(previously)

Troy Hurtubise, star of the awesome documentary Project Grizzly, has invented a lot of stuff. Bear suits, fire paste, blast cushions, the Angel Light (or “God Light”)… the list goes on and on (not really, actually – it pretty much ends right around there). But these unbelievable (in the truest sense of the word) inventions don’t grow on trees! It takes a lot of money to come up with prototypes for machines that basically perform magic, so it’s no wonder that Ol’ Troy’s a little hard up for cash. Down on his luck, Troy did what anyone else would do – scrounged around his house looking for shit to hock on eBay. Except while most of us usually come up with some shitty old clock (might be rare/antique!) and a handful of scratched ska CDs, Troy found a body armor suit called The Trojan. Bidding is up to $10,000 right now, but if his item description is to be believed, that’s a real steal – the suit supposedly cost $150,000 to develop. It all kind of reminds me of that old saying: one man’s financial ruin is another man’s opportunity to acquire sweet shit.

(via mefi)

Buzz Aldrin. Neil Armstrong. John Glenn. You already know and love these brave astronauts, but now it’s time to toss yet another hero onto the pile. Here’s looking at you, Lisa Nowak. Welcome to the space party.

Blame the failure of the NASA program – nobody’s really stomping around in space very much anymore, leaving these astronauts to wander around their hometowns bored and listless, longing for zero-gravity and that weird ice cream that you can only really get at movie theaters here on Earth (and considering the lack of quality films coming out these days compounded with rising ticket prices due to skyrocketing budgets and internet piracy, nobody really wants to go to the movies lately – not even astronauts). Under these circumstances, who could blame her for falling into a bitter love triangle with some other astronauts and then driving 950 miles in a diaper to kidnap (or possibly murder) her rival?

Take pity on Lisa Nowak, America. She was a victim of our times, a victim of love (not to mention an underfunded space program). An astronaut without a shuttle. Who among us can honestly say that under the same conditions they wouldn’t have driven from Houston to Orlando in a diaper with a BB gun, a steel mallet, a pair of black gloves, some pepper spray, rubber tubing, trash bags, and a 4-inch switchblade to try to spice things up a little?

Not you? Well fine. I wouldn’t have either, but astronauts don’t think like you or I. They think big.

Haikus about edgy comedy etc.. List of colors.

My friend Adam has been gracious enough to send me a link to the forward-thinking, convenience-oriented company Wang Ming Company. Do you need a “Plastic Tree”? Maybe some “Industrial Oven Hand Protection”? Looking for a “Family Game”, are you? Don’t sweat it – Wang Ming’s got just what you need, as long as you don’t need anything besides one of those three items.

Things to note: the video in the upper right corner showing how you play “Smack The Lion” (which apparently involves setting your loved ones on fire and throwing them off of buildings), the fact that the “Industrial Oven Hand Protection”‘s item name is “William,” the corporate structure in the Management category, and basically every chunk of text on the entire website. Dear lord.

This has to be fake, but I’m posting it anyway.

(Edit: BoingBoing posted a link to this scarytoyclown post just a few days ago which has a lot more info on Wang Ming and bright orange leederhosen. The post and comments both point to viral marketing on this one.)

Edith Bunker almost got raped.

Weird.

[gv data=”PSlI08-CbrU”][/gv]

A while back I posted something called “Inside Jokes That You’re On The Outside Of.” I don’t spend very much time with teenage girls these days, so I just kind of made that one up as I went along, remembering what teenage girls’ inside jokes were like as best I could. Guess what? I totally fucking nailed it.

Featuring brain bombs like “Ya know who’s good at calculus? Your car!” and “Ah, mint….CATNIP?!” all helpfully attributed (Mr. Bremer and Chris Passovoy respectively) and occasionally explained (the mint catnip quote is a reference to dessert served at Lindsey’s prom), Lindsey Butler’s site is not meant to be viewed by people like you or I. No – to people like us, these quotes mean absolutely nothing. It’s like catching a snippet of two strangers’ conversation on the street, only those two strangers are teenage girls. Oh – and they’re retarded.

