I’m pretty sure that whoever wrote this movie made a list of things a remote control can do with a blank space under each one, then wrote the entire movie in those spaces. I also think it took about 15 minutes. For example:

Fast Forward: Have Sandler fast forward through a fight with his wife.

Slow Motion: Watch big boobs bounce around really slowly.

Mute: Mute Sandler’s stupid wife (but make her really nice so the audience knows Sandler is a jerk for muting her)

Pause: The ol’ pause-depants-unpause gag. Also, fart in someone’s mouth possibly, then unpause? Develop concept further.

Color/Tint/Hue: Have Sandler turn himself green, talk like The Hulk. Everyone will like that.

Widescreen: Click it at someone, have it make them turn fat.

Skip Chapter: Make Sandler skip entire years of his life and then learn a lesson about the importance of family.

There. I just wrote the script for Click.

Oh – you also get to see Rob Schneider (you know – of “The Animal” fame) play an Arab prince. And Henry Winkler pretends to eat a quarter. And Sandler cries like a fucking baby when he learns his lesson. Oh, shit, but hey, I almost forgot: At the very end of the movie we find out that hey, guess what?

It was all a dream!

Holy fucking shit! Click sucks!

(note: at least one person disagrees with me: His name is Vanguardaz, and he found Click “Life Changing.” He also found Freaky Friday “Oscar Worthy.”)

Would someone please tell me how the fuck I snoozed on this for like a month?

(via boingboing)

About six years ago, my friend Dave showed me a videotape from the bowels of his immense personal collection. Had I known how many times I’d end up watching that tape over the course of the next six years, maybe I wouldn’t have watched it in the first place. I was younger back then, foolish and naive. Plus, I didn’t know it was going to be a video of a retarded guy doing a cooking show on public access.

The video in question is called “The Merrill Howard Kalin Show.” In it, a young mental defective named – you guessed it – Merrill teaches the audience how to prepare a number of dishes including salad, jello, chicken, and stuffing. He also fucks up every single dish in one way or another and somehow finds time along the way to do impressions of Julia Child, Jack Benny, and “the oldest man in the world” among many others. Then around the end he completely flips out and forgets where he is.

He also expresses a seemingly unhealthy enthusiasm for salad dressing.

I’d like to pause the story for a moment and address something. There might be some people reading this thinking to themselves, “Wow… this guy is the biggest asshole in the entire world, laughing at a retarded person.” For years I addressed this by saying that Merrill is an entertainer, that he wants us to laugh at his show. This is horseshit, obviously. There is no defense for this behavior. I’m an asshole, and if you watch this video and laugh at it you’re an asshole too. Big deal. The most common reaction to the tape is laughter followed by overwhelming guilt, and almost every time the tape is viewed in a large group of people at least one of them says “we’re all going to hell.” I felt kinda guilty about showing it for a while, but people kept asking to see it! What could I do?! I had no choice!

Some people have suggested that the tape is fake, that he’s an actor. I’ve always responded to this suggestion in the same way: If Merrill is an actor, the motherfucker deserves an Oscar. Or an Emmy. I guess it’d be an Emmy, technically. Regardless, this tape is about more than just laughing at a retarded person. Really. Watch the way he addresses the crowd. Watch the way he gives them advice about how they should “never cook alone.” Watch the way his eyes dart back and forth like he’s trying to hide something from the camera that’s catching everything on tape anyway. Watch him unable to resist the temptation of a tomato in the salad he just made. Watch him arrange the cucumbers in the salad into a little smiley face, kinda. Watch him say “my banana got rotten” and then chuckle to himself because he just inadvertently made a semi-dirty joke. Watch how he uses a measuring cup. Watch the cameraman inexplicably cut to the quivering jello mold over and over again. Watch him go completely batshit insane, and then picture the guy behind the camera frantically waving his arms, trying to bring him back to the planet Earth.

Anyway, the whole point of the story is that someone put the tape up on YouTube a few weeks ago. It’s about time – that’s exactly where it belongs. Welcome home, Merrill – you’ve come a long way, baby. Shit really heats up in Part 3 if you’re in a hurry, but I’d strongly recommend watching it start to finish if you can. Brace yourselves, people – it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

The Merrill Howard Kalin Show – Part 1

The Merrill Howard Kalin Show – Part 2

The Merrill Howard Kalin Show – Part 3

(edit: The video has been removed at the request of the Little City Foundation‘s lawyers. This actually has me kind of worked up right now – while it’s admittedly fucked up to laugh at these video clips, I don’t think that means they should have the right to take it down. Okay, sure – it’s their “Intellectual Property.” But it’s not like the video’s availability online was somehow killing their sales numbers or something. They’re a non-profit (or very similar to one), which means that this video has been removed from YouTube at their request simply because it isn’t “nice” to have it up with all these people laughing at it on the internet. And there’s only one word for that: gay lame (first word removed at the request of the ilga).

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These leads to let us and let it starts,
through the perilous night.
And the rest of parts we watched,
worst of the phone him least two remaining.
As a number asked its lead glare,
the claims bursting a manner,
disease roof through the night,
this has plastic was still there.
As to say those that explains angle banner you wait?
Wasn’t full time of the free,
and that home of the rated.

Tired of shooting AND seasoning your fowl? Good news, folks: Season Shot has arrived.

Ready for the pun of the century? Ready?

Kill two birds with one stone.

Fuck.

A little info from the site:

Note the first difference between Season Shot and “other brands.” Apparently, one of the biggest differences between the two is the fact that one of them has “flavor.” The “other brands,” as you can see, have “no flavor” [here]. That’s an important clarification. Thanks, guys.

