Scientists Discover World’s First Gay Car.
That title might be a little misleading, to be honest. More accurately, the world’s first gay car was “outed,” not “discovered.” Oh, and scientists didn’t do it. It was David Hasselhoff.
That’s right, folks. You guessed it: KITT was gay.
This shouldn’t come as a surprise to true Knight Rider fans. The signs were there all along, as early as Episode 108: A Crafty Plan. C’mon – remember this?!
What do you mean, “no”? Did you even watch Knight Rider? Whatever.
Oh, and this just in: The Batmobile and the General Lee are fucking. Tell all your friends.
WSJ Redesign.
I think it looks pretty good. How about you?
(via ninjaslice)
The Hypocritical Mass Guide To This Year’s Hottest Fireworks.
With the 4th of July just around the corner, people everywhere are flocking to ramshackle roadside shacks by the state border to stock up on fireworks. But with so many products to choose from, it can be a real trick to get the most bang for your buck! Here’s a quick rundown of this year’s hottest 4th of July products – happy igniting!
A FEW SPARKS, SOME SMOKE, THEN NOTHING
Item #: N-284
Category: Letdowns
Why get caught offguard by your inevitable disappointment this 4th of July when you could fully expect it?! With A Few Sparks, Some Smoke, Then Nothing, say goodbye to unfulfilled incendiary expectations – you won’t have any from the get-go!
Price: $24.99
OVERPROTECTIVE PARENT PACK
Item #: F-981
Category: Novelties, Smoke & Snakes
You fucking pussy.
Price: $1.99
WHEER OF STELEOTYPE
Item #: A-172
Category: Firecrackers
Lightey fusey, then you make run! 16,000 firework make loud bang, give you happy feeling! You rikey, so you buy! Me karate choppy you! Flied lice! Wax on, wax off! So solly!
Price: $9.99
AN ACTUAL ROCKET LAUNCHER
Item #: D-140
Category: Illegal Weapons
You have two choices this 4th of July: come out and play with the big dogs, or stay on the porch with the little pups. What’s it gonna be?
Price: what, like $25,000?
SHOCK & AWE-SOME!
Item #: K-324
Category: Aerials, Warfare
Relive the excitement of air strikes over Baghdad with these nifty aerials, civilian casualties included! These suckers fly straight up in the air, emit a small burst of sparks, then silently shoot straight back down and explode once they hit the ground! Whoa, nelly! Caution: these will kill you. Use only under adult supervision.
Price: $24.99
STARFUCKERS
Item #: Q-481
Category: Aerials, Reloadable Shells/Mortars
These suckers will shoot hundreds of feet in the air, hang there for a minute, then literally fuck the stars. Seeing is believing! A Hypocritical Mass exclusive!
Price: $19.99
How Slayer Is Celebrating The National Day Of Slayer.
As you may be aware, today is 6/06/06, known to some as the National Day of Slayer, and better known to many, many more people than that as A Day of Really Nice Early-June Weather.
Some people are a little nervous about 6/06/06. Who wouldn’t be? To the uninformed, Slayer can be a little threatening. With song titles like “Altar of Sacrifice” and “Mandatory Suicide” it’s easy to be a little put off, but trust me: once you get past the Wall of Blood and Auschwitz references, the Slayer boys are nice as pie. Forget what you thought you knew about the kings of thrash and take a look at how they’re spending the most unholy of days.
6/06/06, 7:30 a.m.
THE UPS STORE
The boys got an early start on their special day at their local UPS store, participating in an ancient ritual: mailing care packages to their college-bound children. Devil’s food cake, anyone?
6/06/06, 11:15 a.m.
WALGREENS
Does Walgreens sell blood? Sorry, guys! They might be S.O.L on that front, but luckily for Tom Araya, they DO fill Lipitor prescriptions. With a metal lifestyle like his, that cholesterol isn’t gonna regulate itself! Speaking of which, anybody getting hungry?
6/06/06, 12:30 p.m.
TACO BELL
Forget “South of Heaven” – these guys are going South of the Border!!! Yum!
6/06/06, 2:15 p.m.
PETTING ZOO
I don’t really know what to say about this. It’s their day, alright? They can do whatever they want.
6/06/06, 4:30 p.m.
TIME TO CHILL
After an action-packed day, everyone deserves a little R&R. That means it’s time to kick back in Jeff Hanneman‘s basement home theater and watch the band’s favorite movie. Let’s give ’em a little privacy, shall we? As pioneers of thrash and all-around nice guys, I’d say they’ve earned it. Wouldn’t you?
Oh – and this happened too.
Don Rickles Is Making Me Famous As Shit.
Through hard work and dedication, a stupid picture I photoshopped is currently semi-prominently featured in Cracked.com’s “Don Rickles Speaks!” photoshop contest. If you’re reading this, mom, stop crying. I’ve finally made it. Next stop: coke binge with Kate Moss followed by a vicious downward spiral followed by a gut-wrenching tell-all autobiography.
Be sure to catch the E! True Hollywood Story.
(link)
The Redeye Is A Steaming Pile of Puke.
My favorite Chicago paper, The Redeye, has expressed some concern over the soon-to-be-released 9/11 film United 93. Apparently, five years isn't enough.
I have my own concerns.
Shows That Would Exist If I Had My Own Television Network.
TITLE: Celebrity Smelting
FORMAT: Reality
TIME: 30 minutes
SYNOPSIS: Every week, a different celebrity is locked inside of a foundry and given 24 hours to figure out all applicable production processes for manufacturing screws and bolts. If they fail, the celebrity must plunge their hands into a vat of molten steel.
BUDGET: 40 billion dollars.
TITLE: Supermarket Sweeps Extreme
FORMAT: Gameshow
TIME: 30 minutes
SYNOPSIS: Supermarket Sweep… with weapons.
BUDGET: A gazillion dollars.
TITLE: Maritime Fantasy
FORMAT: Drama
TIME: 1 hour
SYNOPSIS: A wizard, a respectable black man, and a cartoon dragon DJ fight crime. They also live together on a boat for some reason.
BUDGET: 700 trillion dollars.
TITLE: Shark Out Of Water
FORMAT: Sitcom
TIME: As long as it takes.
SYNOPSIS: Through a long and complicated series of events, a shark becomes an astronaut.
BUDGET: Whole lotta skrilla.
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