Can someone please explain to me why it took me four months to find out about Kevin Federline’s branded Yahoo!-powered search engine SearchWithKevin.com? And here I’ve been using Google like some kind of asshole. To think all this time I could’ve been winning sweet prizes (just for surfing the web!) like K-Fed t-shirts, autographs, and “a chance to attend Kevin’s private birthday celebrations in Los Angeles.” You can also download the “branded Internet Explorer toolbars for instant search & win access” and “quick links to Kevin & his music,” which they guarantee has ” NO ADWARE, SPYWARE OR ANYTHING!” Coming from anyone else I would be wary of downloading something that is guaranteed in all caps to have no adware, spyware, or “anything,” but it’s you, Kevin. Why wouldn’t I trust someone who has nothing left to lose?

As a parenthetical footnote, I’d like to point out that Prodege, the company behind SearchWithKevin, is, according to their website, “the first socially-conscious search engine” who have “pioneered a new way for charities to raise contributions with a cost-free vehicle.” In this case, they are raising money for the National Buy-Some-Dude-With-Zero-Prospects-Some-Macaroni-And-Cheese Fund.

(via geekologie)

p.s. PEEP IT ON THE ‘SPACE, YO!

A band from Israel called Teapacks has been getting a lot of press in the last few days over their controversial submission to the Eurovision 2007 song contest entitled “Push The Button.” The song addresses the potential threat of nuclear annihilation at the hands of an unnamed enemy of the Israeli state. Teapacks will be representing Israel at the international competition in May,

That’s the story you’ll get from any major media outlet, but they all seem to be leaving out a fairly important detail: the song totally fucking sucks (edit: and here’s a video… you know, for maximum suckage). Why can’t they be more like these guys?

You might remember 69 Boyz from such hits as “Let Me Ride That Donkey,” “Tootsie Roll,” and, to a lesser extent, “Kitty Kitty.” They had names like Barry “Fast” Wright” and Rottweiler Mike Mike. They had b-sides with names like “U Need Dick N Your Life,” “Heiny Heiny” and “Woof Woof.” They managed to put out a handful of albums and singles over the years (including a “greatest hits” cd) – if you’re just starting to get into 69 Boyz, you’re probably a little bit nervous. It’s understandable – with so much potential bass in yo face and so much booty in yo pants (too much, really), the obvious first question is “where to begin?” Luckily there are plenty of amazon.com user reviews to point you in the right direction.

Album: 199Quad

Review Title: The Godfathers of quad thumping music

Reviewer: Marlena Martin (Killeen, TX)

Rating: 5/5

“I’ve always loved the 69 Boyz, they had some of the hottest music and dopest beats. I can’t name one person who wasn’t doing the tootsie roll. If you want to hear good music, please got the first album. It is so heart pumping that you can’t help but dance to it. I’ll be glad when they come back and reclaim their fame. To this day people are still grooving along to the 69 Boyz in their cars with the same enthusiasm.”

Review Title: Tootsie Roll!!!!!

Reviewer: Trisha And Chris Norton (North Dakota)

Rating: 5/5

“We love this CD so much we were listening to Tootsie Roll (our use to be favorite on this album) :o) while we were driving down dirt roads and when the 69 boyz sang to the Left to the Left, to the right to the right, that is exactly which way we we ended up rolling our vehicle over and over to the right :o) Everyone was okay but our new favorite on the CD is KITTY KITTY.”

Album: The Wait Is Over

Review Title: Hot Bass

Reviewer: J. Patterson (Milwaukee, WI)

Rating: 3.5/5

“I origally got this cd for the song woof woof and I saw them in concert and they tore it up. They took their music to a different level on this one and have many different styles on this cd.some some dont song like bass music at all. Im not a big bass fan music but they still have some good song on here. I like #5,10,23(ft. jt money), 26 is one that I love. Too bad bass music went out and they faded away. Check this cd out.”

Album: 2069

Review Title: 69 Boyz are Slammin!

