Last night Jo bought two toys out of a vending machine while we were leaving the worst Chinese buffet I’ve ever eaten at. One of them was an alligator with like a surfboard or something, and the other one was even dumber – some weird little red thing with a broom and a bag and a stupid hat on. Now that I’ve looked at it for a little while, I guess maybe it’s a witch or something. I was about to throw it across the parking lot (because that’s what you do with stupid toys when you can’t figure out what they are) when it hit me: the thing looks exactly like Marty Feldman.

Weird!

I’m pretty sure that whoever wrote this movie made a list of things a remote control can do with a blank space under each one, then wrote the entire movie in those spaces. I also think it took about 15 minutes. For example:

Fast Forward: Have Sandler fast forward through a fight with his wife.

Slow Motion: Watch big boobs bounce around really slowly.

Mute: Mute Sandler’s stupid wife (but make her really nice so the audience knows Sandler is a jerk for muting her)

Pause: The ol’ pause-depants-unpause gag. Also, fart in someone’s mouth possibly, then unpause? Develop concept further.

Color/Tint/Hue: Have Sandler turn himself green, talk like The Hulk. Everyone will like that.

Widescreen: Click it at someone, have it make them turn fat.

Skip Chapter: Make Sandler skip entire years of his life and then learn a lesson about the importance of family.

There. I just wrote the script for Click.

Oh – you also get to see Rob Schneider (you know – of “The Animal” fame) play an Arab prince. And Henry Winkler pretends to eat a quarter. And Sandler cries like a fucking baby when he learns his lesson. Oh, shit, but hey, I almost forgot: At the very end of the movie we find out that hey, guess what?

It was all a dream!

Holy fucking shit! Click sucks!

(note: at least one person disagrees with me: His name is Vanguardaz, and he found Click “Life Changing.” He also found Freaky Friday “Oscar Worthy.”)

Dear Michael Münzing and Luca Anzilotti (aka Snap!),

Rhythm is not actually a dancer. The dictionary defines it as “a. The pattern of musical movement through time. b. A specific kind of such a pattern, formed by a series of notes differing in duration and stress,” or “c. A group of instruments supplying the rhythm in a band.” There are several other definitions I haven’t listed here, but rest assured that none of them are “a dancer.”

It is true, however, that it’s a “source of passion” and that you can “feel it everywhere.” The other part is all fucked up, though.

Sincerely,
Ross Wolinsky
Hypocritical Mass

Dear John Hughes,

In the Michael Keaton vehicle “Mr. Mom,” Michael Keaton has kind of a rough time. After he gets laid off from his engineering job he sits around for a while and sort of lets himself go. He gains some weight, grows a beard, wears a flannel shirt… for a while it looks like he’s given up altogether. The house gets filthy. The kids suck on frozen peas for dinner while he drinks beer and watches soap operas. Eventually it proves to be too much for his wife, a suddenly career-minded ad executive who learns a lesson about the importance of family in the end. She yells at him for his untidy appearance and lackluster housekeeping skills, and I think he spends a night on the couch. The next day, Keaton begins an amazing transformation into the ultimate stay-at-home dad. Into “Mr. Mom,” if you will. Here is how we know that this transformation is occurring:

He shaves his beard off.

What exactly are you trying to imply here, Mr. Hughes? Are you saying that beards are a sign of laziness? That a clean-shaven cheek is the hallmark of the proactive man? I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you of a few bearded historical figures who I think might object to that:

– Ulysses S. Grant

– Abraham Lincoln

– Confucius

– Oh, I don’t know… some guy named… uhh.. what was it? Oh, yeah: JESUS.

Would a smooth face have made Confucius any wiser? Could Lincoln have not only freed the slaves, but also given them each a little pat on the back, too? Bullshit. If anything, a beard says “I honor my commitments,” not “I’m too lazy to shave.” A properly trimmed beard probably requires MORE effort than shaving regularly does. For shame, Mr. Hughes. For shame.

Sincerely,
Ross Wolinsky
Hypocritical Mass

P.S. Unless someone photoshopped a beard onto you in this picture, it looks like you really let yourself go in 2001. Dick.

