KILLER BEES

Oh my god! The killer bees are coming! Time to head for Canada cuz, you know, they’re pissed off even by bee standards and they’re going to kill us with ruthless hive-like efficiency. They’re like tiny cyborg death machines. They will sting you in unison, thousands per second, until you look like a giant, throbbing-red sac of jiggling pus. As soon as they get here (which is going to be really soon), we’re all dead… right?

Wrong. The killer bees aren’t coming and even if they were they’re not that bad. Weren’t they supposed to be as far north as Texas ten years ago? I’m pretty sure people are still alive in Texas. And why haven’t they made it any further? There are only two possible reasons: either they’re too lazy to get off their asses, or they don’t exist. Either choice leads to one conclusion: killer bees = not so bad. Shut up.

STRANGERS

I’ve talked to plenty of strangers for plenty of reasons. I’ve asked for everything from directions to spare change. When I was underage I asked homeless dudes to buy me beer. Since I’ve been legal, I’ve asked people in line at the McDonalds drive-thru to order food for me since they won’t take your order if you’re not in a car. One time a guy told me to get in his car and order it myself. I did, and then I sat in the parking lot with him and ate my cheeseburger. Did I get raped? Beaten? Kidnapped? Murdered? I don’t think so. The details are hazy, to be honest, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t. Through this encounter I can only conclude that strangers are not dangerous in any way, shape, or form. None of them. Close your eyes and think of your best friend. What were they to you before you met them? Exactly. Shut up.

COBRAS

What are you, fucking nuts? Cobras are super fucking dangerous. They have huge fangs and a weird little cape-looking thing and they only exist to shoot poison all over your face and make you dead. Fangs are sort of like needles when you really think about it, so these fuckers have NEEDLES FOR TEETH. Scared yet? You should be. A lot of people hate you. Cobras are just like them, except they have a mouth full of poison and they don’t give a fuck. Run!

New article up at Gapers Block today.  Check it out.

… and that was the last time he ever bonged red wine! Anyway, enough fun, people. Let’s get down to business and figure this thing out. Hey, relax you guys, will you? I was just kidding about the “enough fun” thing. You look like a couple of scared kids. Any of you guys want a beer? Something harder? There’s some pills in that box right there. Go nuts.

Not you, Zig.

Anyway, the record is going over like a cream dream, boys! We’ve been hoppin’ and boppin’ to it all around the office for days. Even the interns are asking about it! It’s got the goods! Cool but clean, rebellious but radio friendly… I think we could milk a good 3 or 4 hits out of it, to be honest. In this industry, we say a great record has to “pop.” Well guess what, guys? This record pops. Hell, this record does more that pop. It pizzops. I don’t go in for all that “izzle” crap, but it’s true. This record’s got the pizzops, baby! Anyway, the label is totally psyched to work with you guys, and we really, totally want to make this thing happen, I can’t stress that enough, but, well, there’s a problem.

It’s your name.

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