Just A Juggalo.
Tuesday May 01st 2007, 12:16 pm
Filed under: music,stupidity,things that suck

The Insane Clown Posse played a big concert in my neighborhood over the weekend. As a result, there were Juggalos everywhere. Juggalos are a lot like you and I, except they listen to the shittiest music on the planet and they paint their faces like they’re evil clowns and their parents are siblings. A lot of people are probably scared of Juggalos, and with good reason, too! Juggalos look scary! Don’t be fooled, though. When you look at a Juggalo, just remember: Underneath the face paint, oversized hockey jerseys & shorts, tiny braids, and sticky Faygo residue is a human being just like you or I.

These two met sophomore year at Shoney’s. She was waiting tables there and he was throwing a brick through the window. She helped him make bail and the two have been inseparable ever since. It was the girl (a “Juggalette” and not a “Juggaho”) that got down with the clown first. She was all “just come with me to one show,” but he told her he thought it was kind of weird. In all honesty, he was actually scared of the whole Juggalo scene. Raised as a devout Catholic, dude knew that evil clowns and Faygo were NOT a part of the path to righteousness, but then again, neither was breaking windows at the local Shoney’s. He gave it a shot – now he’s hooked, and he isn’t afraid to let you know it. While they identify with ICP culture, they use blue face paint to express their individuality. She prefers Violent J – he prefers Shaggy 2 Dope. The original odd couple.

This guy is looking for a good time and knows exactly where to find it. Got down with the clown through his cool uncle, who also got him down with SoCo, chaw, and an old stack of Barely Legal magazines (dude’s tight). Could take or leave the face paint in all honesty, but digs the oversized shorts and lyrics about fucking. Isn’t sure what he wants to do with his life, but knows he could never take a job that doesn’t understand that he’ll always be a Juggalo first and an employee second. One time at school a jock called him a faggot and he jumped up and started reciting the lyrics from “Chicken Huntin’.” After the jock punched him in the jaw he realized they used to be best friends in grade school. In his head, the incident symbolized his full immersion into Juggalo culture. Drives a sweet truck but ejaculates prematurely. Likes Taco Bell but hates vegetables. His old man is alright but his mom is a total bitch. Considers himself a “pretty good fighter” and has a carefully-concealed Pearl Jam CD in his collection. Prefers Shaggy 2 Dope.

These guys are tough as fucking nails. The one on the right has a really big truck with some bumper stickers that are so nastay I’m not even comfortable describing them. These are some nastay bumper stickers. Truly profane, and you know what? These two wouldn’t have it any other way. They love swearin’, muddin’, and gettin’ all hyper on the Faygo and going nutz. Both raised by single parents. Both have experimented with alcohol, marijuana, glue, and just being into regular shitty music instead of spectacularly shitty music. The one on the right envies the one on the left’s makeup-applying abilities. The one on the left stole his dad’s girlfriend’s cosmetics case to learn how. They have never shared a homoerotic experience, but they have both imagined what it would be like. When the one on the left pictures it, they are both 20 pounds lighter. Both prefer Violent J.

These three are a mixed bag. The one on the right doesn’t even like ICP – he’s just in it for the Faygo and the Juggahos. The one in the middle could take or leave the music but is really into the mythology. The one in the back actually prefers the opening band, Twiztid. So why, you ask, are they hanging out together? Where’s the common thread that binds them? Easy – they all love getting hyper on soda and scammin’ on the trashiest Juggahos they can find. Sometimes they stay up late smoking nutmeg and talking about how cool it is that they’re friends even though they’re so different from one another. One time in LaFayette they found a dead squirrel in some bushes next to the gas station. The one in the front picked it up and was going to throw it at this one dude, but the dude got in his truck and drove off before he had a chance to throw it, so he just put it back in the bushes, went into the gas station, and bought some Nerds and some Pop Rocks and some soda. Then they put the Nerds and the Pop Rocks in the soda and chugged the sodas with the Nerds and the Pop Rocks in them and got ALL HYPERRRRRRR!!!

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