Google Patents is my new best friend. There are over 7 million patents to sift through, and as far as I can tell at least 5 million of them are completely ridiculous. Here’s a handful of my favorites so far.

I love the internet.

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PATENT NAME: Flatulence Deodorizer

PATENT NUMBER: 6313371

WHAT IS CLAIMED: “A pad to be worn by a user for absorbing gas due to flatulence.”

MARKETABILITY: Pretty high, apparently.

WHY IT RULES: Because Figure 1 is one of the most amazing fucking pictures I have ever seen in my entire life.

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PATENT NAME: Villain Execution Toy

PATENT NUMBER: D483080

WHAT IS CLAIMED: “The ornamental design for a villain execution toy, as shown.”

MARKETABILITY: Probably fairly high when the patent was filed back in 2003. Less so now, considering the target demographic for a “Villain Execution Toy” probably forgot all about Osama Bin Laden by the end of the first episode of “Deal or No Deal.”

WHY IT RULES: Other than the fact that they call it a “toy,” it’s completely ambiguous what this “toy” actually does. The inventor’s million dollar idea was a toy that somehow involves Osama Bin Laden in an electric chair. Fuck it – patent that shit! Also, the file contains a reference to Patent #D135280 – “Design For A Pin Cushion” by Charles P. Englebarflt back in 1942. Ol’ Chucky E. beat this clown to the punch by 60 years.

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PATENT NAME: Monkey Herpes B Virus Genes

PATENT NUMBER: 5767265

WHAT IT CLAIMS: “1. A substantially pure form of a DNA sequence of heroes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:4:), said DNA coding for a gB glycoprotein comprising (SEQ ID NO:6:) and a polypeptide comprising (SEQ ID NO:5:).

2. A gB glycoprotein of herpes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:6:).

3. A recombinant DNA molecule comprising:

a) a substantially pure DNA sequence of herpes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:4:); and
b) a vector for introducing the DNA sequence into a host cell.”

MARKETABILITY: Depends on the price.

WHY IT RULES: Because when your college-educated, 1984-reading ass heard that corporations were starting to patent DNA you were picturing hordes of identical humans with barcodes on the backs of their necks. You never once thought to yourself, “Hey, wait – what about monkey herpes?”

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The BBC actually expects me to believe the following sentence:

“The world’s tallest man has saved two dolphins by using his long arms to reach into their stomachs and pull out dangerous plastic shards.”

Where did this happen? On the moon? How did the plastic shards get into the dolphins? Was it a ghost from the future? After all this happened, did he fly away on a unicorn?

Shame on you, BBC.

(note: It also says that “Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun was called in after the dolphins swallowed plastic used around their pool at an aquarium in Fushun, north-east China. Attempts to use instruments failed as the dolphins contracted their stomachs. Guinness World Records list Mr Bao, 54, as the world’s tallest living man at 2.36m (7ft 8.95in).” So wait – you’re telling me that the aquarium realized that these dolphins swallowed some plastic and tried to get the pieces out, and when they realized that they couldn’t do it they were like “I guess we better call in Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun – the world’s tallest living man”? That was their solution? What?! Was he already at the aquarium and they saw his head sticking out above the crowd and they were like “Hey, let’s call him in” or did they have him on speed dial in case something like this came up or what? There are a lot of unanswered questions here.)

(note #3: Hey – look what else they say in this article! “The heads of the dolphins were held back and towels wrapped around their teeth so Mr Bao could not be bitten. He then extended his 1.06m-long arm into the mammals’ stomachs.” Do they have annual awards for “Best Single Sentence In An International News Story”, and if not, can they start now?)

About six years ago, my friend Dave showed me a videotape from the bowels of his immense personal collection. Had I known how many times I’d end up watching that tape over the course of the next six years, maybe I wouldn’t have watched it in the first place. I was younger back then, foolish and naive. Plus, I didn’t know it was going to be a video of a retarded guy doing a cooking show on public access.

The video in question is called “The Merrill Howard Kalin Show.” In it, a young mental defective named – you guessed it – Merrill teaches the audience how to prepare a number of dishes including salad, jello, chicken, and stuffing. He also fucks up every single dish in one way or another and somehow finds time along the way to do impressions of Julia Child, Jack Benny, and “the oldest man in the world” among many others. Then around the end he completely flips out and forgets where he is.

He also expresses a seemingly unhealthy enthusiasm for salad dressing.

I’d like to pause the story for a moment and address something. There might be some people reading this thinking to themselves, “Wow… this guy is the biggest asshole in the entire world, laughing at a retarded person.” For years I addressed this by saying that Merrill is an entertainer, that he wants us to laugh at his show. This is horseshit, obviously. There is no defense for this behavior. I’m an asshole, and if you watch this video and laugh at it you’re an asshole too. Big deal. The most common reaction to the tape is laughter followed by overwhelming guilt, and almost every time the tape is viewed in a large group of people at least one of them says “we’re all going to hell.” I felt kinda guilty about showing it for a while, but people kept asking to see it! What could I do?! I had no choice!