“I’ve got screens in my bathroom. For real. I’ve got a screen on the ceiling above my bed so I can watch Scarface while I’m fallin’ asleep, yo. I’ve got a screen built into my fridge so I can watch Scarface while I’m waiting for crushed ice. I’ve got screens pretty much everywhere I can fit them in my crib, to be honest. I’d like to get a pair built into my eyes so I can watch Scarface while I’m just walkin’ around scopin’ everything, but ain’t no doctors finna hook me up.

“Then there’s my car. Ya’ll best believe I got screens up in that shit. I got the 10.4” foldin’ down for real. Shit’s pimp, but check it: I blew all my skrilla on screens and Scarface DVDs. Now what the fuck am I supposed to watch, yo?! Let’s see… there’s gotta be somethin’ in this bargain bin if I dig deep enough… Scary Movie 4? Nahh… The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift? Ehh… Elf? Man, this is bullshit. Oh, schnaps! Joe Dirt for $3.99? David Spade’s a funny motherfucker, man! Ehh… I don’t know, man. This looks pretty shitty now that I’m lookin’ at the back of the box, yo. “From the producing team that brought you Deuce Bigalow and Big Daddy“? Sigh… you know what, man? Fuck it. I gots a tv in my car, yo! Shit’s pimp as hell and I don’t give a fuck! One Joe Dirt, please!”

Heh. Catching Someone Watching Joe Dirt In Their Car Rules.

Yesterday I picked up the very excellent second volume of Wholphin at my local independent hipster bookstore. I threw the thing into my Playstation 2, loaded it up, and the menu splashed across the screen: 15 weird short films to choose against a Donald Trump background. I couldn’t decide which one to watch. As I flipped through the accompanying booklet, reading a little bit about each short, all of the sudden the menu fell away and the Donald started looking around, seemingly unsure about his timing. Then he started to talk about the major thematic elements in Citizen Kane and my brain exploded all over the couch. Errol Morris is my fucking hero.

(link)

Heads up, sneaker fans: someone on eBay has a pair of replica McFlys from Back to the Future 2 up for auction (note: be sure to read the questions at the bottom). The current bid is $405. I tapped Al Cabino to let him know, thinking he would be excited. I’m not surprised that he already knew about it, but I guess I’m kind of surprised that he already had an official statement ready:

Official Response to the FAKE McFly Sneaker on eBay

“Sneakers are born to be worn. The FAKE McFly sneaker as seen on eBay is nothing more than a Fisher-Price toy. If sneaker fans want the McFlys, sign my petition.”

Just Sign It.

(previously)

(via geekologie)

Last week, I stumbled across an online petition dedicated to convincing Nike to release the shoes that Marty McFly wore in Back to the Future II. When I checked it then, there were over 16,000 signatures. As I type this now, a few days later, there are over 17,000. The people have spoken. But if it weren’t for one man bringing all them all together, their voices may have never been heard. That man, that great uniter, is none other than Al Cabino, a self-proclaimed “Internationally Renowned Sneakerographer.”

Hypocritical Ross: So what’s your deal?
Al Cabino: I’m a Capricorn. I love sneakers, rock music, hockey… I’m a twenty-something born and raised in Montreal, Canada, working on a book about sneaker culture.

HR: Have you always been into sneakers?
AC: Yes, I’m a sneaker fan!

HR: How many pairs do you own personally?
AC: A respectable number.

HR: What’s the deal with the Back to the Future II shoes? What makes them so special?
AC: Everyone dreams of walking in a movie star’s shoes. The McFlys are the Holy Grail of movie sneakers. The McFlys were created just for the film, they were never worn beyond the silver screen, and I’ve always been fascinated by them. There’s a sneaker legend that says that in 2015, Nike will come out with them. But I’m not going to wait 9 years. There are a lot of people who don’t want to wait 9 years.

HR: And that’s where the petition comes in?
AC: It’s the world’s first and only international sneaker petition. So far, there are over 15,000 signatures from more than 50 countries. I am applying activism to sneaker culture. There’s old-style activism with people like Naomi Klein (also born in Montreal). This is new-style activism.

HR: What do you do for a living?
AC: I work.

HR: Do you work for Nike? Is this all some sort of viral marketing campaign?
AC: Good question—The Washington Post wanted to know if I was a Nike spy.