Reviewer: “A music fan”

Rating: 5/5

“i bought this cd the very day it came out! i really like this cd. this cd is a very good dance and party cd, with very good beats! i dont have alot to say about it, but the hit single “how we roll” is HOT! i would recamend this cd to anybody!”

Review Title: 69 Boyz are Slammin!

Reviewer: simpyboy (Albany, NY)

Rating: 5/5

“this joint is hott. the beat is good for any party the lyrics and the bass make this a great cd. the 69 boyz are representing the dirty south j-ville and orlando! i would think about this cd before any other.”

Album: Greatest Hits*

Review Title: bangin tight cd

Reviewer: “A music fan”

Rating: 5/5

“bangin tight cd to get jiggy with it and down and dancing to the music too.”

* I would just like to point out that this album was released on September 11, 2001. Coincidence?

(special thanks to jo for pointing out that 69 Boyz exist)

Earlier today I opened up a YouTube video called “In My Language” – a fascinating look at autism and how we define language. Then a friend of mine sent me a link to a music video called “Why Must I Cry” – a fascinating look at how some really shitty rapper sings in the shower. I opened it while the other one was playing in another window and hey, guess what? They go together really well! Accidental Mash-Ups rule! Hit play on both of them below and find out for yourself!

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An updated and expanded version of “Cliffs Notes on Mystikal’s Pussy Crook” is up today at Cracked.com (direct link). It looks awesome – check it out.

This “phenomenon” is getting pretty big media coverage right now thanks to a couple of kids in California, but ghost ridin’ the whip ain’t nothin new. What’s the matter? You scared? Don’t even sweat it – my man Mistah FAB‘ll give you specific instructions on how to do it. E-40 can help you out, too. Or hey, here’s an idea: just look around on youtube and watch hundreds of idiots almost (or actually) kill themselves.

Now that the “movement” is getting all attention from the media, maybe it’s time to take it to the next level. Some suggestions:

– Jump out of moving car, hop up on hood, cut own head off. (Ghostcapitate The Whip)

– Jump out of moving car, drink poison, die. (Ghostsippin’ On Some Cyzzanide)

– Jump out of moving car, shoot innocent bystanders until police come and shoot you. (Ghostkill A Bunch Of People)

– Jump out of moving car, run across double yellow line, dance in oncoming traffic until you get hit by a car. (Ghostgetyourselfkilledlikeafuckingmoron)

– Drink GHB, jump out of moving car, hop up on hood, put on blindfold, juggle chainsaws. (Ghostdo The Most Awesome Thing Ever)

– Be white, jump out of moving car, get totally terrified and decide to co-opt a more relaxed subset of black culture – possibly reggae, or that “intelligent” hip hop where they don’t call women “bitches.” (Ghostcry Like A Widdle Baby)

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Dear Michael Münzing and Luca Anzilotti (aka Snap!),

Rhythm is not actually a dancer. The dictionary defines it as “a. The pattern of musical movement through time. b. A specific kind of such a pattern, formed by a series of notes differing in duration and stress,” or “c. A group of instruments supplying the rhythm in a band.” There are several other definitions I haven’t listed here, but rest assured that none of them are “a dancer.”

It is true, however, that it’s a “source of passion” and that you can “feel it everywhere.” The other part is all fucked up, though.

Sincerely,
Ross Wolinsky
Hypocritical Mass

Dear John Hughes,

In the Michael Keaton vehicle “Mr. Mom,” Michael Keaton has kind of a rough time. After he gets laid off from his engineering job he sits around for a while and sort of lets himself go. He gains some weight, grows a beard, wears a flannel shirt… for a while it looks like he’s given up altogether. The house gets filthy. The kids suck on frozen peas for dinner while he drinks beer and watches soap operas. Eventually it proves to be too much for his wife, a suddenly career-minded ad executive who learns a lesson about the importance of family in the end. She yells at him for his untidy appearance and lackluster housekeeping skills, and I think he spends a night on the couch. The next day, Keaton begins an amazing transformation into the ultimate stay-at-home dad. Into “Mr. Mom,” if you will. Here is how we know that this transformation is occurring:

He shaves his beard off.

