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The Best Patents Of All Time.
Friday December 15th 2006, 12:52 pm
Filed under: bizarre,brain exploders,internet crap,stupidity,technology,things that rule

Google Patents is my new best friend. There are over 7 million patents to sift through, and as far as I can tell at least 5 million of them are completely ridiculous. Here’s a handful of my favorites so far.

I love the internet.

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PATENT NAME: Flatulence Deodorizer

PATENT NUMBER: 6313371

WHAT IS CLAIMED: “A pad to be worn by a user for absorbing gas due to flatulence.”

MARKETABILITY: Pretty high, apparently.

WHY IT RULES: Because Figure 1 is one of the most amazing fucking pictures I have ever seen in my entire life.

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PATENT NAME: Villain Execution Toy

PATENT NUMBER: D483080

WHAT IS CLAIMED: “The ornamental design for a villain execution toy, as shown.”

MARKETABILITY: Probably fairly high when the patent was filed back in 2003. Less so now, considering the target demographic for a “Villain Execution Toy” probably forgot all about Osama Bin Laden by the end of the first episode of “Deal or No Deal.”

WHY IT RULES: Other than the fact that they call it a “toy,” it’s completely ambiguous what this “toy” actually does. The inventor’s million dollar idea was a toy that somehow involves Osama Bin Laden in an electric chair. Fuck it – patent that shit! Also, the file contains a reference to Patent #D135280 – “Design For A Pin Cushion” by Charles P. Englebarflt back in 1942. Ol’ Chucky E. beat this clown to the punch by 60 years.

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PATENT NAME: Monkey Herpes B Virus Genes

PATENT NUMBER: 5767265

WHAT IT CLAIMS: “1. A substantially pure form of a DNA sequence of heroes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:4:), said DNA coding for a gB glycoprotein comprising (SEQ ID NO:6:) and a polypeptide comprising (SEQ ID NO:5:).

2. A gB glycoprotein of herpes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:6:).

3. A recombinant DNA molecule comprising:

a) a substantially pure DNA sequence of herpes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:4:); and
b) a vector for introducing the DNA sequence into a host cell.”

MARKETABILITY: Depends on the price.

WHY IT RULES: Because when your college-educated, 1984-reading ass heard that corporations were starting to patent DNA you were picturing hordes of identical humans with barcodes on the backs of their necks. You never once thought to yourself, “Hey, wait – what about monkey herpes?”

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PATENT NAME: Undergarment With A Testicle Pouch And Genital Space

PATENT NUMBER: 5870779

WHAT IS CLAIMED: “An undergarment for separating the testicles from the penis when worn.”

MARKETABILITY: Low. We’ve already got briefs, boxers, and boxer-briefs. Do we really need another option, and if so, is it because we want our testicles to be separated from our penises?

WHY IT RULES: By filing this patent, the inventor, Rodney Heron, outed himself as someone who really hates it when his penis and testicles are touching each other. This could be explained by the fact that the patent was filed in Florida for two distinct reasons: Florida is hot and humid, and everyone who lives there is completely fucking retarded.

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PATENT NAME: Bed With Suspended Platform

PATENT NUMBER: 6199552

WHAT IS CLAIMED: “An apparatus for facilitating sexual relations with minimum movement by suspending a partner at controllable parallel and spaced apart relationship with respect to another partner resting on a flat cushioned surface.”

MARKETABILITY: Pretty high. Sex would be awesome if it wasn’t for all that movement.

WHY IT RULES: Because the platform has holes cut out so you can see the boobs. Because it’s weird. Because stuff about doing it is funny. Do I really have to tell you this shit? Shouldn’t it be a big, resounding “duh”?

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PATENT NAME: Novelty Hat And Wig

PATENT NUMBER: D467056

WHAT IS CLAIMED: “The ornamental design of a novelty hat and wig.”

MARKETABILITY: Off the charts. People love wigs. Look at that guy in the picture – he looks like he’s having a good time, doesn’t he?

WHY IT RULES: Can you really patent a wig in 2002? After all these years of wig-making and patenting, are there really styles of wigs left to patent?

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PATENT NAME: Expandable Vomit Container Assembly

PATENT NUMBER: 7029463

WHAT IS CLAIMED: “An expandable vomit container assembly for providing a handy receptacle for a user to vomit into.”

MARKETABILITY: Unbelievably low. How can you improve on the barf bag? Unless the bag leaks or rips or spontaneously combusts, barfing into a bag is just fine. It works. What’s with these concentric rings? What’s the point? How is that an improvement?

WHY IT RULES: It doesn’t! It actually totally fucking sucks!

Feel free to dig around on Google Patents and post anything good that you find in the comments here. Whatdya got?


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