HR: You have to admit—it does kind of smack of viral marketing.
AC: This isn’t Sneakergate, dude.

HR: I’m just trying to understand your position.
AC: I’m not one-dimensional. I love sneakers, I love hockey, I love activism… I’d love to work with UNICEF on a sneaker-related campaign, maybe create a special sneaker where the proceeds from the sale would go to UNICEF. If starting the world’s first and only international sneaker petition has turned me into an international sneaker celebrity, well, I’d also love to work with organizations like UNICEF. One of my childhood heroes is David Suzuki—he’s a Canadian icon. Google him.

HR: Wouldn’t a Nike-sponsored UNICEF campaign be a bit like mugging someone and then giving them bus fare so they can get home?
AC: I didn’t say it would be Nike-sponsored… what do you propose for my UNICEF sneaker campaign? I’m open to your ideas… I am a sneaker fan! Are you gonna write that I’m a Nike spy?

HR: How do you reconcile the differences between the tradition of activism you are coming out of and the consumer culture you are simultaneously embracing? Some might see that as a paradox. What would you say to those people that say Nike and activism can’t go together?
AC: Traditional activists are consumers too. As stated earlier, there’s old-style activism… this is new-style activism. Old-style isn’t new-style, they are different. Sounds like you can’t accept that. You’ve got liberals, you’ve got conservatives. If you get it, you get it. If you don’t, that’s fine too. I respect everyone.

HR: Some old-style activists would probably be hesitant to call what you are doing “activism,” though.
AC: The term “sneaker activism” is accurate. This is consumerism as an active, not passive, process. I was named a 2006 Noisemaker by the Montreal Mirror (Montreal’s answer to the Village Voice), Montreal is one of the most activist cities in the world. If Montreal has embraced my new-style activism, I’m sure some Cubs fans might too. In Back to the Future Part II, the Cubs defeat Miami to win the 2015 World Series.

HR: So have you gotten any response from Nike regarding the petition? It seems ridiculous that they would ignore over 16,000 people.
AC: Right after I started the petition I was contacted by someone at Nike. He said “Al, this is big. You are on the Nike Inc global intranet. Usually the only thing on there is very important stuff for the employees.” And I was on there. A few days in, they were already talking about it. Nike is the world’s biggest sneaker company. All good things take time, but everyone knows about my international sneaker campaign. I’m still collecting signatures.

HR: Why are you doing this? What’s in it for you?
AC: I want a pair of the McFlys.

HR: How much would you be willing to pay for the McFlys if they were commercially released?
AC: First, let’s get them released.

HR: Are there any other sneakers you want to see commercially available?
AC: I want to work with the Montreal Canadiens hockey club to release some special edition sneakers that would combine my love for the Montreal Canadiens and my love for sneakers. That would be the greatest honor ever.

HR: What’s with the chocolate Nikes? Where did that come from and what’s the response been like?
AC: I’m very inspired by movies, inspired by Willy Wonka… a HUGE underground success. MTV covered it. MTV turned me into an international sneaker celebrity.

HR: If you were trapped in an elevator with Phil Knight, what would you say to him?
AC: I’m trying to organize a special meeting with Phil Knight. We will talk sneakers over some good Japanese tea.

HR: Do you know any sweet shoe trivia?
AC: Michael Jordan rocked Converse. The first Air Jordan was banned by the NBA. Michael Jordan wore them anyway, amassing fines—up to $5,000 a game.

My favorite Chicago paper, The Redeye, has expressed some concern over the soon-to-be-released 9/11 film United 93.  Apparently, five years isn't enough.

I have my own concerns.

The long wait is over, people.

Warning/Nu-Lite Entertainment has announced the release of their new film, Color Of The Cross. The film will depict the final 48 hours of the life of Jesus Christ.

Oh – and Jesus is black.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re worried about all the controversy this is going to cause, right? Maybe a bit concerned about race relations? Don’t worry, little buddy – the film’s director and star, Jean Claude Lamarre, knows exactly what he’s doing.

“To watch a black man on screen, being referred to as rabbi, or to see him partaking in a Seder meal and observing Passover really blurs the lines that divide blacks and Jews in this country. We are part of the same history,” he said in a press release issued today.

Check out the trailer here.