What exactly are you trying to imply here, Mr. Hughes? Are you saying that beards are a sign of laziness? That a clean-shaven cheek is the hallmark of the proactive man? I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you of a few bearded historical figures who I think might object to that:

– Ulysses S. Grant

– Abraham Lincoln

– Confucius

– Oh, I don’t know… some guy named… uhh.. what was it? Oh, yeah: JESUS.

Would a smooth face have made Confucius any wiser? Could Lincoln have not only freed the slaves, but also given them each a little pat on the back, too? Bullshit. If anything, a beard says “I honor my commitments,” not “I’m too lazy to shave.” A properly trimmed beard probably requires MORE effort than shaving regularly does. For shame, Mr. Hughes. For shame.

Sincerely,
Ross Wolinsky
Hypocritical Mass

P.S. Unless someone photoshopped a beard onto you in this picture, it looks like you really let yourself go in 2001. Dick.

I was stuck in traffic the other day and got a bit fed up with the radio. I was listening to NPR, a story about how obtaining building permits around New Orleans is a bureaucratic nightmare. That’s unbelievably boring, so I flipped down the dial to some college radio station that had a whole show dedicated to Inuit Throat-Singing. I’ve never been that into the Inuit Throat-Singing scene (the shows are too expensive and always really far away, usually in Alaska), so I kept flipping until… hey! I know this song! These words sound really familiar! This is bringing me back! Back to a special time, a magical time long, long ago! Let me bring you back with me. Let’s take a little trip back to the most bland and inoffensive chunk of… get ready it… are you ready yet?

We’re going all the way back to motherfucking 1998.

I want to put my tender
heart in a blender,
watch it spin around
to a beautiful oblivion.
Rendezvous
then I’m through with you.

So I’m driving in stop-and-go traffic and hey, great. Now I’m nauseous too. But then it hits me like a McDonalds bag full of unsold promotional CD singles: This version of “Inside Out” is not being performed by Eve 6. No. Someone else decided it would be a really good idea to cover it. They practiced it a whole bunch, and then they brought all their gear into a studio and recorded it. Then they dragged all their gear back to the practice space, practiced it some more, and then they dragged all their gear to a venue and performed it in front of a bunch of people. Then some radio station guys were like “Fuck yeah.. what’s it been? 8 years?” and then they hit a button which sent a cover version of Eve 6’s “Inside Out” over the airwaves and out to millions and millions of people.

That rules. Too bad the song sucks.

[note: since I wrote this, I tried to look up who in the name of god decided to record a version of this abysmal song, but I couldn’t find anything about it. Maybe carbon monoxide was leaking into my car or something… or maybe (more likely) it was a live version. That made me kind of nervous. Was my rant all for naught?! YouTube to the rescue. For even if I did hear a live version by Eve 6, that still doesn’t erase these videos from the face of the earth:

Note the first comment on the last video, by misterdehn: “omg this is so bad. You should rename this video “a simple way to ruin a classic rock song.” Congrats, misterdehn. You win the Missed-The-Point Award.]

Can’t Buy Me Gloves – “Strange” Larry Milatovic

Ain’t Nothin’ But An “F” Thang (I Flunked Physics 101, Baby) – “Abnormal” Frank Dmitrovic

With Or Without Shoes – “Unusual” Arthur Milinkovic

Total Eclipse of Descartes (Sir Isaac Newton) – “Oddball” Steve Gligorijevic

Bruising My Trained Pigeons – “Deck Of 51” Dave Stoianovic

(I Can’t Solve No) Compound Fractions – “Queer” Louis Petranovic

I Will Always Love Glue – “Peculiar” Pete Danielovic

No Woman, No Dye (Your Hair Blonde… You Look Great As a Brunette… No, Really, You Do…) – “Bizarre” Gerald Boljkovac

Paperback Reader – “Irregular” Ivan Milinkovic

We Didn’t Slash Your Tires – “Out Of The Ordinary” Morris Krstulovic

Livin’ La Vida Boca (Burgers) – “Screwy” Hank Randjeiovic