Click the pic and prepare to be… well… mostly just kind of annoyed, I guess.

Google Patents is my new best friend. There are over 7 million patents to sift through, and as far as I can tell at least 5 million of them are completely ridiculous. Here’s a handful of my favorites so far.

I love the internet.

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PATENT NAME: Flatulence Deodorizer

PATENT NUMBER: 6313371

WHAT IS CLAIMED: “A pad to be worn by a user for absorbing gas due to flatulence.”

MARKETABILITY: Pretty high, apparently.

WHY IT RULES: Because Figure 1 is one of the most amazing fucking pictures I have ever seen in my entire life.

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PATENT NAME: Villain Execution Toy

PATENT NUMBER: D483080

WHAT IS CLAIMED: “The ornamental design for a villain execution toy, as shown.”

MARKETABILITY: Probably fairly high when the patent was filed back in 2003. Less so now, considering the target demographic for a “Villain Execution Toy” probably forgot all about Osama Bin Laden by the end of the first episode of “Deal or No Deal.”

WHY IT RULES: Other than the fact that they call it a “toy,” it’s completely ambiguous what this “toy” actually does. The inventor’s million dollar idea was a toy that somehow involves Osama Bin Laden in an electric chair. Fuck it – patent that shit! Also, the file contains a reference to Patent #D135280 – “Design For A Pin Cushion” by Charles P. Englebarflt back in 1942. Ol’ Chucky E. beat this clown to the punch by 60 years.

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PATENT NAME: Monkey Herpes B Virus Genes

PATENT NUMBER: 5767265

WHAT IT CLAIMS: “1. A substantially pure form of a DNA sequence of heroes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:4:), said DNA coding for a gB glycoprotein comprising (SEQ ID NO:6:) and a polypeptide comprising (SEQ ID NO:5:).

2. A gB glycoprotein of herpes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:6:).

3. A recombinant DNA molecule comprising:

a) a substantially pure DNA sequence of herpes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:4:); and
b) a vector for introducing the DNA sequence into a host cell.”

MARKETABILITY: Depends on the price.

WHY IT RULES: Because when your college-educated, 1984-reading ass heard that corporations were starting to patent DNA you were picturing hordes of identical humans with barcodes on the backs of their necks. You never once thought to yourself, “Hey, wait – what about monkey herpes?”

(more…)

The BBC actually expects me to believe the following sentence:

“The world’s tallest man has saved two dolphins by using his long arms to reach into their stomachs and pull out dangerous plastic shards.”

Where did this happen? On the moon? How did the plastic shards get into the dolphins? Was it a ghost from the future? After all this happened, did he fly away on a unicorn?

Shame on you, BBC.

(note: It also says that “Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun was called in after the dolphins swallowed plastic used around their pool at an aquarium in Fushun, north-east China. Attempts to use instruments failed as the dolphins contracted their stomachs. Guinness World Records list Mr Bao, 54, as the world’s tallest living man at 2.36m (7ft 8.95in).” So wait – you’re telling me that the aquarium realized that these dolphins swallowed some plastic and tried to get the pieces out, and when they realized that they couldn’t do it they were like “I guess we better call in Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun – the world’s tallest living man”? That was their solution? What?! Was he already at the aquarium and they saw his head sticking out above the crowd and they were like “Hey, let’s call him in” or did they have him on speed dial in case something like this came up or what? There are a lot of unanswered questions here.)

(note #3: Hey – look what else they say in this article! “The heads of the dolphins were held back and towels wrapped around their teeth so Mr Bao could not be bitten. He then extended his 1.06m-long arm into the mammals’ stomachs.” Do they have annual awards for “Best Single Sentence In An International News Story”, and if not, can they start now?)