never Do This Again. I Aga. Siht Od. Reven. Lli.

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