It begins.

(via andreaharner via kottke)

You’re probably tired. For that I apologize – it wasn’t really fair of me to keep you up all night, tossing and turning in your bed, wondering if I bought a new hairbrush or continued to use the one that I dropped in the toilet. It was a difficult decision, believe me. One that took time and careful consideration. Ultimately, I think I made the right choice.

I went to Walgreens and shelled out 3 dollars for a new hairbrush.

I know the poll results said I should suck it up and deal, but I was at Walgreens anyway buying rechargeable batteries and the thing was only 3 bucks. If you still think I blew it, I put together a little photo gallery to convince you otherwise. I’m confident that by the time you get to the end of it, you’ll agree that I made the right decision. My old brush was a piece of shit. My new brush, on the other hand, is a work of fucking art. Check it out.

The whole experience reminded me of a great conversation I had once about fishing stuff out of the toilet, which I will post now in the form of yet another poll. Cuz hey – polls are fun, right?

[poll=6]

Edith Bunker almost got raped.

Weird.

[gv data=”PSlI08-CbrU”][/gv]

A while back I posted something called “Inside Jokes That You’re On The Outside Of.” I don’t spend very much time with teenage girls these days, so I just kind of made that one up as I went along, remembering what teenage girls’ inside jokes were like as best I could. Guess what? I totally fucking nailed it.

Featuring brain bombs like “Ya know who’s good at calculus? Your car!” and “Ah, mint….CATNIP?!” all helpfully attributed (Mr. Bremer and Chris Passovoy respectively) and occasionally explained (the mint catnip quote is a reference to dessert served at Lindsey’s prom), Lindsey Butler’s site is not meant to be viewed by people like you or I. No – to people like us, these quotes mean absolutely nothing. It’s like catching a snippet of two strangers’ conversation on the street, only those two strangers are teenage girls. Oh – and they’re retarded.

Click the pic and prepare to be… well… mostly just kind of annoyed, I guess.

This “phenomenon” is getting pretty big media coverage right now thanks to a couple of kids in California, but ghost ridin’ the whip ain’t nothin new. What’s the matter? You scared? Don’t even sweat it – my man Mistah FAB‘ll give you specific instructions on how to do it. E-40 can help you out, too. Or hey, here’s an idea: just look around on youtube and watch hundreds of idiots almost (or actually) kill themselves.

Now that the “movement” is getting all attention from the media, maybe it’s time to take it to the next level. Some suggestions:

– Jump out of moving car, hop up on hood, cut own head off. (Ghostcapitate The Whip)

– Jump out of moving car, drink poison, die. (Ghostsippin’ On Some Cyzzanide)

– Jump out of moving car, shoot innocent bystanders until police come and shoot you. (Ghostkill A Bunch Of People)

– Jump out of moving car, run across double yellow line, dance in oncoming traffic until you get hit by a car. (Ghostgetyourselfkilledlikeafuckingmoron)

– Drink GHB, jump out of moving car, hop up on hood, put on blindfold, juggle chainsaws. (Ghostdo The Most Awesome Thing Ever)

– Be white, jump out of moving car, get totally terrified and decide to co-opt a more relaxed subset of black culture – possibly reggae, or that “intelligent” hip hop where they don’t call women “bitches.” (Ghostcry Like A Widdle Baby)

When I heard this morning that Saparmurat Niyazov had died of a heart attack, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Dead?” I thought to myself, “Saparmurat? Could this really be happening? And if so, who is he? I’ve never heard of him before.”

Saparmurat always thought of Turkmenistan as one of his own children. Maybe as his only child – I’m not really sure if he had children. I think I remember something about that from the BBC, but I’m not sure about the exact details. He thought of Turkmenistan as a child, one way or another, and a child needs to be nurtured, and nurture he did from the very first day of his Presidency (which was a day some time within the last hundred years) to the day he died (which was yesterday, I think). The country will never be the same. Or maybe it will be. I’m not totally sure what’s going to happen over there, or where “over there” is, exactly. I think it’s pretty close to Russia.

The BBC report said that Saparmurat once banned hospitals. That was the kind of guy he was – always joking around, or attempting to ensure painful and drawn-out disease and death for his subjects. There was another thing they mentioned that he once banned, but I forget what it was. Their police force, maybe? Food? I can’t remember, exactly. Whatever it was, it was CLASSIC Saparmurat. You should really google it and try to figure it out. It will provide you with a deeper understanding of who Saparmurat Niyazov really was, just like the deep understanding I momentarily possessed while listening to a radio report about his death earlier this morning.

(more…)

Google Patents is my new best friend. There are over 7 million patents to sift through, and as far as I can tell at least 5 million of them are completely ridiculous. Here’s a handful of my favorites so far.

I love the internet.

—————————————————–

PATENT NAME: Flatulence Deodorizer

PATENT NUMBER: 6313371

WHAT IS CLAIMED: “A pad to be worn by a user for absorbing gas due to flatulence.”

MARKETABILITY: Pretty high, apparently.

WHY IT RULES: Because Figure 1 is one of the most amazing fucking pictures I have ever seen in my entire life.

—————————————————–

PATENT NAME: Villain Execution Toy

PATENT NUMBER: D483080

WHAT IS CLAIMED: “The ornamental design for a villain execution toy, as shown.”

MARKETABILITY: Probably fairly high when the patent was filed back in 2003. Less so now, considering the target demographic for a “Villain Execution Toy” probably forgot all about Osama Bin Laden by the end of the first episode of “Deal or No Deal.”

WHY IT RULES: Other than the fact that they call it a “toy,” it’s completely ambiguous what this “toy” actually does. The inventor’s million dollar idea was a toy that somehow involves Osama Bin Laden in an electric chair. Fuck it – patent that shit! Also, the file contains a reference to Patent #D135280 – “Design For A Pin Cushion” by Charles P. Englebarflt back in 1942. Ol’ Chucky E. beat this clown to the punch by 60 years.

—————————————————–

PATENT NAME: Monkey Herpes B Virus Genes

PATENT NUMBER: 5767265

WHAT IT CLAIMS: “1. A substantially pure form of a DNA sequence of heroes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:4:), said DNA coding for a gB glycoprotein comprising (SEQ ID NO:6:) and a polypeptide comprising (SEQ ID NO:5:).

2. A gB glycoprotein of herpes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:6:).

3. A recombinant DNA molecule comprising:

a) a substantially pure DNA sequence of herpes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:4:); and
b) a vector for introducing the DNA sequence into a host cell.”

MARKETABILITY: Depends on the price.

WHY IT RULES: Because when your college-educated, 1984-reading ass heard that corporations were starting to patent DNA you were picturing hordes of identical humans with barcodes on the backs of their necks. You never once thought to yourself, “Hey, wait – what about monkey herpes?”

(more…)

It’s way rebel to deface public property and everything, but this guy isn’t even trying. Urbal XTC? Did he think about this for even a SECOND before he started writing it on a garbage can in Logan Square? Here are a few things his “tag” bring to mind:

– Herbal Ecstasy

– XTC (the band)

– URB Magazine

You know what’s cooler than all three of those things? Intentional misspelling. You know what that means? The intentional misspelling in his name is the coolest thing about it. Yowza. Shitty graffiti rules. And by rules I mean sucks… I think. Something like that. Whatever.

(edit: In this post, I assumed Urbal XTC was a guy. Turns out it’s a girl – here’s her MySpace profile. I’m not sure if this counts if this counts as a victory for female graffiti writers or misogynists.)

Would someone please tell me how the fuck I snoozed on this for like a month?

(via boingboing)