Some people have suggested that the tape is fake, that he’s an actor. I’ve always responded to this suggestion in the same way: If Merrill is an actor, the motherfucker deserves an Oscar. Or an Emmy. I guess it’d be an Emmy, technically. Regardless, this tape is about more than just laughing at a retarded person. Really. Watch the way he addresses the crowd. Watch the way he gives them advice about how they should “never cook alone.” Watch the way his eyes dart back and forth like he’s trying to hide something from the camera that’s catching everything on tape anyway. Watch him unable to resist the temptation of a tomato in the salad he just made. Watch him arrange the cucumbers in the salad into a little smiley face, kinda. Watch him say “my banana got rotten” and then chuckle to himself because he just inadvertently made a semi-dirty joke. Watch how he uses a measuring cup. Watch the cameraman inexplicably cut to the quivering jello mold over and over again. Watch him go completely batshit insane, and then picture the guy behind the camera frantically waving his arms, trying to bring him back to the planet Earth.

Anyway, the whole point of the story is that someone put the tape up on YouTube a few weeks ago. It’s about time – that’s exactly where it belongs. Welcome home, Merrill – you’ve come a long way, baby. Shit really heats up in Part 3 if you’re in a hurry, but I’d strongly recommend watching it start to finish if you can. Brace yourselves, people – it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

The Merrill Howard Kalin Show – Part 1

The Merrill Howard Kalin Show – Part 2

The Merrill Howard Kalin Show – Part 3

(edit: The video has been removed at the request of the Little City Foundation‘s lawyers. This actually has me kind of worked up right now – while it’s admittedly fucked up to laugh at these video clips, I don’t think that means they should have the right to take it down. Okay, sure – it’s their “Intellectual Property.” But it’s not like the video’s availability online was somehow killing their sales numbers or something. They’re a non-profit (or very similar to one), which means that this video has been removed from YouTube at their request simply because it isn’t “nice” to have it up with all these people laughing at it on the internet. And there’s only one word for that: gay lame (first word removed at the request of the ilga).

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through the perilous night.
And the rest of parts we watched,
worst of the phone him least two remaining.
As a number asked its lead glare,
the claims bursting a manner,
disease roof through the night,
this has plastic was still there.
As to say those that explains angle banner you wait?
Wasn’t full time of the free,
and that home of the rated.

Tired of shooting AND seasoning your fowl? Good news, folks: Season Shot has arrived.

Ready for the pun of the century? Ready?

Kill two birds with one stone.

Fuck.

A little info from the site:

Note the first difference between Season Shot and “other brands.” Apparently, one of the biggest differences between the two is the fact that one of them has “flavor.” The “other brands,” as you can see, have “no flavor” [here]. That’s an important clarification. Thanks, guys.

(via digg)

Back in the 1980s, the Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey Circus boasted a “real life” Unicorn on its list of attractions. The “Unicorn” was actually a goat named Lancelot, but fuck it—it only had one horn, or it looked that way at least, so it was close enough for most of the paying public. The guy who… well.. MADE Lancelot, I guess, is a guy named Oberon Zell-Ravenheart (no joke), founder of the Church of All Worlds. He and his wife, Morning Glory, made ten Unicorns in the 1980s in an attempt to save the world. This is all totally for real. Seriously.

Hypocritical Ross: So where did you get the idea to create Lancelot and start the Living Unicorn Project?

Oberon Zell-Ravenheart: Well, it started off around 1975 when [my wife] Morning Glory and I got this idea to write a book on the true stories and foundations behind mythical creatures. In the process of our research over the next few years, we came upon the long-lost secret of the Unicorn—that these were actual living animals that had been produced by closely-guarded secret means that were lost and rediscovered several times throughout history. And we learned how it had been done. At that point, we said, “We could do this!” So we gave up on the book, moved to a hippie homesteading community in the mountains of NorCalifia, and began the several-year project of breeding and raising living Unicorns. Lancelot was the first, born on Spring Equinox of 1980. In all, we produced ten of them over the next six years. We named most of them after Knights of the Round Table. Some we kept as our own pets, and others we boarded out. For several years (1980-’84), we toured every Renaissance Faire in North America, and were interviewed and written up in countless newspapers, magazines, radio & TV shows, and even a few books—including the Encyclopedia Britannica. Four of them we leased to Ringling Bros.Barnum & Bailey Circus for a 4-year exhibition tour, where they were the star attraction of the Greatest Show on Earth (1985-’89). The very last one died just over a year ago, at the age of 17.