(via digg)

This rules. ‘Nuff said.

Back in the 1980s, the Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey Circus boasted a “real life” Unicorn on its list of attractions. The “Unicorn” was actually a goat named Lancelot, but fuck it—it only had one horn, or it looked that way at least, so it was close enough for most of the paying public. The guy who… well.. MADE Lancelot, I guess, is a guy named Oberon Zell-Ravenheart (no joke), founder of the Church of All Worlds. He and his wife, Morning Glory, made ten Unicorns in the 1980s in an attempt to save the world. This is all totally for real. Seriously.

Hypocritical Ross: So where did you get the idea to create Lancelot and start the Living Unicorn Project?

Oberon Zell-Ravenheart: Well, it started off around 1975 when [my wife] Morning Glory and I got this idea to write a book on the true stories and foundations behind mythical creatures. In the process of our research over the next few years, we came upon the long-lost secret of the Unicorn—that these were actual living animals that had been produced by closely-guarded secret means that were lost and rediscovered several times throughout history. And we learned how it had been done. At that point, we said, “We could do this!” So we gave up on the book, moved to a hippie homesteading community in the mountains of NorCalifia, and began the several-year project of breeding and raising living Unicorns. Lancelot was the first, born on Spring Equinox of 1980. In all, we produced ten of them over the next six years. We named most of them after Knights of the Round Table. Some we kept as our own pets, and others we boarded out. For several years (1980-’84), we toured every Renaissance Faire in North America, and were interviewed and written up in countless newspapers, magazines, radio & TV shows, and even a few books—including the Encyclopedia Britannica. Four of them we leased to Ringling Bros.Barnum & Bailey Circus for a 4-year exhibition tour, where they were the star attraction of the Greatest Show on Earth (1985-’89). The very last one died just over a year ago, at the age of 17.

(more…)

I found this jpg on a backup CD I was digging through. And just think: It could have been lost forever! Thank God I backed it up!

Ten Other Products That People Interested In Hammacher Schlemmer’s New Computerless E-Mail Printer May Want To Consider Purchasing:

– A Receiverless Telephone

– A Bladeless Knife

– A Wireless Wire

– A Memory Foam Hammer

– An Ink-Drenched Towel

– A Single-Cube Ice Tray

– A “God Bless This Mess” Wall Hanging From Some Shitty Antique Store In Door County, Wisconsin

– A Windex Bottle Full Of Blood

– A Computer

Like most people out there, I’m really into Tampa public access television programs from the late 1980’s to early 1990’s. I always considered myself a bit of an expert on the subject (who doesn’t?), but somehow I managed to snooze on this Sondra Prill character for years. What gives? Why didn’t anyone tell me about her before?

Sondra Prill (according to a much more detailed article about a quarter of the way down this page) allegedly took herself completely seriously as the star of a three-episode program entitled – get this – “My Show.” Sondra sang, dance and postured her heart out in each installment of the show that, according to Eric Williams of ubu.com, “provided a showcase for Sondra’s ever-evolving range of things at which she tried to be talented.” Over the course of the three shows she went from a country darlin’ to a tone-deaf diva, covering everything from Hank Williams to Janet Jackson and Technotronic. The shows were peppered with incomprehensible skits that revolved around characters like “Nellie Pineapple” and “Millie The Old Lady.”

Now I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way she could possibly have taken this seriously. You could argue that convincingly, if it weren’t for Sondra’s swan song: a 1992 concert at the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center Playhouse Theatre entitled “A Musical Fantasy.” We’re talking about a Hurricane Andrew fundraiser at a 900-seat arena here. Here’s Daniel Ruth of the Tampa Tribune on the subject:

“Ticket prices for her show ranged up to $50, a testimony to a rather intriguing assessment of her talents considering recent (and slightly better known) TBPAC performers such as Al Green and Patti LaBelle charged a maximum ticket price of $25.

“Of course Green and LaBelle lack Sultry Sondra’s unique way of handling a melody – a cross between the dulcet sound of setting one’s hair on fire and sticking one’s hand into a garbage disposal.

“Friday night’s show was not without its highlights. First, it started about 20 minutes late and in an inadvertent gaffe much to the delight of the audience, Sultry Sondra’s microphone failed during one of her songs, which meant we were all spared from having to listen to her.

“Fortunately for the rest of the city, there weren’t that many of us in the audience. Only 41 tickets were sold to Sultry Sondra, a commentary on the good sense of the populace. Of course they did miss that dramatic moment during the performance where Sultry Sondra had honey poured all over her for no particular reason. Say, That’s Entertainment!

“Needless to say the victims of Hurricane Andrew won’t be benefitting much from Friday’s extravaganza of the banal. But then again, perhaps the folks down in Miami could send Sultry Sondra a few bucks – as professional courtesy from one disaster to another.”

Here’s the bottom line: Sondra Prill is either the most brilliantly retarded performance art that Florida ever spawned or a foaming, raving lunatic, but either way her videos are absolutely fucking hysterical. Ladies and gentlemen of the internet… I give you Sondra Prill. Or YouTube does, I guess. I’ll give you the links to YouTube and then YouTube will give you Sondra Prill.

Sondra Prill – Nasty Boys

Sondra Prill – Pump Up The Jam

Sondra Prill – Addicted To Love

Sondra Prill – Your Cheatin’ Heart

Sondra Prill – Little Melissa

Sondra Prill – Nellie Pineapple

Sondra Prill – Millie The Old Lady

Sondra Prill – Mario The Body Builder

Sondra Prill – Smile Toothpaste Commercial

Sondra Prill – Imitates Eddie

Sondra Prill – Star Spangled Banner