But pretty damn close.

Our eyes met through my mask – m4w – 21

Reply to: pers-192277700@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-08-09, 10:50PM CDT

Me and my guys were walkin around with our mexican wrestling masks on coming back from movies in the park. we all sat down, but i was lucky enough to sit next to you. we had a lil chat, but i had the biggest hard on the world has ever known. I wished i asked for your name, number, and favorite breakfast if you get what i mean. wink wink nudge nudge put my penis in yo pussy. Hit me back up if you remember me.

• this is in or around Red Line
• no — it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

One day, back in 1975, John Trubee was sitting on his ass behind a cash register at a convenience store in Princeton, New Jersey. He was bored out of his mind. Wouldn’t you be if you were sitting behind a cash register at a convenience store in Princeton, New Jersey? What would you be doing? Reading? Doodling? Sudoku? Not John Trubee. Instead of wasting his time with some sort of piddling nonsense like number games or reading a book, John Trubee decided to take advantage it. He decided to do something. He picked up a pen, grabbed a piece of paper, and started to write. The words poured out of him like they had been inside him all along, just waiting to get out:

Stevie Wonder’s penis is erect because he’s blind
It’s erect because he is blind…

And now here you are, 31 years later, sitting at your computer, reading those words he wrote so long ago. How did that happen? How does something scrawled on a legal pad behind the register of a convenience store in Princeton, New Jersey wind up preserved for three decades? I’m not sure, but it probably helps if it’s the most brilliant fucking thing ever written in the history of mankind.

Step 1: read this short essay about how “Peace & Love (Blind Man’s Penis)” came to be recorded.

Step 2: watch this (nsfw) flash video set to it.

Step 3: try to figure out how you’re gonna do all the things you have to do this week with AN ASPLODED BRAIN.

(via metafilter)

[gv data=”TAjn3bKZqAw”][/gv]More here, here, and here. Brain seriously completely asploded.

(via metafilter)

Last night I watched Wadd: The Life & Times of John C. Holmes. Dude’s life may have actually been more ridiculous than the most outlandish porno plot ever. It got me thinking: porno plots are unbelievably stupid. Great segue, right? Whatever.

A clumsy segue on a blog is relatively painless, but when a clumsy segue consists of awkward dialogue and plot elements that are eventually supposed to lead to hardcore fucking, well, that’s a little different. Wait. Was that a double segue? Jesus Christ.

I guess what I’m trying to say is “check out these stupid porno scenes.”

1. Color Climax: Lessons In Lust. Pretty straightforward title scene. Just a bunch of letters. Nobody is fucking yet at all.

2. A bunch of twenty-something cokeheads sit at desks. One intently studies a blank piece of paper while the girl next to him wears glasses. This makes her a “geek” instead of a “porn slut.” A poster in the background shows a diagram of a fly. They are in Entomology class, and they are all about to have sex with each other.

3. The teacher (who is maybe 2 years older than the students) takes attendance. We know she is the teacher because she’s sitting at the head of the class and she has a pen. She asks the students if any of them also have pens.

4. This guy indicates that he does. He then gets up and approaches the blackboard.

5. He draws this for some reason. This is almost certainly not a fly’s dick.

6. Some other guy comes up, erases the first wang, and draws this one. At this point the lecture has veered completely off subject but nobody seems to mind.

7. Everyone fucks each other.

Moral of the story: If you want your Entomology class to turn into an orgy, draw an enormous ejaculating penis on the blackboard.

For the next set of photos, take a moment to download the audio accompaniment.  You won’t regret it.

1. Two guys sit in what looks like a really cozy Home Depot display (see plant, framed picture) discussing… soccer.  Grab the audio if you haven’t already.  Seriously.  These guys are talking about soccer.

2. This chick walks into the room wearing almost nothing and carrying a plate full of nondescript food.  A closer analysis reveals it to be…

3. A sliced-up burrito for some reason!

4. The “maid” asks if the guys want anything to drink.  They both say they want cocktails, and she goes back to the kitchen to find them some drinks.  This guy then tells the other guy that the half-naked chick with the sliced-up burrito is not his girlfriend (really?).  No, he says.  Believe it or not, she’s actually his maid.  There’s something about this guy that I kinda like for some reason.  He’s the kind of guy who you’d go get a beer with at some shitty bar you’d never be caught dead at otherwise, but then you’d end up having a really good time and feeling bad about texting all your friends “u doin anything? this sux” while he was in the bathroom snorting rails.

5. This guy, on the other hand, looks like a total douchebag.  Those angular sideburns are the worst thing ever.  Regardless, guy #1 asks if he would be interested in fucking his maid.  This guy raises an eyebrow.  “Does a bear shit in the woods?”  More witty banter proceeds, leading ultimately to the question of whether or not the pope shits in the woods as well.  Don’t judge – we’ve all been through this one before.  Just not on camera before tag-teaming some slag.

6. There are no cocktails, the “maid” says, but she offers an alternative: blowjobs.  How a blowjob is an alternative to a cold drink is beyond me, but they seem to have reached a compromise.  The sliced-up burrito is moved out of the way and they all fuck.

Moral of the story: If you make your living room look like a Home Depot display, you’ll get to fuck your friend’s slutty maid.

Yesterday I picked up the very excellent second volume of Wholphin at my local independent hipster bookstore. I threw the thing into my Playstation 2, loaded it up, and the menu splashed across the screen: 15 weird short films to choose against a Donald Trump background. I couldn’t decide which one to watch. As I flipped through the accompanying booklet, reading a little bit about each short, all of the sudden the menu fell away and the Donald started looking around, seemingly unsure about his timing. Then he started to talk about the major thematic elements in Citizen Kane and my brain exploded all over the couch. Errol Morris is my fucking hero.

(link)

You don’t want your daughters running around at the beach looking like a couple of whores, do you? Of course not. Thank god for WholesomeWear – a website that sells stupid-looking waterproof dresses. Citing a “need for modesty in swimwear,” WholesomeWear bathing suits “highlight the face rather than the body.” What are these people gonna do at the beach anyway? The kind of person who buys their daughter WholesomeWear probably won’t let them have any fun there anyway. They can’t build sandcastles cuz shovels are forbidden, and they can’t play volleyball cuz nets are for devils. Look at that chick on the right in the picture – the lake water is burning her skin. Get off my beach, you weirdos!