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I found this jpg on a backup CD I was digging through. And just think: It could have been lost forever! Thank God I backed it up!

Like most people out there, I’m really into Tampa public access television programs from the late 1980’s to early 1990’s. I always considered myself a bit of an expert on the subject (who doesn’t?), but somehow I managed to snooze on this Sondra Prill character for years. What gives? Why didn’t anyone tell me about her before?

Sondra Prill (according to a much more detailed article about a quarter of the way down this page) allegedly took herself completely seriously as the star of a three-episode program entitled – get this – “My Show.” Sondra sang, dance and postured her heart out in each installment of the show that, according to Eric Williams of ubu.com, “provided a showcase for Sondra’s ever-evolving range of things at which she tried to be talented.” Over the course of the three shows she went from a country darlin’ to a tone-deaf diva, covering everything from Hank Williams to Janet Jackson and Technotronic. The shows were peppered with incomprehensible skits that revolved around characters like “Nellie Pineapple” and “Millie The Old Lady.”

Now I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way she could possibly have taken this seriously. You could argue that convincingly, if it weren’t for Sondra’s swan song: a 1992 concert at the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center Playhouse Theatre entitled “A Musical Fantasy.” We’re talking about a Hurricane Andrew fundraiser at a 900-seat arena here. Here’s Daniel Ruth of the Tampa Tribune on the subject:

“Ticket prices for her show ranged up to $50, a testimony to a rather intriguing assessment of her talents considering recent (and slightly better known) TBPAC performers such as Al Green and Patti LaBelle charged a maximum ticket price of $25.

“Of course Green and LaBelle lack Sultry Sondra’s unique way of handling a melody – a cross between the dulcet sound of setting one’s hair on fire and sticking one’s hand into a garbage disposal.

“Friday night’s show was not without its highlights. First, it started about 20 minutes late and in an inadvertent gaffe much to the delight of the audience, Sultry Sondra’s microphone failed during one of her songs, which meant we were all spared from having to listen to her.

“Fortunately for the rest of the city, there weren’t that many of us in the audience. Only 41 tickets were sold to Sultry Sondra, a commentary on the good sense of the populace. Of course they did miss that dramatic moment during the performance where Sultry Sondra had honey poured all over her for no particular reason. Say, That’s Entertainment!

“Needless to say the victims of Hurricane Andrew won’t be benefitting much from Friday’s extravaganza of the banal. But then again, perhaps the folks down in Miami could send Sultry Sondra a few bucks – as professional courtesy from one disaster to another.”

Here’s the bottom line: Sondra Prill is either the most brilliantly retarded performance art that Florida ever spawned or a foaming, raving lunatic, but either way her videos are absolutely fucking hysterical. Ladies and gentlemen of the internet… I give you Sondra Prill. Or YouTube does, I guess. I’ll give you the links to YouTube and then YouTube will give you Sondra Prill.

Sondra Prill – Nasty Boys

Sondra Prill – Pump Up The Jam

Sondra Prill – Addicted To Love

Sondra Prill – Your Cheatin’ Heart

Sondra Prill – Little Melissa

Sondra Prill – Nellie Pineapple

Sondra Prill – Millie The Old Lady

Sondra Prill – Mario The Body Builder

Sondra Prill – Smile Toothpaste Commercial

Sondra Prill – Imitates Eddie

Sondra Prill – Star Spangled Banner

That title might be a little misleading, to be honest. More accurately, the world’s first gay car was “outed,” not “discovered.” Oh, and scientists didn’t do it. It was David Hasselhoff.

That’s right, folks. You guessed it: KITT was gay.

This shouldn’t come as a surprise to true Knight Rider fans. The signs were there all along, as early as Episode 108: A Crafty Plan. C’mon – remember this?!

What do you mean, “no”? Did you even watch Knight Rider? Whatever.

Oh, and this just in: The Batmobile and the General Lee are fucking. Tell all your friends.

Admit it: you think ceramics are for pussies. When you think of ceramics, you think of that scene from Ghost with the pottery wheel. Then you think of Pottery Barn because it also has the word “pottery” in its name. Then you realize that the bulk of your knowledge of the world of ceramics is informed by romantic/supernatural thrillers from the 1980s and stores that you’ve seen around, and you think to yourself “I really don’t know very much about ceramics.”

But then a dude named Charles Krafft comes along and makes a bunch of guns & grenades, a rabbit with a knife in its back, and some dinnerware commemorating modern disasters. Then you think to yourself “Hey… maybe ceramics is kinda cool sometimes.” You enroll in a night pottery class at your local community college. Then you find out that dude makes commemorative china out of human cremains, and you’re like “oh shit” and all this blood sprays out of your nostrils. Oops! Brain asploded!