Seven Awesome Animals.
Monday June 25th 2007, 11:49 am
Filed under: facts,nature


Rather than committing to alligators or crocodiles, I’m keeping this one nice and open. I’m pretty sure there are differences between the two, but whatever – who really cares if their snouts have different shapes? If you happen to stumble across some sort of gator, you’re not going to sit there and think to yourself “both the upper and lower teeth are clearly visible with its mouth closed, so I guess it’s probably a crocodile,” are you? Leave that crap to the zoologists, poindexter. Yeah, great – alligators have rounder snouts. That’s fascinating, but all you really need to know about these bastards is that they’re cold-hearted murder machines with about a million teeth that want to make you dead.


Don’t let the weird goth kids from your high school ruin vampire bats for you. It’s kind of a bummer that they’re associated with one another, but that still doesn’t change the fact that vampire bats DRINK BLOOD. They’re bats (cool) who live in caves (also cool) who DRINK BLOOD (totally awesome). Instead of associating them with goths, associate them with Dracula. Don’t think about those pasty douchebags wearing all black and listening to Bauhaus. Don’t think about how you could never figure out if they wore white face paint to cover up their acne or had chronic acne from wearing all that white face paint in the first place. Think about Dracula instead. Crap – goths totally ruined vampire bats. Nevermind.


After Jurassic Park came out, velociraptors were all the rage. For a while there it seemed like velociraptors might be even more badass than T. Rex. Naturally, velociraptors turned out to be nothing more than a passing fad. T. Rex, on the other hand, has some serious staying power. Forget about those gimpy little arms – let’s focus on the teeth instead. Who needs functional forelimbs when you have huge serrated teeth? If you ever find yourself being harangued by a creationist, here’s a great question that will make them leave you the hell alone: if mankind supposedly lived side-by-side with the dinosaurs, how in the hell did we ever survive? Their creationist brains will explode and they will stumble away while you smile a smug, self-satisfied grin and get back to enjoying your lunch.


There are so many awesome things about great white sharks that it’s hard to know where to begin. How about the fact that they have five hundred rows of teeth and weird sensory organs that can detect electromagnetic fields? Or maybe the fact that they can smell your sweat from halfway across the ocean? Let’s pretend that you hypothetically had a great white shark as a pet, and that his name was Sharky. Now let’s pretend that you wanted to express your affection for Sharky by petting him. You better go with the grain, because guess what? Even Sharky’s SKIN is dangerous. That, my friend, is the very definition of “badass.”


If piranhas ever joined forces with great white sharks we would all be totally fucked. Piranhas are ugly as sin and have razor sharp teeth and roll deep with like 5,000 of their friends. They can also eat every scrap off meat off of anything they come across in like 5 seconds. If they ever met up with great white sharks the two of them combined would probably muscle the dolphins into helping figure out the best way to kill us all. It would probably work, too. The combined power of piranha teeth, dolphin brains, and great white shark awesomeness would be enough to destroy the human race with ruthless efficiency. Luckily piranhas live in freshwater so that will never happen. Still, I guess the sharks could probably persuade the dolphins on their own. This is all irrelevant, though – the point is that piranhas are sweet.


Take a shark and airlift it out of the ocean. Drop it in a forest, throw some fur and claws on it, and you’ve pretty much got yourself a grizzly bear. Oh, wait – don’t forget to replace its gills with lungs. That’s really important. You know what? You’re probably gonna need to do all sorts of other crap to it to make it fully functional. Whatever. I’m no zoologist, but you don’t need a zoologist to know that grizzly bears are super dangerous and some of the biggest badasses on the planet. Grizzly bears can be 8 feet tall. T. Rex was around 15 feet tall. So yeah, T. Rex was like twice as tall, but that was 65 million years ago. Besides, T. Rexes got totally annihilated by an asteroid and grizzlies didn’t. That means that asteroids are more badass that T. Rexes, but grizzly bears are more badass than asteroids. QED, but what does that all mean to you on a practical level? It means you can bury your poop and stash your food in a tree all you want and you STILL might end up dead.


Remeber earlier when I was talking about using T. Rex to shut down creationists? Well I should have told you that they’ll probably reply by using king cobras to prove the existence of God. “Alright, hotshot,” they’ll say, “if there wasn’t some sort of intelligent design at play, then how did anything as awesome as a king cobra come to exist?” And you’ll picture a king cobra in your head – a snake with a little cape on, pretty much – and you’ll have no answer for him. The creationist will walk away with a smug and self-satisfied grin, and you’ll end up going to church the following Sunday for the first time in your entire life. Nature is weird like that.

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